EL CHAPO’S EMAIL TO SEAN PENN

MEXICO – The Studio Exec has got hold of an exclusive email that was sent last night from El Chapo and addressed to Sean Penn.

Following Sean Penn’s article for Rolling Stone which featured an interview with the Mexican Drug Lord, Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman was captured by the Mexican authorities. Yesterday he sent an email to Sean Penn which the Studio Exec has managed to get a copy of and now publishes EXCLUSIVELY:

Dear Mr. Sean Penn,

You motherf*cker! You come to me an ask for an interview. I spill my heart to you and a month later the police pick me up. What the f*ck is up with that? This can’t be the same Sean Penn who so touched my heart in I am Sam. It must be the snitchy Sean Penn from Carlito’s Way! It can’t be the courageous Sean Penn from Milk, but the shit guy from Gangster Squad. We Ain’t No Angels? You can say that again. And I gave you a twenty per cent discount. I gave you a Goddamned loyalty card! I can’t believe it. So this is to say me and you we’re through. I don’t want to hear from you, I don’t want to speak to you, I don’t want to have anything else to do with you. I don’t even want to watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High! That’s how bad it’s got. Though there is one film of yours that I still haven’t seen and I’ve heard is very good. I’ve managed to get an old DVD of to watch here in prison. IN PRISON. You know what it’s called? Dead Man Walking. Yeah this I like. The title. Can’t wait to see it.

Yours

El Chapo

Sean Penn was unavailable for comment.

SEAN PENN INTERVIEWS STEVEN AVERY

HOLLYWOOD – Sean Penn fresh from his scoop in interviewing El Chapo for Rolling Stones, today sat down with Steven Avery, the convict at the center of Netflix’s hit serial Making a Murderer.

Sean Penn here. I know what you’re thinking. When am I gonna make a sequel to Fast Times at Ridgemont High? When are you gonna resurrect Jeff Spicoli? Well, let me just tell you, there isn’t a day that goes by, not one minute that I don’t think about Spicoli and what he might be doing today. But today I’m off to interview another ‘criminal’. Yeah. I did El Chapo in Mexico and that was pretty Rad. I mean it was like Narcos, but you know in a different country. Now I’m after Steven Avery who I first knew about when I binged on Netflix’s Making a Murderer this Christmas. If you’re reading this I’m gonna assume you must have done the same. You must also have read the various controversies about the show, the rebuttals from the prosecutors and all that jazz so I’m not going to repeat all that. And obviously there are gonna be SPOILERS like I give a shit!

Steven Avery comes in and sits down. He looks exactly like he does on TV, well the later episodes, not like when he was a child or anything. He sits opposite me in the regulation prison garb that institutionalizes and dehumanizes too many Americans in our country and he smiles broadly.

‘So when are we gonna get a sequel to Fast Times at Ridgemont High?’ he says.

‘Ha!’ I say, relaxing visibly (I imagine). He’s put me at my ease but at the same time I have a lot of questions for Steven Avery. ‘So do you really believe the cops framed you?’

‘Aloha Mr Hand!’

‘Yeah right. That’s a good line.’

‘Jeff Spicoli, man! I can’t believe I’m talking to Jeff Spicoli.’

‘That’s just a role in a movie. I’m more than that. I’m a journalist and a social activist. And I’m interested in your case because it seems to me that an injustice has been done and I would like to shed some light on it. So if you don’t mind can we get back to talking about your case and away from talking about Fast Times at Ridgemont High!’

‘Of course, Mr. Penn. I’m sorry. Sure. My case. For me the most important decision was not to allow what’s called third person liability to be used as part of my defense. This meant that…’

‘I mean Fast Times at Ridgemont High was years ago. It was my first film practically. And everyone goes on about it. What about Gangster Squad? What about Milk? What about Dead Man Walking which you should have some sympathy for?’

‘All good films I’m sure, but I’ve been in prison you see and…’

‘Mystic River, I am Sam, We’re No Angels with De Niro! De Niro! The Gunman and I’ve directed movies too.’

‘I’m sure they were…’

‘Into the Wild, for instance. Jeff Spicoli was years ago. And if it isn’t that, it’s you’re the guy who married Madonna! What’s Madonna like?’

‘You were married to Madonna?’

‘Of course I f*cking was! Where the f*ck have you been?’

And just as things got really interesting the guard came and told us our time was up. I’m still not sure whether Steven Avery is truly an innocent man, nor have I understood the complexity of his case in a way that is in any way deeper, but when we parted I could see in his relief that we had both gained something from this meeting. And I drove home feeling vindicated.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

RYAN GOSLING’S BLADE RUNNER 2 ROLE REVEALED

HOLLYWOOD – The news that Ryan Gosling is to star in Denis Villeneuve’s Blade Runner 2 rocked the internet this week, but only the Studio Exec can reveal via a leaked email the details of Gosling’s role.

The following email was sent from Denis Villeneuve to Ryan Gosling cc-ing Ridley Scott and (accidentally)  me.

SUBJECT: Blade Runner 2?

From: Denis Villeneuve

To: Ryan Gosling

Hey Ryan,

First of all congratulations on Gangster Squad! What a film! It was like LA Confidential but without the tiresome need to think, or follow the story, or be particularly interested. And you made some brave choices. That squeaky high pitched voice you put on. At first I was ‘What the f*ck?’ then I thought ‘no. It’s brilliant.’ I can’t tell you why it was brilliant but it reminded me of Elisha Cook. OK. Enough ass kissing, right? Blade Runner 2. Larry said I should fill you in more before you make your final decision. I think the money business is all clear. Your request to be paid in macrobiotic restaurants is fine but health and safety tell me the Mariachi band you requested in your trailer for the whole of the shoot might be a problem. I’m sure we can resolve it but there are some laws about human slavery that we might be infringing. But to the story that Harrison Ford has called ‘the best screenplay he’s ever read’.

The year is 2056. Los Angeles. Timmy Deckard is a young Blade Runner, a maverick who doesn’t play by the rules but gets results. (We wrote it the other way round at first, but although original it just didn’t make much sense.)  He gets a hard job. There’s an old renegade replicant living in the wastelands (West Hollywood as we now call it).This guy is building an army of escaped replicants and is planning on wiping out the Blade Runners and taking over the running of the city. Timmy has to hunt him down and retire him. But when he finds him, guess what? The old replicant turns out to be Rick Deckard, Timmy’s long lost father! Captured by the replicant army, Timmy’s dad tells him that Timmy was conceived when he and Rachel ran away. They were fugitive for years with their little replicant/human baby. But in a twist it turns out that Rachel wasn’t a replicant after all. She was just very emotional distant because she was played by Sean Young. Rick was the replicant. So she had Timmy and died soon after of plot convenience and contractual hassles. Now the hunted instead of the hunter, Timmy must decide whether to join forces with  his old man, or bury his past and finish the job.

What do you think Ryan? Screenplay is in the attachment.

Best

Denis

SUBJECT: RE: Blade Runner 2

From: Ryan Gosling

To: Denis Villeneuve

Hi Denis,

The Mariachi band is a deal breaker.

Ryan

 Blade Runner 2 will be released in 2016.

DRIVE 2 GETS NEW POSTER

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the cult success of Drive in 2011, Nicolas Winding Refn and Ryan Gosling are teaming up for the long awaited sequel: Drive 2: Uber Driver.

The EXCLUSIVE first look poster arrived in the offices of the Studio Exec this morning along with the Drive 2 synopsis.

Driver is a man who has lost everything: his career as a stunt driver, his best friend, his girl. Chased by the mob, wanted by the cops and pressed by the … you know … economy, Driver is forced to take on one more job, one last job before he can split forever. He becomes an Uber Driver.

Danish director Nicolas Winding Refn called into the offices to chat about the new film.

Basically I did not want to make this sequel. I went to the Far East to make Only God Forgives as a way of doing something totally different. I knew James Sallis [author of the original Drive novel] had written a sequel called Driven, but I wasn’t interested in doing that, but I was back in LA last month and I was going to some industry function. I called a car. And who was driving it? Ryan Reynolds! It turned out that after Only God Forgives and Gangster Squad he’s been finding it difficult to get work. So we talked. I give him five stars. And I came up with this idea.

How will Drive 2 differ from Drive?

It will be less violent. I’ve done the violence thing now and when we talked to the Uber people about helping us out with some corporate sponsorship they did bring up in a note the issue that having an Uber driver working as a hit-man was kind of  a no-no for them. So we took out the violence and we just had Driver be a regular Uber guy.

Does he get a good rating form his clients?

No, because he doesn’t talk much. He just chews matchsticks and everyone keeps saying ‘Hey, are you Ryan Reynolds?’ And that makes Driver really mad, but he holds it in, quietly.

Driver 2 will be released in 2016.

SEAN PENN: NOT MAKING GOOD FILMS, A POLITICAL STATEMENT

HOLLYWOOD – Hi guys, Sean Penn here. I just wanted to cut through the bullshit a second and make something clear to all the people who have been watching my career recently with some bemusement. I know exactly what you’re thinking: what the f*ck is Shanghai Surprise (as I prefer to be known) up to?

Gangster Squad stank of thrice used, thrice unflushed toilet water. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty was almost terminally unfunny. Tree of Life? Tree. Of. Life?
Okay, I hear you. I feel your pain. These aren’t Dead Man Walking, or 21 Grams, or Milk. They’re not even I am Sam! So what gives Penn?

Well, I’ll tell you. As many of you probably know as well as being a world famous film actor, I’m also something of a political activist with outspoken views on lots of different topics. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a liberal. No, I’m actually a radical. Yeah. I know. 

And it occurred to me not so long ago that this making films lark is highly dubious from a ‘bringing down the system’ point of view. At least, it is if the films are successful. So what I decided was that I would make films and choose roles specifically to destroy the ideological homogeneity engine that is Hollywood from within by making terrible films. I dipped a toe in with The Interpreter. Then a whole foot with All the King’s MenGangster Squad and Mitty were the equivalent of full immersion. If you want to take a photo of the Hollywood sign do so now, because the foundations are shaking and the whole thing is going to Emmerich under the weight of my underwhelming output. There’s no way the Entertainment Industry can survive this level of mediocrity. Just you wait.

Sean Penn will be appearing in Any Which Way But Loose in 2016.  

GANGSTER SQUAD LARGELY FORGOTTEN

HOLLYWOOD – It came as some relief today that the AMA declared that those unfortunate enough to have watched Gangster Squad when it was released earlier this year have – for the most part- already forgotten it.

‘The symptoms of slack mouthed drooling and bleary eyed alienation have for the most part passed,’ remarked Dr. Shuman in a 400 page report. ‘It’s almost like it never existed.’
No one was more relieved than cast member Ryan Gosling, who candidly admitted to having slept through his own performance. 

I thought the gig was up. I was blander than one of the entrees in my macrobiotic restaurant Gosling’s Guzzler Hole. But fortunately not that many people went to see it and those who did have now filled that brain space with some other inanity.

Co-star Josh Brolin also declared himself ‘happy and exhausted from the trauma’ of Reuben Fleischer’s soporific grind. He apologized to all his fan and promised not to do it again. Sean Penn was a lone voice, declaring he thought ‘it wasn’t that bad’, confirming many people’s opinion of him as an out and out fruit cake who always takes the opposite view in order to be controversial.  
We asked Dr. Shuman if there was any danger that the publication of his report ‘The Blessed Forgetfulness that Followed Gangster Squad‘ might revive memories, to which he replied:

Shit! You know, we never thought of that.  

Gangster Squad 2 will be available on pay per view.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ IS RYAN GOSLING’S FATHER

HOLLYWOOD – Today Hollywood was in tatters following the revelation that Ryan Gosling is actually twice-Oscar-winning German actor Christoph Waltz‘s ‘natural’ son.

‘It’s true,’ the Teutonic actor admitted. ‘Ish.’ Rumors have been rife for some time, but when some idiot typed the words ‘Christoph Waltz young’ into Google, they were shocked to find that the truth had been there all along.

Gosling, whose finest work was not in Gangster Squad, has decided to deny reality.

No my dad is Canadian. I’m not related in anyway to Mr. Waltz although I do admire his work.  I think we just look a little similar. Not really that much when it comes down to it. 

Chrisptoph Waltz – who was famous in his native Germany for having invented a dance – was spotted by Quentin Tarantino in the German version of Dancing with the Stars called Tanzen Mit Den Sternen and cast in Reservoir Dogs where he played the manager of the jewelers that got robbed.

I was disappointed not to be in the finished film, but Quentin remembered me and said one of these days I’ll do a film about Nazis and you can be in that. Really I am a very lucky man. 

How do you feel about having a son?

It’s hard to assimilate. I was very drunk in the Seventies so it wouldn’t be impossible and he is an actor, like me. So yes. I’m very happy. We will play the stick and the bat together.  

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 15. SEAN PENN

Eggs (over easy), bacon, ham, pork sausages, ham, coffee, whisky (drunk from broken bottle)

He has long been one of the most intelligent voices in Hollywood. His obvious talent was sometimes hidden in the glare of the publicity afforded him by his hi-profile relationship with a beautiful pop star and his own occasional excesses. As the years have gone by, he has moved into character acting and directing his own films which each give his own idiosyncratic take on the American dream. Unfortunately Ben Affleck couldn’t make it this morning and at a pinch I just happened to run into Sean Penn.

So Sean Gangster Squad? What the fuck?

The idea was interesting. Mickey Cohen and all that period in LA. I really thought it was time as well to make a new version of the gangster genre and I loved Ruben Fleischer’s work on erm… the Jimmy Kimmel show and … er… Oh Zombieland was good. Wasn’t it?

Are you looking on IMDB?

Fuck you! But yes. 

Okay so, The Tree of Life Sean, what the fuck? 

Now listen, Terry Malick is genius and I’d go to the ends of the earth for him. Of course, when I told him that I assumed he’d realize I was talking figuratively. Instead he actually sent me to the Gobi desert to wander around in an Armani suit.

It must have been hell.

Armani’s suits are a bit tight around the crotch but … oh you mean the desert? Yeah. Plus not a fuck did I know about what I was doing in that film. I mean seriously.

And so Sean, This Must Be the Place, what the fuck?

Oh, come on that was good. I had a ball making that and I really respect Paolo [Sorrentino], he’s an artist. You have to understand  I’m a risk taker and sometimes those risks don’t pay off. I’m the guy who is out there on the edge.

So what’s your next project?

I’m doing Prone Gunmen with the guy who made Taken and Danny the Dog

Seriously? What the fuck!

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