NORTH BY NORTHWEST REMAKE GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – Hot on the tails of the To Catch A Thief remake announcement, Hollywood once again proves you can’t have too much of a good thing. Paramount Studios have announced the creation of the Hitchcock Extended Universe. The next film will be a North By Northwest remake to star Ryan Reynolds and Amy Schumer. The Exec spoke with Denise Fahrtknocker, Head of PR at Paramount about the North By Northwest remake.

Denise, What Gave You The Idea To Remake Such Beloved Classics?

Money. We were sat around in our gold-lined giant hot tub in Malibu worrying that we didn’t have enough cash because it’ll be months before Tom shits out another Mission Impossible. It was then after several Martinis and lines of coke that the idea hit me. Hitchcock! We can cash in on Hitchcock.

Aren’t You Worried A North By Northwest Remake Has Little Artistic Value?

Artistic what? You talk real funny for someone who’s so fucking poor. Did you know that? Look, we don’t need artistic-whatever-the-fuck-you-said, because we got a great cast. They’re so talented and committed to the project, we think they’re going to surprise a lot of nay-sayers out there.

Who Are They?

Ryan Reynolds and Amy Schumer, that’s who. Ryan will be playing the Cary Grant role and Amy will play the Eva Marie Saint role. Sounds like dynamite, don’t it?

Who Will Play The Villains?

I’m glad you asked me that. We got Jesse Plemons in the Martin Landau role, because he’s kinda funny looking in his own way. And we got Alan Rickman playing the James Mason role. Who could be better to give us that mid-Atlantic, villainous charm? Nobody, that’s who.

But Alan Rickman Is Dead.

Yeah? Ok, fuck-it. We’ll get Gary Oldman. He’ll play any old villain as long as there’s enough green to be had. Who gives a shit.

The North By Northwest Remake Goes Into Production Shortly

5 THINGS WRONG WITH THE JUSTICE LEAGUE

HOLLYWOOD – The Justice League hit theaters and was immediately hailed as a masterpiece of its genre.

The New York Times called it ‘The Casablanca of Superhero movies’ and Variety said ‘Eat your heart out Christopher Nolan.’

But – as rebellious as ever – The Studio Exec is not fully convinced.

So here are our five minor problems with Zach Snyder/ Joss Whedon’s new movie:

1. It’s shit.

2. Everyone looks tired and depressed. First, Ben Affleck looks like they CGIed Ryan Reynolds head onto Dave Bautista’s body. Second, Amy Adams looks like she’s performing under duress. As if someone is just off camera with a cattle prod, blocking the exit. She looks so bored and they used a crayon to color in her hair. Then Diane Lane is too obviously happy just to get work. Finally, Gal Gadot looks confused that she can be in such a bad film after having been in such a good one. Weirdly, Henry Cavill shines.

3. The film is as visually interesting as an infomercial. As much as I hated Batman V Superman and Man of Steel, those films had a certain visual pomposity that was compelling. Here, not only is the CGI like mid-90s Star Trek, but every shot, hero entrance, etc etc looks like a rush job for a poorly funded advertising agency. Take the iconic moment towards the end where Clark Kent becomes Superman. It looked like a TV advert featuring Superman. Nothing momentous happens.

In rushing to be the Avengers, they threw out the epic with the dourness.

4. Which leads us to: the humor wasn’t funny. It’s like sitting at a wedding reception with that guy who is really funny and then someone else tries to go toe to toe with them, but they don’t have the material. Unfunny humor isn’t just not funny, it is deeply depressing. They label every joke ‘JOKE’. The Flash (Ezra Miller) is annoying. Really annoying. It is like they took Zach Snyder’s sense of humor and mixed it with Joss Whedon’s visual flair. And that line is funnier than anything in the movie.

5. The Avengers. Anything DC does feels like catch up. And that’s a pity. Aquaman sounds like Thor, Superman like Captain America, Batman like Tony Stark, Flash like Peter Parker. The getting the team together to beat a CGI thing with the blue light from the sky and the cubes… whatever. Do we really want anymore universes? What was a neat idea ten years ago is beginning to look lazy bloated franchise think. Isn’t it time to finally give up?

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REVIEW – WONDER WOMAN

REVIEW – WONDER WOMAN – Diana Prince and Captain Kirk win the First World War.

I have to admit that over the years I’ve become heartily tired of Superhero Movies. And that hasn’t all been Zack Snyder’s fault. The DC Universe has stumbled out of the gate and Sony are all over the shop, but even the slick Marvel machine has ground me down with its monotonous mash ups. So 2017 surprised me well and truly. First there was the Unforgiven of X-Men movies: Logan from that weary franchise. And now Wonder Woman arrives with an thrilling lead performance by Gal Gadot, a thumping score and some slick storytelling by Patty Jenkins.

We start on the secret island home of the Amazonians where Joaquin’s sister from Gladiator rules and Claire Underwood trains the troops. Diane is a little girl, like many in the audience, aspiring to take part. Grown into a young warrior, her life gets a bit of trauma and a call to action when Captain Kirk arrives crashing into the sea in a stolen German bi-plane. After checking out his undercarriage, Diane gets the urge to join the war to end all wars and fulfil her role, killing the god of war whose machinations she sees behind the carnage.

She Crocodile Dundees it to London, but here her confusion and fish out of water-ness has a poignant political point. Diane’s innocence exposes the ludicrous and craven reality of Europe at the beginning of last century. It’s a point that bears repeating and which utterly justifies the period setting. The action sequences are genuinely stirring. But – like Logan – the true superpower is giving a shit about the characters on screen. Something Jenkins and her cast achieve brilliantly.

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WONDER WOMAN TO BE THE LAST EVER SUPERHERO MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Wonder Woman is going to be the last ever superhero movie, it was announced today.

According to sources, Wonder Woman will be the last superhero movie ever made. Representatives from DC, Marvel and Sony met in a secret conclave earlier this week and decided they were bored of superhero movies as well. A spokesperson told the Studio Exec:

We wanted to go out on a high and this one is pretty good, so we decided, ‘Okay we’re done’.

But what about the other superhero films that have been made?

This is the wonder of everything being digital. We can just delete them. We don’t even have to bury them or destroy the negative, it’s just right button and delete. And it’s all good.

What made the studios decide to take this drastic action? After all you’re all making money.

Oh, money isn’t everything. We just got bored. I mean as executives we sit around and we’re adults and we’re reading these fucking comic books and having to pretend like we really give a shit. Plus we have really good directors and actors, talented folk and they’re getting sucked into this fricking superhero portal.

Gal Gadot said that the news was ‘typical’.

Wonder Woman is on release.

WONDER WOMAN DISPATCHED TO ALEPPO

NEW YORK – Following the naming of Wonder Woman as a UN peace envoy, she has today been dispatched to Aleppo to see if she can bring peace to the war torn city.

The United Nations decision to name DC superhero Wonder Woman as a peace envoy was widely criticized last week. However, today Diana Prince left for the Syrian city in a desperate bid to bring peace and resolve conflict. Gal Gadot the latest actress to play the Amazonian demi-God had this to say:

This is not simply tokenism. And I think there are going to be some heads hanging in shame when they realize Wonder Woman means business. You’ll see what will happens when she gets there. However, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Assad out and Putin wanting to go back to the negotiating table.

Although controversial, the use of fictional superheroes is nothing new. During the early seventies, Iron Man bombed northern Cambodia and Captain America was active in Afghanistan fighting the Taliban a decade ago.

The new Wonder Woman movie will be released in 2017.

37 THINGS WRONG WITH BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE

HOLLYWOOD – Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice has earned record breaking box office but has had something of a critical mauling.

So what went wrong with The Man of Steel and Batman sequels and The Justice League prequel, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. We lit up the skies above Gotham and Metropolis with our very own FACT signal and the Squad leaped into action. Caution: there are SPOILERS ahead:

1 The plot is terrible. A lot of venom is expended on Zack Snyder but who wrote this crap? David S. Goyer was involved in the Nolan Batmans and they were Shakespeare compared to this. Chris Terrio, I presume as the writer of Argo, is Affleck’s polisher. So who is responsible? And did they actually re-read the script once they wrote it, because it just looks like there are so many first draft problems in here.

2. The action is mostly terrible. Mostly. There are some good bits – the Batman fight in the warehouse is pretty good – but another big fight in another semi-destroyed city. And none of the Superman superhero bits look super-heroic.

3. Everybody does everything for no apparent reason. No motivation is apparent for anyone. No one actually behaves in a way that makes any consistent sense. Again Shakespeare this ain’t, so I’m not looking for layers of psychological interiority but the Road Runner cartoons have more character logic than this film.

4. Everything is in close up. I get it that this is from a comic book and some of the shots slavishly reproduce panels from sources such as The Dark Knight Returns, but this is cinema and just as a Jane Austen adaptation shouldn’t just reproduce reams of chuntering dialogue, so a comic book movie has to work out a way of producing a cinematic version of the story that makes visual sense.

5. We see Batman’s parents getting shot again. One of these days we might have a Batman movie that doesn’t go into the dark origin story, but at the moment every story is an origin story.

6. We see young master Wayne meeting the bats again and being able to fly. We saw this done so much better in Batman Begins and the film doesn’t seem to know whether it wants to carry on from the Nolan films – the destroyed house looks similar – or be different.

7. People walk in slow motion when sad. And leaves fall from trees at funerals – as though the very trees did weep!

8. 9/11 parallels are now officially the worst thing to come out of 9/11 after the invasion of Iraq but before the invasion of Afghanistan. The ineptness of story is much more forgivable if it isn’t loaded with portentous incoherent political subtext.

9. Superman still hasn’t learned to slow down when he lands.

10. Superman has no problem killing people anymore. Lois Lane is now the facilitator who gives him an excuse to off people. And he even gives her a bit of a wink as if they both get off on it.

11. Lois Lane – ace reporter – begins an interview with an African war lord with the probing question: ‘Are you a terrorist?’ This is a quote from The Insider when Christopher Plumber playing Mike Wallace asks the same question, but there it said something about character and it was a television interview. Here it is simply reckless and tactically stupid.

12. Jimmy works for the CIA! WTF?

13. Clark Kent has no charisma, no dopey charm, and acts exactly like Superman as if the costume was the only difference. Cavill should be playing two distinct characters but he barely manages one. Frankly both Superman and Clark Kent are played as Henry Cavill wearing different clothes.

14. Congressional hearings are held about Superman intervening in Africa, but not about his destruction of an entire city in the previous film.

15. Superman looks embarrassed when he turns up at congressional hearings wearing his Superman costume, as if this was a party and he thought it was fancy dress but it wasn’t.

16. Superman doesn’t actually get to say anything at the hearing. You’ve set up a confrontation. Sure the bomb is going to go off, but why not have a bit of to and fro before hand. Some talking, some justifications, some arguments, instead of another CGI explosion, because, Lord knows, that’s what this movie lacks?

17. Why Lex Luthor blows up the hearing is a total mystery. If it was to frame Superman, it doesn’t work. He offs his assistants as well, for no particular reason.

18. Not even Lex Luthor knows why Lex Luthor is doing what Lex Luthor is doing. And there’s no explanation for how Lex Luthor created Facebook. Jesse Eisenberg doesn’t know what Lex Luthor is doing. Or what Jesse Eisenberg is doing.

21. Neither does Zack Snyder.

22. Alfred (Jeremy Irons) doesn’t do much and is sucking a toffee all the way through his performance.

23. Batman is fine with killing people, torturing people, branding people and doesn’t once say ‘To the Batmobile’. And Batman gets into shape by hitting tractor tires with a large hammer.

24. There are dream sequences that are so long that people in them go to sleep and have dream sequences in the dream sequences.

25. Despite being called ‘Superman’, Henry Cavill plays the hero as a teenager with self-esteem issues and who hasn’t had a shit for five days.

26. Gotham and Metropolis are so close they are actually boroughs of each other.

27. No one understands technology. We can clone phones remotely, but we need to physically plug in a thumb drive to get the goods on Lex Luthor.

28. When Lex Luthor introduces Clark Kent to Bruce Wayne, why is he so excited about it? Clark Kent writes for page twenty three of the Daily Planet. He’s a nobody surely.

29. Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) is great, but she is basically in the film to advertise her own film and the films of The Flash, Acquaman et al.

30. Laurence Fishburne doesn’t deserve this.

31. The sinister Asian female assistant is becoming a bit too much of a thing.

32. Superman dies twice. With zero emotional effect.

33. Doomsday is Troll from Moria. Big CGI monsters are so boring. Why does Lex Luther create him? What was the plan? Was that his plan all along?

34. Lois Lane throws away a kryptonite spear, then goes back to get it and then almost drowns. Needs rescuing. Then Superman almost dies getting the spear.

35. Batman, who knows that the spear can kill Superman, at no point offers to help out with the spear, preferring to see Superman almost die.

36. No one has ever stopped a fight to the death because their mothers share the same name. Not ever.

37. By the way, Adolf Hitler’s mother was called Martha.

This list has finished more because of exhaustion than through any sense of completeness. If you want to add to it please use the comment box.

 

 

CHRIS PINE TO STAR IN ALL MALE WONDER WOMAN

HOLLYWOOD – He’s been Captain Kirk and, allegedly, Jack Ryanbut now Chris Pine faces the biggest challenge of his career: playing Wonder Woman in a new, all-male film version of the celebrated DC comic.

Chris Pine has been cast as Diana Prince in a new, all-male version of “Wonder Woman,” which will go head-to-head with Gal Gadot’s take on the character appearing in “Batman v Superman: The Dawn of Justice.”

We had an opportunity to talk to Chris Pine when he dropped by the Studio Exec bungalow, and he seemed really excited to have work:

I’ve been a huge fan of the comic book and of course the TV series starring Lynda Carter. We are looking to take this in a totally new direction and I’m pleased that we have a director of the stature of Pedro Almodovar, who has come in with the script as well.

Isn’t this a large risk for DC to take with such an iconic character?

Yes and no. I think there is a risk—it is useless to deny it—but if films aren’t about taking risks now and again then what are we even doing here? But I think also that the culture is ready to see the end of gender and a new fluidity to these characters. We have an all-female “Ghostbusters.” Thor will be a girl next time around. Caitlyn Jenner is, well, Caitlyn Jenner. So my Wonder Woman will very much play into that.

What about late reports suggesting that you are actually not playing Wonder Woman, but playing rather Steve Trevor in the Gal Gadot film?

Well, that’s obviously some piss-poor film parody site trying to get clicks by publishing the most outrageous nonsense it can think of. Come on, look at me. I can’t play a guy called Steve with my new breasts.

Wonder Woman starring Chris Pine will begin shooting in October.

ALL FEMALE WONDER WOMAN CAUSES FURY

HOLLYWOOD – The release of further pictures from the upcoming Batman Vs Superman: Dawn of Justice confirmed that Wonder Woman will be played by a female actor: Gal Godot.

In photos released by Entertainment Weekly, the gender of the lead characters can be clearly seen, with Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) as a hippy, Superman (Henry Cavill) as a Christ like figure, Batman (Ben Affleck) looking like fatman, and Wonder Woman WEARING A DRESS.

The news came as a stunning revelation, following in the wake of the atrocities of GamerGate, the Vietnam of Reddit Revolt and some other third thing.

Top internet manist Herbert Frank had this to say:

First we have the all female Ghostbusters – which is just like raping my childhood – yes ‘raping’ it – and then we have the news that even Thor might be played by a ‘girl’. Then BANG! in the new Dawn of Justice picture Wonder Woman is actually being played by a woman, and to make matters worse a woman whose first name is Gal. As if she was just rubbing it into my man tears.

Zack Snyder responded to the controversy with unwarranted insouciance:

What? Is this a joke? I mean, it’s in the name. Wonder. Woman.

Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice will be released in 2016.