KEVIN BACON TALKS ABOUT STICKY-UPY HAIR TERROR

HOLLYWOOD – The Following and Hollow Man actor Kevin Bacon has for the first time revealed his long-running battle with hair sticky-upiness.

Footloose star, Kevin Bacon came round to the Studio Exec Bungalow early this morning to talk for the first time about his until now secret struggle with hair sticky-upiness.

It just sticks up and I comb it down but it springs up like it has a life of its own. People think its hair gel or some kind of salon hairdressing style but it isn’t. It actually comes from within the hair and I really don’t know what to do anymore. I am literally at my wit’s end.

Bacon was a young actor when he was first struck down by the rare syndrome.

I was making Friday the 13th. I had a small part. It was 1980 and was going to be my big break. I was to be murdered. I don’t know if you know much about how they make horror movies, but the director Sean Cunningham he was into doing it all for real and he scared the bejesus out of me. The morning after I shot the scene my hair was all sticky up and it never came down. In 1984, I did Footloose and my ‘electric hair’ was one of the reasons I got the job, but little did I know that it would be a battle for the next thirty odd years. Jesus, in A Few Good Man I was almost fired because it got so distracting.

Why speak out now?

Because I know there are so many kids at home with sticky upy hair and I just think if they can see someone like me, an ambassador if you will for hair that will not stay down, then they can live their lives reassured that perhaps they too can make a bucket of money with a film and TV career second to none.

Cop Car will be released now.

FRIDAY THE 13TH SEQUEL GETS A TITLE

HOLLYWOOD – A new entry in the Friday the 13th is going to break with tradition taking the new title Saturday the 14th.

Director Sam Raimi explained:

The folks at Camp Crystal Lake have had such a terrible time of it. They get murdered constantly and Jason Vorhees, even when someone does managed to kill him, never actually dies. So we had this idea what if we did a film about the day after Fridya the 13th. Saturday the 14th. The bodies are being collected, the police are beginning their investigations, the community once more begins to heal and Jason returns to his normal life as a star ice hockey player for the The Montreal Canadiens.

The Canadiens?

Yeah, he signed with them a few years ago.

Wow!

So we have a return to normality and in this space we can also explain some of the problems that the franchise has had in terms of believability.

Such as?

Why do people keep coming to this place when every year, more or less, a bunch of kids get murdered. We’ll show the cover up that takes place and the dark government agency that goes around forcing people to foret what just happened so that there will be a fresh crop of victims the following year.

That’s terrifying.

I know. This is going to be my scariest film since Oz: The Great and Powerful.

Nothing can surpass that film for horror.

No perhaps you’re right. It was horrific in a Conradian sense of the word.

That’s what I meant.

Well it was well said.

Saturday the 14th will be released in 2016.

JASON VOORHEES JOINS THE MONTREAL CANADIENS

MONTREAL – Friday the 13th bogeyman and everyone’s favorite slasher, Jason Voorhees has been recruited to keep goal for the Montreal Canadiens, taking the position from Czech Peter Budaj who is coming to the end of his two year contract. Coach Michael Thierren said that he was first attracted to Voorhees on account of his aggression.

“Sure a goalie has to be tough, but Jason really knows how to get in there and mix it up,” said Thierren. “He’s a very intimidating presence out there on the ice. And you know, he has his own mask.”

It had previously been thought that Jason wore his ice hockey mask partly as a murderous affectation and partly to hide a hideous deformity, but his mother was quick to reveal that Jason had dreamed of playing ice hockey since he was a little child. “In fact, I think the rage that Jason feels is largely due to thwarted ambition, if you know what I mean,” said Mrs Voorhees. “Please have some more spicy sausage.”


Founded in 1909 the Montreal Canadiens is the oldest and most prestigious hockey team in Canada and Voorhees is considered by some to be a risky choice. Manx Battersack sports journalist noted: “Number one, he’s old. Too old. He’s been around since the eighties for crying out loud. Number two, he has a long history of murdering people and that is going to mean every ref in the game is going to have their eye on him. But on the plus side think of the merchandising! In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Jason became a David Beckham like figure for the NHL.”

What do you think Jason’s chances are? Please feel free to contact us on Twitter or Facebook.

NIGHTMARE ON TEXAS CHAINSAW STREET THE 13TH

 HOLLYWOOD –  Platinum Dunes – Michael Bay’s production company – have announced the beginning of pre-production on their new project Nightmare on Texas Chainsaw Street the 13th, starring Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner.

Director Alexander Aja commented: 

We were getting bored of doing them all one by one so, taking our inspiration from The Avengers franchise, we wondered why not do them all together in one kind of blendered confection. Will it be bland ridiculous nonsense, a cash grab which is an insult to the imaginative originality of the original versions? D’uh, like yeah! Obviously!

Although Platinum Dunes averages out at critical ranking of only 26% on Rotten Tomatoes many believe that their films are over-rated. ‘Some people say that the remakes of Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Nightmare on Elm Street are shit,’ said horror-film critic Lewis Plainfield. ‘Whereas in point of fact, they are f*cking shit.’

The synopsis for Nightmare on Texas Chainsaw Street the 13th states simply:   

A bunch of teenagers (Taylors Swift and Lautner plus the cast of Glee) are all disturbed by the same nightmare of a man called Freddy Face with chainsaws for fingers and his inbred family of mutants. In order to escape from their dreams and to have some soft core sex, they hire an RV and drive it into the woods, in the middle of the desert near suburbia in Texas. Here the RV breaks down and so they split up to cover more ground. 

Nightmare on Texas Chainsaw Street the 13th is due for release in 2015 and again in 2016 and twice in 2017.