PETER JACKSON WAKES UP AND REMEMBERS HE’S GOT A TINTIN FILM TO MAKE

WELLINGTON – Peter Jackson – director of King Kong, The Lovely Bones and the entire contents of JRR Tolkien’s head – awoke in a cold sweat with the realization he still has a Tintin movie to make.

Peter Jackson turned to his wife (Fran Walsh or Philippa Boyens I can never remember) and gasped. ‘Shit, I’ve just remembered I promised Steven Spielberg I’d direct the second Tintin film.’

Jackson told reporters:

My wife mumbled something like “Go back to sleep, you can do it in the morning.” To be honest I don’t think she was really awake. But I couldn’t go back to sleep. How was I going to find out what my deadline with Steven was without letting him know that I’d forgotten all about it.

Fortunately, Jackson’s muse and house boy Andy Serkis was awake in the garage. ‘It looked like he was trying to get out off a glass box, which confused me,’ said Jackson. ‘There isn’t a glass box in the garage. And then I realized, it was his physical theater that had created the illusion.’ 

Jackson explained his problem to Serkis and the Gollum star was already half into his motion capture suit.

Serkis said:

I must obey Peter. He has my children.

The two men started to work and by ten o’clock when Jackson’s wife finally emerged from her slumber, they had the first two acts in pre-visualized: ‘Only seven more to go,’ said a clearly relieved Jackson.

Tintin and the Something Something will be out in 2022.

PETER JACKSON TO REBOOT LORD OF THE RINGS

HOBBITON – Following the universally despised The Hobbit Trilogy, Peter Jackson reveals he is to return once more to Middle Earth to realize his dream project: a complete reboot of The Lord of the Rings.

If you thought you’d seen the last of Middle Earth, think again as Peter Jackson is currently preparing a remake of his own trilogy.

The Lovely Bones director swung round the Studio Exec Hobbit Hole to speak EXCLUSIVELY about the project:

I was finishing up the last effects shots of The Hobbit and we’d been in discussions about what to do next. Fran reminded me of the Tin Tin film, but frankly I haven’t heard from Steven since 2013, so I think we’ve both decided to write that one off. Then it came to me why not go back to the Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring.

A remake?

Yes. I’m very proud of those films, but re-watching them I realize there’s so much that I had to leave out.

Like Tom Bombadil?

Exactly like Tom Bombadil. There’s a whole musical number to be done there. Look at the start of The Hobbit. We kept the music in that film and I think everyone can see that it really worked. Not to mention the fact that there’s a whole generation who have yet to see them. And who wants to see an old man like Orlando Bloom when we can get Andrew Garfield in. We can show these films 25,000 frames per second and in 3D IMAX.

Will there be any significant changes?

As I say the originals do hold up, but I’m going to divide them into three films each, because there’s a lot of material in the appendices. And who doesn’t love appendices?

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship will be released in 2018 with Lord of the Rings: Of the Ring due in 2019. 

PETER JACKSON: ‘THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR WILL HAVE TO BE 5 FILMS’

WELLINGTON – Film director and slow reader Peter Jackson has announced his next project will be a franchise based on the popular children’s book The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

‘We’re trying to break down the story,’ animal killer Peter Jackson (as he prefers to be known) said. ‘It’s really difficult because there’s so much to it. So Fran said, why not split it into more than one movie? We talked to the studio and agreed on five as a good number. It’s more than three and less than twenty.’

The decision will not come as a surprise to Jackson fans who have got used to the New Zealander’s unbelievable avarice  epic imagination. Jackson said:

I know there will be criticism from the purists but if you go back to the original Eric Carle book, you’ll see clearly that the book has a very clear five film structure. That Caterpillar eats a hell of a lot of food. Ice cream cones, a leaf, some pie, it’s just endless. And if we were try to squeeze that into just one or even two movies we’d lose so much. 

Andy Serkis will play everything.

 The Very Hungry Caterpillar: Part One The Unexpected Hatching is due to start filming in June, 2013 and will star Andy Serkis.

HARRY STYLES TO DEBUT IN YOUNG GANDALF


NEW ZEALANDPeter Jackson‘s long awaited Hobbit prequel Young Gandalf finally has its star: One Direction singer and teen-heartthrob Harry Styles.

Set forty years before the events of The Hobbit, Styles will play Gandalf the Orange, an apprentice sorcerer yet to win his magic staff and who has to graduate from Warthogs Academy of Wizardry. Jackson and screenwriter Fran Walsh spoke to Studio Exec during a break from filming one of the Hobbit films.
Fran Walsh:

We get people coming up to us all the time saying, is it going to end really? Is it ever going to end? Please tell us that this is ending, right? And it’s obvious what they’re actually saying is are you going to do another one. And the answer is yes.

Peter Jackson:

Tolkien never actually wrote much about Gandalf when he was young but Tolkien didn’t write and direct an Oscar winning and massive commercial blockbuster like The Return of the King, so I think we can start to branch out on our own. F*ck Tolkien, is what I say. I’m gonna do what I want to do.

Fran Walsh:

What Pete means to say is though we revere the work of the great Tolkien and the imaginative universe he created…

Peter Jackson:

No, that isn’t it at all Fran. What I want to say is f*ck Tolkien. F*ck him up the Moria hole. I’m sick of him. 

Fran Walsh:

It is quite liberating. Fair dinkum, Pete. F*ck Tolkien.

How excited are you about working with Harry Styles?

Fran Walsh:

Who?

Pete Jackson:

Hugely. He has an enormous teenage fanbase who would jump off a cliff for him. So they’re easily going to come and see a series of five hour long fantasy films in 3D at 48 FPS and new squiggle vision.

Young Gandalf will begin filming in 2017.

PETER JACKSON EYES LORD OF THE RINGS SEQUELS

WELLINGTON – Lord of the Rings director, Peter Jackson talked post Hobbit projects this morning with Studio Exec  and his plans look set to excite Middle Earth fanatics everywhere.

‘We have been looking at making stand-alone sequels to each of the films in the original trilogy which would seek to exploit squeeze dry rape  pay homage to the world Tolkien created,’ the Bad Taste director, Peter Jackson said, smiling weakly.

The first films would go into production in 2014 and would be directed by Guillermo Del Toro: ‘We hire him and then we fire him,’ Jackson giggled. ‘It’s fun.’

According to Jackson the script of the first film is already done and the outlines of the other two films are coming into shape. ‘The first film will be The Fellowship of the Ring Rides Again,’ said The Lovely Bones. ‘Followed by The Two Towers Two. Fran wanted this one to be called The Four Towers and so that might change. And rounding off our new trilogy will be The Return of the Return of the King, which we hope will win twenty two Oscars.’

How would Jackson respond to criticism that he was milking Tolkien pretty dry?

I’d probably throw money at them. Ha ha ha. No, I’d pay someone to throw money at them. Ha ha ha. No, but seriously. I could probably throw the money myself. And I have a lot of it, so that would probably do the trick. Bags of coins, or gold bars or something. I could hire a helicopter and drop it on them. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. No, but seriously, what people don’t understand is that Tolkien was an inveterate scribbler. We have shopping lists, letters he wrote, his homework from when he was a kid, graffiti he wrote in Oxford in Elvish. So lots to be going on with. 

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HOBBIT HIT BY AUSTERITY MEASURES

WELLINGTON – Peter Jackson’s new Hobbit films have been hit by the economic crisis and have had to make cuts which are already evident from the trailers.

Expensive CGI special effects have been replaced by lumpy cartoons, sock puppets and the dwarves and hobbits have all been magically reduced in size by brutal medieval ‘aesthetic amputation’ methods.

Fran Walsh – Hobbit and Lord of the Rings screenwriter – moans: ‘Oh Jeez, we’ve had to cut so many corners. We employ children and we pay them in sweets. And we can’t afford Sir Ian McKellen so we’ve just re-cut some out takes and we’re trying to slot them in.’
Concerns over safety issues were raised however when Martin Freeman who plays Bilbo was rushed to hospital after falling over in a suit made entirely of mirrors, cutting himself badly. ‘That was the invisibility special effect,’ Freeman said, weeping piteously like a little girl. ‘I think I killed Gollum.’
Instead of the convoluted process of creating via a combination of CGI and motion capture, Gollum will be played by an unusually large frog that Peter Jackson has been stretching with his own hands.