ZACH BRAFF TO BE ILLEGAL

HOLLYWOOD – In a move which legislators say is a big step forward in the battle against climate change, Zach Braff has been made illegal.

Environmental groups have welcomed the legislation which will see a legal moratorium placed on Zach Braff, halting a practice that Greenpeace have repeatedly called one of the most toxic and destructive industrial processes that we are currently perpetrating against our fragile eco system. The law – which will come into effect at midnight – was a rare example of bi-partisan co-operation in Washington and saw John Boehner joining President Obama and praising the President for ‘his firm leadership in making a historic decision’. The Anti-Zach Braff coalition were in jubilant mood last night and spokesperson Eduardo Chavez told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We have a lot of battles ahead and there is no time to rest on our laurels, but it has to be said this is a momentous victory for the environmental movement.Zach Braff has been proved to released toxic chemicals into the water ways, devastate local environments, pollute the air and there has even been seismic activity that has been traced back to Zach Braff appearing in a film or on TV some where.

Long gone are the days that Zach Braff was seen as an alternative to carbon heavy fuels such as coal. When in Scrubs, Braff was hailed by Friends of the Earth as a possible alternative source of energy and was included in then candidate Obama’s stump speech as one of the ‘All of the Above’ options on the table to deal with the country’s energy requirements. But following Garden State and Wish You Were Here, a study by Cornell University revealed that Zach Braff was leaking methane, a greenhouse gas that was significantly more damaging to the atmosphere than the carbon it was claiming to offset.

Correction: where Zach Braff was written, it should have read Fracking.

 

FRACKING TO BEGIN IN HOBBITON

MIDDLE EARTH – An application to start a ‘fracking‘ operation in Hobbiton to exploit natural resources of Shale has has been provisionally approved by the Hobbiton and West Farthing Regional Authority.

The application has been hotly disputed by local environmental groups who believe that the open cast mining technique which release gases by pneumatically pummeling the earth is environmentally unsound and can even cause earthquakes. 

Sam Gamgee head of the ‘Frack Off Out Of It! Campaign’ spoke to the Studio Exec earlier today:

It’s just not right, is it? I didn’t walk all the way to Mordor and back for this. They’ve used this technique in Moria and in those lands in the East but it has no place, round here and people won’t stand for it. Imagine what it’ll do to the crop!

However, Pippin is a strong supporter of hydraulic fracturing (or fracking for short) and is one of the signatories of the application.

What people don’t understand or refuse to understand is that fracking is actually environmentally beneficial. Natural gas released from the Shale is a much cleaner source of energy than the wood burning and coal burning that currently is responsible for heating 80% of the homes in the Shire. Not to mention the fact that the drilling operation will create hundreds of jobs and some much needed investment in an area which has been stagnant for way too long.

What do you think? Please feel free to COMMENT your head off, in the box provided below. 

MATT DAMON COMES OUT IN SUPPORT OF FRACKING

HOLLYWOOD – Matt Damon, actor and activist, has come out yesterday in a stunning u-turn to support the gas acquisition process known as ‘fracking’, despite having written and starred in a film The Promised Land, ostensibly opposed to the practice.

Mr. Damon spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

Yeah I was opposed to fracking at first because I didn’t really understand it. There are all these hippy types in Hollywood like Tim Robbins and they convinced me of a lot of stuff then I sat down and did some research via Business Insider and they really changed my mind. You could say that there’s one Bourne every minute, right? Am I right?

So now you’re not opposed to the hydraulic extraction of shale gas, which some say pollutes the water table, adds to carbon emissions as well as ruining the site of extraction?

What happens between two consenting adults in the privacy of their own home is their business and nobody else’s.

But that isn’t fracking as such. 

Of course there are sometimes more than two and that’s okay as well.

We’re talking about the most environmentally damaging things you can do to the environment. James Hanson argues that… 

Hey, I wasn’t Bourne yesterday you know. I see what you’re trying to do.

Are you just going to keep making Bourne puns?

No. Maybe. As the Boss says, [Singing] I was … BOURNE in the USA! I was… BOURNE in the USA. 

Uh huh. 

Okay. No. Sorry this is a serious issue and I’m going to take it seriously. After all, I damaged the cause of Fracking in America and now I want to put things right. Not just for me and my children, but for the generations yet to be Bourne.  

Ben Affleck was unavailable for comment. 

More Matt Damon news can be found by clicking the two words which say ‘Click Here’.