FRENCH FILMS TO BE IN ENGLISH FROM NOW ON

PARIS – It has been decided by the European Union that all French films will now be made in English in order to avoid ‘critical bias’.

The ruling came after years of complaints that, as Swiss critic Xavier Poulis argues, a lot of French ‘films were getting a free ride from Anglophone critics who go ga-ga over the Je ne sais quoi.’

And it’s not just the French films that get a free ride. The actors as well are considered amazing just because they can speak French. Look at Vincent Cassel. He’s got a face like a builder’s elbow. If that guy came from Des Moines, he’d be lucky to get a job as Heavy no. 5 in Walker Texas Ranger. But he has a French accent, and he speaks French so he has a long film career and marries Monica Bellucci. It just isn’t fair.

The judge in the European Court which brought the decision issued a statement saying:

France has a proud tradition of beautiful cinema from the nouvelle vague to Gerard Depardieu, but now a lot of it is frankly toilette and by having the films produced in English we will more readily discern this.

Although there have been some muted protests from the French artistic community, it is understood that the more commercially minded French film makers actually support the law. Luc Besson, Gasper Noé and Francois Ozon all blew that beguilingly irritating raspberry that translates as ‘whatever’.

The law will go into immediate effect and the first French film to be effected will be Asterix and the Large Teutonic Tube, due for release in 2016.
  

CANNES LINE UP INCLUDES MICHAEL BAY AND EMMERICH

PARIS – At midday today in Paris, the line up for the 66th Cannes Film Festival was announced and there were some genuine surprises among the films battling it out on the Croisette.

The inclusion of such American blockbusting directors as Michael Bay, Roland Emmerich and Gore Verbinski will raise a few Gallic eyebrows. Not to mention comedy kings, Frank Coraci and Shawn Levy muscling their way towards the Palme d’Or. 
Click down to read the full list.

IN COMPETITION

Opening Film
Baz LUHRMANN
THE OKAY-ISH GATSBY (H.C.)
1h45
***
Michael  BAY
PAIN AND GAIN
1h44
Frank CORACI
UNTITLED ADAM SANDLER
1h45
Paul FIEG
THE HEAT
2h05
Roland EMMERICH
WHITE HOUSE DOWN
2h
Amat ESCALANTE
WON’T WIN
1h45
Asghar FARHADI
LE PASSÉ (TRANSLATORS DON’T GET PAID ENOUGH)
2h10
James GRAY
THE IMMIGRANT
2h
Mahamat-Saleh HAROUN
GRIGRIS
1h40
JIA Zhangke
TIAN ZHU DING
(I FART IN YOUR MOUTH)
2h15
KORE-EDA Hirokazu
SOSHITE CHICHI NI NARU
(SEE WHAT I CAN DO?)
2h
Shawn LEVY
THE INTERNSHIP
3h07
Takashi MIIKE
WARA NO TATE
(4TH FILM THIS YEAR)
2h05
François OZON
JEUNE ET FRENCHIE
1h30
Alexander PAYNE
NOT AS GOOD AS ELECTION
1h50
Roman POLANSKI
WHAT IS YOUR EXTRADITION POLICY?
1h30
Steven SODERBERGH
LAST FILM EVER (I PROMISE)
1h58
Paolo SORRENTINO
LA GRANDE BELLEZZA
(WE WANT MORE MONEY)
2h30
Gore VERBINSKI
THE LONE RANGER
1h58