TARANTINO ADMITS ‘CHINESE VERSION OF DJANGO UNCHAINED BETTER’

BEIJING – Quentin Tarantino today admitted that the Chinese cut of his film Django Unchained is actually much better than his own internationally released version.

Although initially it was thought that the cuts imposed were due to the censorship of violence and the bloodiness of the film, Tarantino revealed that Chinese editors were instead trying to fix the last act.

In an interview with French cultural magazine Chapeau, Tarantino said he’d seen the different version and agreed with the changes: ‘I only wish I had seen this version before I released mine.’
In a top secret email to the director, the Chinese editors explained the changes they had made and their reasons. [SPOILERS]


Dear Mr. Tarantino,

We have finished our cut of your exciting Western film Django Unchained and for your interest here is a list of the cuts we have made. We hope that you are not too upset with us as we are great fans of your work, especially Jackie Brown.


  • 7 minutes have been cut from Christoph Waltz’s performance. He is good, but really we don’t need him twirling his moustaches and blathering on for quite so long. Plus giving a white German the name ‘King’ and hinting that he is the intellectual inspiration behind the emancipation of black people is a bit raw. We have toned this down.
  • We cut Franco Nero from the film. You put him in and he did nothing. It was an insult to a great actor to use him simply as a quotation. 
  • Our most radical cut has been the ending. We cut the section between Di Caprio and Waltz’s final scene and the final shoot out. This has several advantages. 1. We lose the Australians (including that fat faced fool of an actor who blows up [where on earth did you find such a fool?]). 2. The opportunity given to Django to escape is simply unbelievable and the long-winded motivation given by Stephen (Samuel L. Jackson) is silly beyond belief. 3. The loss of two major characters leaves much the rest of the film without energy and so to conflate the two gunfight makes more sense. We have added a line of dialogue -‘Oh, here’s another gun!’ – to make it more credible.
We hope you are not to angry with us Mr. T. 
 
Best Wishes, Chinese editors

DJANGO UNCHAINED NOT A JAZZ GUITAR BIOPIC, TARANTINO CLAIMS

HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino has reacted with fury at the suggestion that his new film Django Unchained is in fact a biopic of legendary jazz guitarist Django Reinhardt (pictured).

‘It’s a fucking Western,’ the Reservoir Dogs director spluttered, before backing up his ludicrous claim with some motor-mouthed guff about Spaghetti Westerns and Franco Nero. ‘I mean look at the trailer. It’s ludicrous.’

However, Tarantino did admit that confusion had leaked into the production when Jamie Foxx – in preparing for the title role of Django – took a six month course in jazz guitar. ‘I felt so bad about Jamie taking such pains that we did film some sequences of Jamie playing the guitar but I knew that was all going to be cut out,’ Tarantino explains. ‘Oh, wait a minute, maybe that’s where the rumour came from.’


Kilgore Truckstop – the secretary of the Django Reinhardt Appreciation Society – reacted with excitement at the prospect of a biopic dedicated to the life and work of jazz guitar’s most famous proponent. ‘We’re going to organise coach parties, or a coach party,’ Trout said. ‘Or maybe I’ll just give them all a lift. I’ve got an SUV.’


Meanwhile, there is talk of a follow up Thelonius Monk Off the Hook; the script for which Tarantino has reportedly already completed.