Every week we are going to have an episode review of Game of Thrones Season Four which will include SPOILERS for seasons one through to the last episode screened of Season Four. 

WESTEROS – Women! What are you going to do with them? They never seem to be in the mood. Take Cersei Lannister. Finally, her brother/lover Jaime gets her alone in a lovely candlelit setting and she doesn’t seem at all romantically inclined.

If you think I’m taking rape lightly, I assure you I am not, but I am beginning to think the show is. This isn’t the first time the show has gone all rape: for which see Sonia Saraiya’s AV Club article for a considered response. Other commentators and recappers have used the rather soft, old fashioned ‘forced himself upon her’ phrase, but this was just rape, wasn’t it? And the horrible feeling is that we’re supposed to think that in manipulating Jaime with sex, Cersei ‘had it coming’ or got what she deserved. Even that there are (Gods help us all) ‘blurred lines’. 

Women don’t have much luck in the rest of the episode either. Sansa is carted off by Little Finger. Fat Sam – in order to protect his Wildling girlfriend – puts her to work in a brothel. As a cleaner it must be said and careful to insist that the madam doesn’t put her to any other work! An aside: what is the f*cking point of fat Sam? Is he there to make Jon Snow look a bit less boring? He’s just such a non-character. And he’s boggling in his stupidity. I mean, a brothel? 

Any other business? 

Arya and the Hound almost buy a farm, in the flimsiest sub-plot ever. The guy from Dorn is still enthusiastically bisexual and gave not only sexposition, sexosophy in which he delivered the astounding pearl that one should try and have a lot of sex. 

And Daenerys Targaryen does what Daenerys Targaryen always does and has been doing for four seasons now. If you detect a weariness, you’d be right. With a canvas stretched too thin and an insatiable need to off its most interesting characters, Game of Thrones badly needs a story. It has stories, vignettes and an absorbed fascination in the ‘universe’ that George RR Martin has created, but the blessed through line has unraveled. We have no hero, no villain: the ranks are thinned. Whether the show will just jump the shark or rape it and stab it to death first is yet to be seen (though I’ve read the books, so I have a fairly good idea), but I’m just hoping Jaime doesn’t come to the funeral.

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Let the fun commence

BELFAST – A wedding in Northern Ireland went badly wrong when the bride and groom’s enthusiastic love of HBO‘s fantasy drama Game of Thrones led to unforeseen but ultimately tragic carnage on the day of their wedding.

Kieran Fagan and Melissa O’Rourke were married in a traditional service at the Roman Catholic church of St Mary’s in West Belfast, Northern Ireland. After a three hour pause during which time professional photographer Alain Dreary forced the couple into various ludicrous poses in inappropriate settings, the guests reconvened for a reception at the Four Bells Hotel in the outskirts of the city. One guest recounted to reporters what occurred next:

Kieran was dressed as Rob Stark and Melissa as his true love Jeyne Westerling. The reception had been done out with torches and flagons of wine and the food was served in that kind of cod medieval style that you see on your programme there. Well, Kieran’s friends from his D&D club had decided to pull a little prank. They surrounded the guests and were carrying what looked like crossbows. 

Toby Coughlin, who organised the prank, is being held by police. His father released a statement:

Sure, it was just a bit of fun. The lads got carried a way and I’m not saying their weren’t some throats cut and some crossbow bolts fired into throats, but anyone who’s been to Irish wedding will tell you, it can’t officially be called a wedding if there isn’t a bit of a ruckus.

Police are still investigating how a man like Kieran, an enthusiastic Dungeons and Dragons enthusiast, got a girlfriend – let alone a wife. 

Jim Carrey has since withdrawn from the Fourth Season of Game of Thrones.