Hollywood – The Studio Exec can reveal an open letter signed by dozens of Hollywood’s top movie stars will be published in various trade publications stating that Ryan Reynolds is exhausting. The letter is seen as an attempt by friends and loved ones of the Canadian movie star to just ‘give it a rest every now and then’. Not only does the letter state Ryan Reynolds is exhausting to be around but his constant meta commentary and breaking of fourth walls that aren’t there in real life is growing very thin.
Ryan Reynolds Is Exhausting
The Studio Exec can reveal extracts of the heart-breaking letter; “Dear Ryan, Please know that what we say in this letter comes from a place of love and support. We don’t mean to undermine you or make you feel bad. We all want you to be happy. But you will not find happiness with constant narration of your life to an audience that simply isn’t there.”
“You are more than tiny dick jokes, large dick jokes and knowing glances to a camera that isn’t there. Please remember that Ryan Reynolds is not a part to play. He is a man, a talented and funny man that can exist and thrive outside of staged Instagram spats with Hugh Jackman.”
You’re Not Deadpool
“The continual meta-commentary was kinda fun for a while in Deadpool and most of Deadpool 2. But it’s not a blueprint for real life. Ordering food in a restaurant takes hours with all of your cheeky asides over your shoulder. Don’t make us rethink the merits of what they did with your character in Wolverine: X-Men Origins.”
You’re Hurting Others
“Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson appears to be going down the same road, having seen your schtick and thought, ‘Kerching!’ It’s only a matter of time before he starts breaking more and more fourth walls and flexing his eyebrows at us. Please Ryan, don’t let this happen.”
Red Notice, The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard and Free Guy are separate films… apparently.
BREAKING NEWS – International spoiler law passed unanimously by the UN will be enforceable in every nation in the world. The maximum punishment will be not only be death but also online cancellation.
International spoiler law passed and not before time
With the advent of social media, douchebags everywhere were free to post all about Keyser Soze and Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense (nobody knows his character’s name, not even him) and boy, did they. But things really came to a head last year when media outlets started printing stories with spoilers about the upcoming Bond film, No Time To Die.
No Time To Spoil
With spoilers flying around the internet, Twitter collectively shat its digital pants and the UN had to step in. And so international law makers around the world began drafting the aptly titled Spoiler Bill. Details of the bill were leaked onto Twitter and Facebook, which enraged spoiler sensitive millennials everywhere.
Death by cancellation
The law states the crime of publishing and sharing spoilers will be punishable by death, the guilty are to be digitally cancelled. This means the guilty will have all traces of their online presence removed and it will be a crime in itself to utter or use their names on any social media platform.
Free Guy spoilers
Even as the bill was being passed at the UN, the Ryan Reynolds blockbuster, Free Guy fell victim of this heinous crime. The film has a brief cameo which has been spoiled by certain killjoy media outlets. The commissioning editors, writers and CEOs of the media groups involved have all been rounded up and will stand trial.
We’ll round them up, put ‘em in a field, and BOMB THE BASTARDS!
With the Chief UN Prosecutor, Daphne Cromwell leading the case, she had this to say about the Free Guy spoilers. “We love our international spoiler-free community and it has been abused by these people. And because we will not go quietly into the night, these people will pay with their actual and digital lives. Once we catch these criminals they will be de-rezzed. End of line.”
KEVIN SPACEY IS KEYSER SOZE, BRUCE WILLIS IS A GHOST AND TONY STARK DIES. DEAL WITH IT.