DISNEY BUY CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

HOLLYWOOD – In a deal worth $78 billion, media giants Disney have just bought Canadian actor Christopher Plummer.

Following the purchase of Star Wars, Marvel, Pixar and now Fox, the Disney Company have just announced a $78 billion dollar deal to buy Sound of Music star Christopher Plummer. Media Analyst Dunque Screens told the Studio Exec:

This is a great deal for Disney. It looks like a lot of money but what Disney are getting is not just Mr. Plummer’s extensive back catalogue and his film work and TV work, they’re also getting the rights to whoever Mr. Plummer replaces in the next few years. And looking at the pace of the scandals currently sweeping Hollywood and the entertainment industry generally that could mean extensive acquisitions.

However, critics of the deal point to this widespread application of Christopher Plummer as a problem. Marquis Martinique underlined this danger:

When Disney got Marvel, they got Iron Man, Avengers and all those properties. With Star Wars, they get the films, but also the characters and the universe. And with Fox they get the Simpsons and the X-Men. Now, with Plummer, they get Kevin Spacey, Bryan Singer, Brett Ratner, Def Jam records, Matt Lauer, the documentaries of Morgan Sporlock and the entire back catalogue of Woody Allen and Roman Polanski as well as the Cosby Show.

The Monopolies and Mergers Commission will inspect the sale closely.

Image courtesy of @thePixelFactor. Follow him on twitter here.

GERALDO RIVERA’S MUSTACHE ACCUSED OF FACIAL HARASSMENT

NEW YORK – Geraldo Rivera’s mustache has been accused of facial harassment.

Fox News correspondent Geraldo Rivera took to Twitter late last night to accuse his mustache of harassing him. The veteran reporter tweeted:

It started forty years ago as part of a beard but since that my mustache has stared calling the shots. What started as innocent facial growth has now taken over my personality completely.

In an EXCLUSIVE interview with the Studio Exec Geraldo claimed that his mustache was responsible for some of his stranger decisions.

The whole Matt Lauer thing was my mustache’s idea. You probably won’t believe me, but that thing can tweet. It has an intelligence all its own. During the night if I don’t do exactly what it says, it grows up my nose and into my mouth and tries to suffocate me. Like the tree in the Evil Dead movies. I mean, shit, man!

So you’re saying that you didn’t make those comments about News being a ‘flirty business’?

No. That was Baffi.

Baffi?

That’s what I call them.

Them?

Well, technically my mustaches are plural. One either side. Like magnificent hair wings.

Geraldo Rivera will resign by the end of the week amidst an avalanche of allegations about mustache oil.

MEGYN KELLY LINES UP JABBA THE HUTT

HOLLYWOOD – NBC host Megyn Kelly will interview Jabba the Hutt on Sunday, causing yet more controversy.

Megyn Kelly has moved from Fox to NBC but it looks like the Fox News sensationalism has moved with her. First she softballs Vladimir Putin and then gives conspiracy theorist, truther and performance artist Alex Jones a platform. However, her latest interview is set to cause even more controversy. Next Sunday, Megyn will be interviewing Tatooine gangster Jabba Desilijic Tiure more commonly known of as Jabba the Hutt.

Kelly spoke to Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

The fact is Jabba is a powerful force in the galaxy and it is time that we examined the views, as abhorrent as those views might be to some people. Do I agree with what he says? No. Do I support the slavery and scriminal activity he is accused of? Of course not. Do I like having to wear that strange Princess Leia bikini as a precondition to agreeing to the interview? I’d rather not. But if that’s what it takes to get the ratings… I mean story, then that’s a price I’m willing to pay. It’s not nice, but then again I worked for Roger Ailes so I think I’m prepared.

However, victims of the Hutts represented by the Sarlac Truth Society roundly condemned NBC:

Jabba the Hutt has destroyed literally thousands of lives, many of them being digested in a slow horrible death in the Pit of Carkoon or killed by the Rancor. The fact that he will be given a prime time audience on national television is an insult to all those who have died.

When called on to respond NBC issued a one word statement:

RATINGS.

Megyn Kelly Meets Jabba will air this Sunday on NBC. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

SLIGHTLY LESS CRAP FILM BEATS CRAP FILM AT THE BOX OFFICE

HOLLYWOOD – The figures are in for the weekend and the news is that a slightly less crap film has beaten a crap film at the box office.

The Memorial Weekend figures are in and X-Men: Apocalypse released by Fox has easily won over Disney’s Alice Through the Looking Glass, which performed disappointingly for anyone who likes to see unnecessary sequels to bad films financially rewarded. Although the eleventy-th X-Men film beat out its immediate rival, it didn’t perform as well as the last entry in the flaccid comic book series X-Men: Days of Future Past, leading some analysts to argue that perhaps people are growing tired of mediocre films based on comic books which are essentially for children. However, others have pointed to the fact that the film is still likely to make money and now the dream machines that are kept locked in each studio have now all been fitted so as to only convert properties into CGI rich franchises, it is unlikely that that the studios will want to change direction anytime soon.

For more film news, click here.

OMEN PREQUEL ‘WILL BE ALL ABOUT SPERM’

HOLLYWOOD – The prequel to The Omen will be all about sperm, according to the log line issued by Fox.

When news came in that an Omen prequel was on the cards, everyone went ape shit. People were throwing things out of windows, the Vatican condemned the movie industry and Canada made the USA illegal. However, after this inexplicable over reaction subsided Fox confirmed that they were moving ahead with the movie regardless of the controversy the decision had created. Today they issued the log line that comes with the movie.

Millions of sperm are released into the vaginal canal of Damien’s mother to be, but only one of the sperm will fight through and survive to fertilize the egg. As each of the other sperm is killed off in an increasingly elaborate manner, the audience will have a foretaste of the demonic capabilities of the Anti-Christ.

Antonio Campos, who most recently directed popular Sundance hit Christine, is set to direct the horror thriller provisionally titled The First Omen: The Semen, produced by David Goyer and Kevin Turen and Phantom Four and which is positioned as a follow up to the forty-year old classic directed by Richard Donner and starring Gregory Peck as the unluckiest foster father in the world.

The First Omen: The Semen will be released in 2019.

TYLER PERRY’S THE PASSION PROVES ‘THERE IS NO GOOD GOD’

HOLLYWOOD – Tyler Perry conclusively has proven there is no such thing as a benign omnipotent God via his live television event The Passion.

Critics of religion such as Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins congratulated Tyler Perry for doing away with the notion that there was some kind of all powerful good God. Perry’s Palm Sunday live television broadcast The Passion showed on Fox last night and proved beyond doubt that a good God was at best a chimera, at worst a delusion. The semi-live  musical featured a huge glowing crucifix being carried through the streets of New Orleans on Palm Sunday, to a souped up Karaoke soundtrack sung by half famous people.

Fox’s second live musical event of the year so far, the tale of the last hours of Jesus Christ featured Tyler Perry himself as the narrator in pre-taped segments,  Trisha Yearwood played Mary the Virgin Mother, Seal as Pontius Pilate, Prince Royce as the future St. Peter, Chris Daughtry as Judas, and Telenovela’s Jencarlos Canela as Jesus. Singing covers of such classic Spirituals as Tears for Fears’ Mad World and We Don’t Need Another Hero (Beyond the Thunderdome) from Mad Max 3, the telecast had an immediate and significant effect on the belief in God on audiences throughout the country.

“I’ve always been a God-fearing church goer,” said Conor Wickam (43) from Idaho, “but now there just doesn’t seem to be any point.” These sentiments were echoed as religious groups suddenly decided their time would be better spent writing long introspective novels, or having sex with people they actually wanted to have sex with. Even the Vatican issued a statement.

The Holy Father watched with dismay as Tyler Perry made the existence of a all powerful and beneficent deity seem silly. He’s decided to take a few days of retreat and meditation while he knocks his resume into shape.

Tyler Perry however pointed to the fact that some had their faith strengthened:

I spoke with my good friend Paul Rudd and he said that he felt the show was deep and that he would be practicing his own beliefs with far more fervor than hitherto.

For more on Paul Rudd’s satanism, Click Here.

NO NEW TV FOR 2017 ‘SO THAT WE CAN CATCH UP’

HOLLYWOOD – HBO, AMC, Netflix, Amazon, Showtime and Fox have all declared that absolutely no new TV shows will be broadcast in 2017.

The decision came following a meeting with the head of all the studios involved and a joint statement was issued EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec.

The thing is we’ve noticed that this year is going to be a bumper year for television with show after show maintaining an astonishingly high quality of writing, acting and production. There are in fact so many shows and so many platforms on which to watch the shows that is has come to our attention that the average American has over one hundred hours of television backlogged and there is very little chance of that backlog going away if there isn’t some kind of moratorium. So that is what we have got together and done.

The move comes after similar moves in Europe have had salutary effects on their respective populace. The BBC made no shows in the UK last year and said that people were drinking more and generally happier. In Italy no new TV shows have been produced for fifteen years and on average people live twenty years longer, if they don’t kill themselves.

What do you think of 2017 being a TV free year?

Is it enough time for you to finally watch the last five episodes of Mr. Robot?

Will you go back and finally start watching The Good Wife or Bloodlines?

Answer these questions in our comment box or I will find you and I will kill you.

ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW REMAKE WELCOMED BY FANS

HOLLYWOOD – Cult classic musical The Rocky Horror Picture Show is to be remade and the news has been universally welcomed by fans everywhere.

‘Let’s do the time warp again!’ And again! as Fox announce that The Rocky Horror Picture Show is to be remade in an announcement that delighted fans of the original everywhere. Joe Lewis’ response was typical of the outpouring of love:

The original film is great and we all love it. We love dressing up as the characters and attending special screenings. But the fact of the matter is that film is forty years old. Everyone I know is tired of it. I mean bored. There are only so many times you can watch Tim Curry and co camping it up. And the part with Meatloaf is almost unwatchable after all that I’ll Do Anything For you (But I won’t Do That)’ stuff. Susan Sarandon is in it and I can’t get the image out of my head of her as the nun from Dead Man Walking when she’s singing ‘Touch-A-Touch-A-Touch-A-Touch-Me’. It ruins it for me.

The new version will tell the story of sweethearts Janet Weiss (Victoria Justice) and Brad Majors (Ryan McCartan), who enter the creepy house of Dr. Frank-N-Furter (Laverne Cox), a sexually ambiguous, and crazy scientist. She is holding an annual Transylvanian science convention to showcase the birth of “Rocky Horror” – a  man (Staz Nair) created solely to fulfill Frank-N-Furter’s desires. Originally writer and butler Richard O’Brien has also welcomed the deal.

Many people said why make it again. The original version is damned near perfect and it has a great following. They show it everywhere again and again, like a constant revival, but the truth is I’d really like a bigger house. The house I have is pretty good, but if I could get a bigger one, I’d like it to have turrets and perhaps a moat. I mean I say house but I’m really thinking of a castle I suppose. And I’ve always wanted a helipad and I believe Kenny Ortega’s new version of Rocky Horror Picture Show can deliver that.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show will be directed by the man who brought us High School Musical.

THE MAKING OF ALIEN

HOLLYWOOD – In the latest in our celebrated Making of… series, we look at the behind the scenes drama that went into the making of Ridley Scott’s Science Fiction Horror film “Alien”.

The Idea

Dan O’Bannon had been writing Science Fiction scripts for some time. He had scripted and had a small part in John Carpenter’s debut movie “Dark Star”, but O’Bannon wanted to branch out and make a realistic drama about truckers driving across America with a cargo of coal. He wrote to his agent John Stutter:

Dear John,

Please find enclosed the treatment for the new screenplay “Alan”. The story is simple. A trucker called Alan is taking a cargo of coal across America. I see this as very much “Convoy”, but with coal and not as escapist as that film. Let me know what you think.

However, Sutter had not properly read the treatment and his note to O’Bannon was apologetic.

Dan,

Sorry to tell you this but I just glanced at the title of your treatment and got straight onto the phone with Fox. I thought the title was “Alien”. I think it was an ink smudge. Bad news, when I read the treatment I thought it deadly dull. Good news, Fox are sold on having a script from Dark Star writer Dan O’Bannon entitled “Alien”!

A disgruntled O’Bannon got to work and he re-used several characters from his coal convoy story along with the grungy feel he had been aspiring to but he resolutely refused to add an Alien which saw the script taken out of his hands and given to Ronald Shusett who added the Alien. Walter Hill’s production company got involved and a British commercials director who had just made an atmospheric Napoleonic drama called “The Duellists” was also interested.

Pre-Production

The key to the film was thought to be the creature of the title and Jim Henson, the puppet master who created the Muppets, was called in. Following Ridley Scott’s instructions to ‘go dark’, Henson produced the face-hugger, the fetus and the final creature in one 48 hour bout of creativity. However, fearing for his child friendly reputation he hired Swiss artist H.R. Giger to present the work as his own, a decision Henson would bitterly regret for the rest of his life.

Production

Tom Skerritt, Sigourney Weaver, Veronica Cartwright,Harry Dean Stanton, John Hurt, Ian Holm and Yaphet Kotto were all cast after Ridley Scott got stuck in a lift with them in a Casino in Las Vegas and was impressed by the way they reacted diversely to the claustrophobic emergency. In keeping with the sense of immediacy Scott attempted to maintain a sense of spontaneity throughout the fourteen week shoot which took place between July 5 and October 21, 1978. Scott gave the actors only selective pages of script and would frequently spring surprises on them. The chest-burster scene was so disturbing that Yaphey Kotto pissed himself with fear. Harry Dean Stanton recalls:

The urine was everywhere and we were skidding around on it and almost falling on our asses, but Ian and John came from the British theater tradition and so they carried right on. And that was the take that Ridley used. Some of the looks of disgust on Veronica’s face for example, are because of the urine on the floor as much as the special effects.

Later filming the final sequence, Sigourney Weaver would shit her pants, though this was later revealed to be a prank she played on the rest of the cast and crew.

Reception

The advertising campaign for Alien was widely seen as one of the most successful of the late 70s although there is some controversy about who came up with the final tag line. Salman Rushdie claimed that he was the author and Gabriel Garcia Marquez said the line was his own. Scott settled the argument when it was revealed that Julian Lennon, son of Beatle John Lennon used to say to his father every night before he went to bed, ‘Remember dad, in space no one can hear you scream’ which would cause some of John Lennon’s most violent ‘bad trips’. The film was deemed a success and in 1987 the library of congress hired a video cassette of it and forgot to take it back the next day, which is considered by some to be the highest mark of honor.

Alien was released in 1979.

For more of The Making of… CLICK HERE.

CAREY MULLIGAN TO PLAY WOLVERINE

HOLLYWOOD – News from the X-Men universe has it that Carey Mulligan is to play the new Wolverine in X-Men: Apocalypse.

The 30 year old actress famed for her roles in An Education, Drive and The Great Gatsby will be taking over from Hugh Jackman, who has played James Howlett AKA Rogan AKA Wolverine for fifteen years, including 5 X-Men films and two stand alone Wolverine movies. A third Wolverine movie due out in 2017 and was rumored to be Jackman’s last appearance in the role but it looks now as if Carey Mulligan will be taking over.

A spokesperson for Fox told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It is a sad fact that Hugh Jackman following a whole bunch of films – seven in total – will finally be hanging up his titanium claws, but we’re really excited to have found a replacement who will bring Wolverine to a whole new audience. Carey has that fresh faced exuberance and that lovely shy vulnerability that is there in the comic books and that Hugh, despite all his best efforts, singularly failed to bring to the screen.

Fox is hoping to change several of the main characters in a bid to compete with Marvel’s Avengers series and casting rumors have been rife. Ariana Grande is currently in talks to play a new version of Professor Xavier and Miley Cyrus looks like a possible Nightcrawler.

Mulligan herself said that she was ‘excited by the opportunity but also a little nervous of having to go up against Hugh’s super portrayal.’ She has already begun smoking cigars to prepare for the role and is due to have the surgery which will see her adamantium skeleton implanted.

How does she feel about having six inch razor sharp claws protruding from her knuckles?

‘Well, I’ll never be lost for a pair of scissors again!’ says the delightful Mulligan.

X-Men Apocalypse will be released in 2016 and Wolverine: Donkey Heaven will be out the following year. 

FBI FORCE FOX TO CHANGE TITLE OF FANTASTIC FOUR

HOLLYWOOD – Fox studios have been forced to change the title of the new Josh Trank movie The Fantastic Four to simply The Four.

The Fantastic Four has been released to universally disappointing reviews and the unprecedented legal case was brought by the FBI following a deluge of complaints from theater patrons. It stars Miles Teller as Mr. Fantastic, who will be renamed in the new version Mr. M’eh, Kate Mara as Susan Storm, renamed Susan Drizzle and Michael B. Jordan as the Human Torch, who will simply be known as the Torch and Jamie Bell as the Thingy.

Special Agent Jim Bauer told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Usually the FBI would never get involved in a dispute over the title of a movie but Jesus Christ, I don’t know if it was Fox or if it was Josh Trank, but someone needs to be warned that this film is in no shape or form Fantastic and certainly not four fantastics. From now on people going to see it will not be misled and hopefully everything will be okay from now on.

Although unusual, the actions of the FBI are not completely without precedent. When in 2012 the Tom Hardy, Chris Pine and Reese Witherspoon comedy This Means Hilarious War was released, the Federal Bureau of Investigation was forced to intervene and remove a word to make it more appropriate.

When asked for comment, Josh Trank simply said: ‘F*cking Fox, [mumble mumble] Fox!’

The Four is currently in theaters. 

MIKE HUCKABEE LEAVES FOX TO JOIN ZZ TOP

HOLLYWOOD – Mike Huckabee has left Fox News show Huckabee in order to formally join Texan rockers, ZZ Top.

The 44th Governor of Arkansas and Presidential candidate was rumored to be close to the band for years, but only announced his departure last week on a tearful episode of his popular Fox show Huckabee.

A spokesperson for Fox said:

We are delighted that Mike is moving on to new experiences. Although we have valued him as a voice of reason and compassion on the right, for many years it has been obvious that his heart has not really been in politics. For every show we do, he spends very little time reading the material and researching and much more time playing the bass guitar and occasionally the drums. Finally, he has decided to give up politics entirely and devote his time to touring with the hard rock outfit, ZZ Top.

Billy Gibbons, lead guitarist, vocalist and band leader, said that ZZ Top had been eyeing Huckabee for some time.

He’s a solid bottom line and I knew that he and Frank had occasionally been jamming. Dusty Hill was none too pleased, obviously and was quite rude about the idea, but then Frank broke his wrist, so we decided to get Mike to come in and play the drums until he’s better. We’ll see how it works out and then when Frank comes back we can maybe give Mike a shot at playing bass and Dusty can become a rhythm guitarist.

When Studio Exec had an opportunity to ask about Mike Huckabee’s political ambitions, which were rumored to include another candidacy for President, the musical ex-governor chuckled:

Oh Lord no. First off, politics is just too darned ornery and I ain’t about to spend my declining years arguing with a bunch of pipsqueaks about the ins and outs of legislation. Second up, I’ve always had a hankering after growing some facial herbage and right here’s my opportunity gorn darnit!

ZZ Top’s new album Don’t Want to Be President Anyway! will be released in 2015.

 

RENEE ZELLWEGGER’S NEW FACE CAUSES MOCK HORROR

HOLLYWOOD – Renee Zellwegger’s new face came as a shock to exactly the same grubby bunch of journalists and money hungry plastic surgeon who pressure women into worshiping at the altars of eternal youth and fascistic body conformity in the first place.

Fox News invited a plastic surgeon Dr. Todd Schliffstein to speculate on what plastic surgery she has had done, if indeed she has had any. Botox he reckoned. Among other things.

CNN headlined an article ‘Is that you Renee Zellwegger?’ and compared it to the great Jennifer Grey nose disaster of 1999.

The British tabloid the Daily Mail employed the Dr. Alex Karidis, another plastic surgeon who hasn’t been employed by Renee Zellwegger but is still happy to make money off of yet more prima facie speculation blandly daubed with modal verbs to avoid legal ramifications.

Oh, dear. The mock horror, the drivel, the pointlessness.

Oh Renee, you had us at misogyny!

SEAN HANNITY DOES COMEDY SPECIAL ON HBO

HOLLYWOOD – Following clashes with Russell Brand and Stephen Colbert, Fox anchor Sean Hannity today said that he finds nobody funny and so he’s going to do it himself in a new HBO comedy special Hannity Laughs at People who are Different from Us. The 52 year old conservative commentator spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I’ve tried watching comics and comedians but I don’t find any of them funny. They all strike me as a bunch of lame brained liberals who spend half their time warring against Christmas and the other half supporting terrorist organisations such as Hamas and the ACLU.  Stephen Colbert isn’t funny. He’s mildly funnier than Jon Stewart but Jon Stewart is only as funny as a child’s freshly dug grave by which I mean: not funny at all. Russell Brand is so not funny he goes all the way round starts to become funny again but then laps himself and lands in NOT FUNNY.

What about other comedians?

Who like?

Charlie Chaplin?

Immigrant, vagrant, communist, get a job.

Woody Allen?

Pervert, anti-Semite.

Monty Python?

Never heard of him.

Adam Sandler?

Now he is a funny guy. He’s funny. Yeah, Sandler is the man when it comes to comedy. You see some people look at my big Irish head and think I haven’t got a sense of humor, an iota of nuance or good humor because of all my rage and bigotry. But Adam Sandler films do make me laugh. So there you go I do have a sense of humor after all.

What is your own show going to be like?

It is a very basic stand up style that I’m going to adopt. Very pared down. Me and a stool. And then I’m going to give classic observational comedy. Like for instance, ‘have you ever noticed that Asians are bad drivers?’ Then people will laugh because it’s both funny and true. All my comedy is based on picking up on people who either through accident of birth, or sexuality, or life decisions, or hard luck are just not normal like me. If you’re a straight white Irish/American male I think you’ll find a lot to laugh at.

The HBO special Sean Hannity: Laughing at People Who Are Different from Us will be released in 2015.