DISNEY AUTO SALES OPENS

With the money they have made from reneging on Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow contract, Disney Auto Sales opens franchises nationwide. Disney Auto Sales opens stores run by honest and hardworking car salesmen and women who are ready to sell their own grandmothers for a profit.

 

Disney Auto Sales Opens With Mickey Mouse Prices

 


The Mickey Mouse movie studio look set to face court action with Scarlett Johansson. But they are busy hiding away their money like Scrooge McDuck in their brand new venture of second-hand car sales. Their advertising campaign states: “You’d be a real Dumbo not to take advantage of our goofy prices! No wonder Herbie went Bananas when he saw how Stuart little we were asking for great family cars. Anyone would think we were Robin Hood with these enchanted prices.”

 

Marvel-lous Car Prices

 

“With marvel-lously low prices, it’s no wonder our cars are going quicker than Lightning McQueen. You’d be dopey to not take advantage! With our prices frozen for only a short time you’ll need to bolt to your closest store. Be brave and pick up a bargain car today. Just be careful not to wreck it Ralph on your amazing journey home.”

 

Mickey’s Big Day In Court

 

With the Disney Corporation being represented by the law firm, Huey, Luey and Dewey LLP, Johansson can expect stiff competition in her lawsuit against the movie studio. Johansson’s claim could have far reaching effects throughout the industry. She alleges Disney prevented certain contractual bonuses by reducing box office revenue when it streamed Black Widow simultaneously on Disney+. Actors, crew members and studios alike would be effected by any test case decision such as this. In response to this, Disney’s lawyers made funny duck noises, splashed about a bit in a pond and then pretended to fall asleep when Donald opened the door.

 

MORE ON THIS AS IT BREAKS

DISNEY SUES CHILD FOR BUILDING A SNOWMAN

LONDON – Social media was in uproar this morning after reports that Disney is suing a six year-old British girl for building a snowman in her garden.

Jessica Roberts was allegedly sent a letter by Disney’s legal department yesterday morning informing her she had breached Intellectual property laws by building a replica of Olaf, a prominent character in the billion dollar grossing movie Frozen and posting the picture on Instagram.

“She’s never even seen Frozen”, said Jessica’s distraught mother:

It’s just an ordinary snowman and any resemblance to a Disney character is purely coincidental.

Despite her denial, Michael Maus of The Law Society admitted that should the case ever reach the courtroom, there is a strong chance that Jessica would lose the legal battle:

What jury is going to believe that a six-year old girl hasn’t seen Frozen and even if she could prove it, chances are her parents would be charged with child neglect for not buying her the DVD for Christmas. If I was her lawyer, I’d suggest she break open her piggy bank and settle out of court.

Disney claimed they were unavailable for comment but it seems Jessica isn’t the only child to feel the wrath of the corporation. Eight year-old Timmy Smitts of Seattle was recently forced to part with his pet cat after Disney objected to the boy naming him Simba.

“It’s scarred him for life”, said Timmy’s father:

 We didn’t have the money to pay them so a Disney representative came around to the house, took Simba into the garden and bludgeoned him to death with the back of a spade right in front of little Timmy.

Asked if the incident spoiled Timmy’s love of Disney movies, his father laughed:

Nah, he watches the Lion King about three times a week. Though now you mention it, he does cry all the way through it and not just at the sad bits.

ADELE DAZEEM GETS 5 PICTURE DEAL

HOLLYWOOD – Following an Oscar winning song performance, Warner Brothers announced today that they had finalized a 5 picture deal with upcoming star Adele Dazeem

An exec close to the final negotiations said: 

We’re very lucky to have got her. She’s extremely talented and there were several other studios interested, but we managed to nail it. 

Interest in the singer/actress was first aroused by her stunning performance of the song ‘Let It Go’ from the film Frozen at the Oscars. The man responsible for introducing her to the world, John Travolta, has also been key to clinching the deal. The Warner Brothers Exec confided to Studio Exec:

John Travolta holds a lot of sway in this town, with the piloting and the Grease and the Scientology, so when he says watch out for someone we do. He’s taking it even further though. Suggesting several possible projects that Ms. Dazeem might be interested in. 

Such as?

He thought a film of the J.D. Salinger novel Capeterher in the Rooo might work for her. Or a role in the future Hoongoria Goomez sequel. Or even a remake of the film which made his name Grooze.

Adele Dazeem will be appearing in Clint Eastwood’s Doity Hoiry in 2015.