DANIEL DAY-LEWIS: ‘I REGRET BULLYING GANDHI’

HOLLYWOOD – Lincoln and There Will Be Blood actor Daniel Day-Lewis has spoken for the first time about his regret at bullying Mahatma Gandhi.

Oscar winning actor Daniel Day-Lewis today spoke of his profound regret at having bullied Indian national independence leader and renowned pacifist Mahatma Gandhi:

I was a very young man at the time. We were living in South Africa and Gandhi was living there as well. One day I saw him walking down the street and I was with some friends and I thought it would be an idea to have some fun with him so I blocked his way. Of course, this was South Africa and we were all a bunch of terrible racists at the time. Also Gandhi was not actually famous at the time. He was a young lawyer working on the rights for the coloureds in South Africa. But none of that is important and I’m deeply ashamed of my behavior looking back now. It makes me feel even worse that Gandhi got shot before I could express my remorse to him personally.

Gandhi and Daniel Day-Lewis both won Oscars.

BEN KINGSLEY TO PLAY GANDY

LONDON – Sir Ben Kingsley has finally signed on to play the coveted role of fashion icon David Gandy in Jonathan Glazer’s long-awaited biopic, Gandy.

Kingsley, who turned down the opportunity to star in a production of King Lear at the National Theatre in order to play Gandy, has been shadowing the supermodel for the last month to prepare for the role.

“He’s an exceptional man, ” said Sir Ben:

Many people think David is just some himbo in a pair of underpants but the bloke is a visionary. After spending so much time with him recently I can honestly say that his modelling has the potential to improve the lives of every man, woman and child on the planet.

Kingsley went onto say he has been hitting the gym hard in order achieve the physical perfection Gandy is renown for:

It’s been tough. I’ve had to cut down on the cider and fags but David has been a lot of help. We spend a couple of hours training and then we massage each other with oil and have a bit of a wrestle. It’s surprisingly liberating feeling the weight of another man’s balls sliding across your back.

Meanwhile social media is bubbling with rumours about who will play the other key roles in the movie. Helen Mirren is thought to be the number one choice to play Cara Delevingne and Maggie Smith is the clear favourite to tackle the role of Kate Moss.

Gandy is due for release in 2016

BEN KINGSLEY’S DOG FIGHTING SHAME

HOLLYWOOD – Oscar winner and Knight Bachelor of the British Empire Sir Ben Kingsley today admitted that he is  a dog fighting addict.

The Gandhi star, Ben Kingsley, told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I know it is indefensible, but the rush of blood that I get when I see two canines, with razor sharp teeth, goaded by large men in black bomber jackets in a derelict industrial waste site in South East Wales, snarling and snapping and fighting to the death… I mean winning the Oscar for Gandhi was a high, but this is higher.

The Mandarin confessed that his love of dog fighting started while he was researching his role as foul mouthed gangster Don Logan in 2000’s Sexy Beast.

It was a way of entering into the mind of Don and the idiom that he inhabits. But once the film was made and I usually shrug off the character like an old coat, I found myself at the docks watching two pit bulls savage each other while I bayed like a frenzied animal myself.

Kingsley confessed that he had been seeking aid from an RSPCA group dedicated to helping Dog Fight Addicts to ween themselves off the habit. A spokesperson for the group said that ‘Sir Ben is a welcome member of the group and is sincere in his wish to do away with this horrific form of entertainment. He has also regaled us with many an amusing anecdote from the worlds of stage and screen.’

Love of dog fighting has also been a traditional trait of the ex-pats actors’ club the Jolly Bastards, who many blame for spreading riotous and immoral behavior among the finest thespians, including Charles Dance, Tom Hiddleston and Benedict Cumberbatch. Kingsley was a member of the club for a couple of years in the early eighties but turned whistle-blower after Alan Rickman murdered a dolphin for a jape.

Sir Ben Kingsley will be seen in 2015 in The Jungle Book. 

JAMES FRANCO WINS NOBEL PRIZE FOR EVERYTHING

STOCKHOLM – Film director, actor, painter, novelist, poet and co-star of Spider-man 2,  James Franco has swept the board at the Nobel Prizes, the Swedish and Norwegian Academy announced earlier today.

The Academy stated that the award which is usually divided into the Peace Prize and various Sciences, including ‘economic science’, had been awarded to James Franco ‘in recognition of his outstanding mastery of all fields of art, culture, science, performance, politics and life.’

In the past we have had some infamous omissions – Mahatma Gandhi being the most obvious. He was nominated for the Peace Prize but was assassinated before he could be awarded. To see that Gandhi didn’t get a Nobel Peace Prize and Henry Kissinger, or for that matter Barack ‘Drone’ Obama did, beggars belief and brings into disrepute the committee. It was with this in mind that the Academy decided to play it safe with Franco. If we had only given him one prize, the world would have been outraged by the exclusion of all the others so we got really drunk one night and someone shouted, ‘What the hell! Let’s give him the lot!’

James Franco responded to the news with ‘surprise and delight’:

I’d like to say I’m humbled, but with these cheek bones, that’s just not going to happen.

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TARANTINO DELIVERS MAHATMA GANDHI, KILL KILL KILL!!!

HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino promised late last year that he would be completing a trilogy of period films – which began with Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained – with a new entry and now he has come good on that promise, delivering to the Weinstien company a script that is a radical re-imagining of Sir Richard Attenborough’s 1982 Oscar winner Gandhi provisionally entitled Mahatma Gandhi Kill Kill Kill!!!

The script – which leaked onto the internet within seconds of its completion – sees the bald Indian pacifist confronting the British Imperial authorities with nothing but indomitable will, gentle wisdom and a Gatling gun he drags around in a coffin.

Tarantino spoke to Studio Exec exclusively:

The original film is okay, but it’s the kind of prestigious epic that feels a need to always protect the audience from hard truths. So there’s hardly any violence in it at all. I see Gandhi standing up to the authorities with this kind of quiet dignity and taking all these blows and what not, and I’m just thinking, I bet you could kick their asses. I’d like to see that. 

But isn’t that historically inacc…

Ha hahahhahahahhahahahahahahaha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ha ha ha ha. HA HA HA. Ha. (Sighs) Next question.

 What story…?

Good question. At the beginning, we find Gandhi in South Africa where he’s almost beaten to death by Daniel Day-Lewis, but when a killer called the clergy man Christoph Waltz rescues him they both go on a rampage, destroying Apartheid. That done they head over to India and wreak bloody havoc there as well. Kick British asses and create a country before a Wild Bunch like finale. You see the thing is the Attenborough film was like PASSIVE resistance, and I’m more passive RESISTANCE. You dig? 

Mahatma Gandhi Kill Kill Kill!!!! is due to start filming in the Summer.  

I AM NOT STUDIO EXEC

HOLLYWOOD – It is disgusting that many people have been attacked as a result of this website. 

So many indeed that some have decided to wear t-shirts claiming their innocence of any involvement. While it’s obvious that we do not want to claim to be Nelson MandelaGandhi or Salman Rushdie, if you force us to extremes we will adopt exactly that kind of mantle.

Studio Exec is a beacon for truth and hope in an otherwise depressing miasma of falsehood and mendacity (Long Hot Summer), all lies and mendacity. If you wish to support us against Ayatollahs of good taste and accuracy, then please help us. Otherwise, you know, whatever.