BREAKING NEWS – Yet another Dean Cain Superman rant has been ignored by everyone. The latest Dean Cain Superman rant came in the wake of the news that Action Comics’ new Superman has a bi-sexual son. As the 90s TV Superman shouted at passers-by about bandwagons while sat on his ‘garden sofa’, his microwave dinner for one pinged in readiness to be devoured in front of Dean’s favorite ‘TV stories’.
Dean Cain Superman Rant Not The First
Cain, who now lives in Topeka, Kansas because ‘those Westboro Baptist folks are just so warm-hearted and Christian-like’ will be found regularly writhing around on a couch on his front lawn. There he yells at anyone who will listen about all manner of subjects from Gays, Lesbians to ‘them there Bi-Sexuals’. There, Dean will happily share a beer with you, as long as ‘you ain’t one of them pinko Democrat fags’. As you sup on his luke-warm Buds, he’ll tell you how he was once Superman.
‘I Was Once Superman… Once’
He’ll tell you how he was better than Christopher Reeve and especially better than ‘that fucking Brandon Routh who broke God’s laws by appearing on that god-damned anti-Christian Will & Grace’. Whereas he just played an alien from a faraway planet with superpowers, which is ‘totally in the Bible and everything’.
Is It A Bird, Is It A Plane? No It’s A Right-Wing Bigot!
If you’re lucky he’ll just fall asleep after a hectic day’s hatin’. Or he’ll go inside to catch up on repeats of Highway To Heaven. If you get him on a bad day, Dean will go and get his old Superman costume. It’s got a real badly worn crotch. He’ll then start zooming around the garden. Just keep your fingers crossed that crotch doesn’t give way yet again, exposing his ‘Little Jimmy Olsen and Lex Luthers’.
Dean Will No Doubt Appear On Fox News Again Shortly
HOLLYWOOD – It looks like there will not be a new season of popular sit-com The Cosby Show.
Speaking from a hotel in New York, Bill Cosby admitted that it is unlikely there will be a new season of The Cosby Show:
It looks like we’ve come to the end of the road. I was hoping to revamp it. What with all the reboots around at the moment – Twin Peaks and Fuller House and what not, I figured the time had come to get the cast together once more. I think there’d be an audience for that but what with the changing demographic and the sexual assaulting I guess it looks like a tough deal.
Wait did you just say sexual assaulting?
I meant alleged. Alleged.
So what’s next?
Well, I’ve put out feelers. I’d like to appear in a film.
Who did you contact?
Woody Allen. And Roman Polanski.
Wait weren’t they both accused…?
And some of the younger talent. I’ve always wanted to work with Casey Affleck and Johnny Depp. I thought I might try my hand at punditry.
You mean on a News channel.
Yeah. I’ve got opinions. I’ve left I don’t know how many messages with Roger Ailes but he doesn’t seem to be returning my calls. How low can you go that even Roger Ailes doesn’t return your calls!?
Bill Cosby will be appearing in a new film with Bill O’Reilly. Click HERE to read more.
HOLLYWOOD – Megyn Kelly’s new boyfriend is in the news but what do we really know about Alex Jones.
We sent the Studio Exec ALTERNATE FACT Squad to find out about who Alex Jones really is.
1. Alex Jones is a conspiracy and a false flag. The CIA or the NSA invented him to make everyone despair of the future of the human race. Thomas Pynchon once wrote: ‘Get them asking the wrong questions. It doesn’t matter if they find the answers.’ Jones is the patron saint of the wrong questions.
2. Alex Jones started his career as a choir boy and had a hit singing the theme song ‘I’m Walking in the Air’ t the Raymond Briggs animated feature The Snowman.
3. During his divorce, Alex Jones confessed to being a kind of performance artist. He also worked as a trapeze artist, a tightrope walker, a sword-swallower and human shaped receptacle for bile and filth.
4. Jabba the Hutt and Alex Jones have never been seen in the same room at the same time.
5. Among the many controversies Jones has embroiled himself in with all the sensitivity of a knuckle and the intellect of a clam, the most famous was the claim that the Sandy Hook school shooting was faked. His claim led to the harassment of some of the parents of the dead children by online trolls, convinced that they were part of some conspiracy. The lack of empathy, the certainty of rightness without any evidence or intellectual support, the leap from supposition to conclusion with none of the intervening stages of – you know, thinking it through, asking people etc. – the bullish stubborn dumbness of this raspy voiced rat-penised asshole makes it no surprise that President Donald Trump likes and admires him. The unflushed toilet of America has a face and it is that of Alex Jones.
HOLLYWOOD – NBC host Megyn Kelly will interview Jabba the Hutt on Sunday, causing yet more controversy.
Megyn Kelly has moved from Fox to NBC but it looks like the Fox News sensationalism has moved with her. First she softballs Vladimir Putin and then gives conspiracy theorist, truther and performance artist Alex Jones a platform. However, her latest interview is set to cause even more controversy. Next Sunday, Megyn will be interviewing Tatooine gangster Jabba Desilijic Tiure more commonly known of as Jabba the Hutt.
Kelly spoke to Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:
The fact is Jabba is a powerful force in the galaxy and it is time that we examined the views, as abhorrent as those views might be to some people. Do I agree with what he says? No. Do I support the slavery and scriminal activity he is accused of? Of course not. Do I like having to wear that strange Princess Leia bikini as a precondition to agreeing to the interview? I’d rather not. But if that’s what it takes to get the ratings… I mean story, then that’s a price I’m willing to pay. It’s not nice, but then again I worked for Roger Ailes so I think I’m prepared.
However, victims of the Hutts represented by the Sarlac Truth Society roundly condemned NBC:
Jabba the Hutt has destroyed literally thousands of lives, many of them being digested in a slow horrible death in the Pit of Carkoon or killed by the Rancor. The fact that he will be given a prime time audience on national television is an insult to all those who have died.
When called on to respond NBC issued a one word statement:
Megyn Kelly Meets Jabba will air this Sunday on NBC. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.
HOLLYWOOD – Bill O’Reilly has revealed that he is to produce a new movie called 12 Years a Well Fed Slave as an attempt to ‘counteract pervasive lies about slavery being bad’.
Fox News presenter Bill O’Reilly is to move into movie production with his new film 12 Years a Well Fed Slave, which will tell the story of how Solomon Jefferies, a slave. Bought by the Daniels family in Georgia, Jefferies was treated fine, with great food, comfy accommodation and the occasional ‘educational’ beating. Bill O’Reilly spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the project:
What I resent is a lot of well-meaning bleeding heart liberals talking about history when they know nothing at all about the actual facts. We all know the image of the suffering slave portrayed in Roots and 12 Years a Slave, but what about the vast majority of slaves who had life good and honky-dory, if that isn’t a racist word now.
I don’t think so.
Michelle Obama was right to say that slaves built the White House, but what she failed to point out was that these slaves got to eat venison on Sundays, were given free tickets to see the Mozart concert, when Mozart was playing in town and played badminton on their purpose built badminton courts. Yes, they were occasionally killed and tortured with impunity, yes, they were absolutely unfree and had no civil liberties, but that’s a small price to pay for Marriage of Figaro and hitting shuttlecocks now and then. I think you’ll agree.
12 Years a Well-Fed Slave will be released in… actually it won’t be released.
NEW YORK – Fox news boss Roger Ailes is to guest star on the Discovery Channel show Naked and Afraid.
Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Roger Ailes talked about his new career path:
For years I’ve been the man behind the news. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve eschewed the limelight. But now I feel it’s time to got out front and showed people who I am. And all I am.
At first, Roger will be dropped in the remote Highlands of Scotland without a stitch of clothing. Here he will have to fend for himself and survive without food or water or clothing. Ailes remarked:
I am a man who would like to test myself. I’ve got used to rich living and I want to challenge myself, lose some flab and pit myself against the challenges that the harsh environment will throw at me.
The Discovery Channel noted some changes to its traditional format for the Roger Ailes show.
Usually, we have two participants, a man and a woman who must work together. However, given recent accusation against Mr. Ailes, we decided that his episode will be a solo effort to avoid any legal difficulty. We also decided that we would not have a time limit and although usually at the end of an agreed period we helicopter in and pick the participant up, we’ve decided we’ll just leave Roger out there for as long as it takes.
Roger Ailes will be Naked and Afraid in November.
WASHINGTON – Former TV reality star Donald Trump has dropped out of the race to be the next Republican candidate for the US presidency.
The surprise move came following a no-show at the Fox hosted debate yesterday evening. Mr. Trump had cited the presence of the ‘lightweight’ reporter Megyn Kelly as well as the pronouncements by Fox News boss Roger Ailes as his motivation for that decision. The property tycoon, who was ahead in the polls is a popular presence on social media which is expected to rise this year. Trump attended an event to raise money for a veterans charity instead and despite his absence it has been claimed that he won the debate anyway. However, in a statement released by the Trump camp yesterday saying that Mr. Trump was withdrawing his candidacy:
We have tried to run a fair campaign, but I have discovered that even if I were to win the candidacy of the Republican party I would be forced as a Presidential candidate to endure more debates with Megyn Kelly and she might also be involved with the coverage on election night. I cannot put up with her micro-aggressions and I have already talked to Roger Ailes – who remains despite everything a good friend – and he has told me that Fox will not provide trigger warnings before that woman appears on the screen.
Mr. Trump refused to say whether or not he would be running as an independent candidate but it is believed that such a decision would be highly unlikely.
One top analyst told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
The man is shattered. I mean he’s a wreck. The amount of hostility he has had to put up with and the protesters at his rallies, something that doesn’t seem to happen to other candidates. You see this big blustering asshole with this huge blustering mouth, but Mr. Trump in private moments is a very delicate flower that needs nurturing and watering and a little sunshine. You know how he relaxes? He reads Marcel Proust in the original French.
With Donald Trump off the ticket, Ted Cruz now looks like a front runner. God have mercy on our souls.
HOLLYWOOD – All major new channels have been accused of faking Black Friday footage of shoppers going crazy and fighting with each other in what is being called ‘a planned conspiracy to make the human race feel miserable about itself and buy more stuff’.
ABC, CNN, MSNBC, Fox News and other outlets apparently filmed the Black Friday footage in June using actors from the AMC series The Walking Dead as well as CGI to increase the numbers.
Media analyst Bethany Stokes told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
If you look at the footage you will see the same faces as we saw in the last few episodes of The Walking Dead. Some of them still have the zombie make up on. We know that this never actually happened because no one has actually met anyone who was involved. The only examples of this happening have been copycats, who saw the footage and believed that they needed to behave in this way as well. This is learned behavior. And then the media will film that footage as well and interweave the two.
But to what purpose? Why would these media outlets do such a thing?
People are generally happy. They realise they are lucky to be alive and to be relatively wealthy. Most people have everything they need. So the media needs to persuade people to go out and shop but not just shop; shop as if it is a part of The Hunger Games. When buying a television becomes imbued with survivalist fervor just because you save some dollars you might be more inclined to do so, even though you ahve a perfectly good television that you only bought last year at home. Plus people who are not going to be moved to copy the behavior – liberals, moralists and the like -will become so depressed they will rush out and buy Ken Loach DVDs and Noam Chomsky books to cheer themselves up. Either way the cash register is working overtime.
ABC, CNN, MSNBC and Fox News were unavailable for comment.
NEW YORK – Marvel have announced a new venture – a 24 hour news channel which will give EXCLUSIVE minute by minute updates and rolling coverage of everything happening in the Marvel Universe.
They began with comic books and then branched out into movie franchises such as Iron Man and The Avengers and TV shows such as Daredevil and Jessica Jones, but now Marvel are extending their reach even further with a 24 Hour news channel dedicated to reporting events in the Marvel Universe.
Former NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams will be heading the Marvel news team with his trademark imagination and cutting edge analysis.
Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec from the Avengers’ secret base in Canada, Williams had this to say:
This is going to be a dedicated news service providing viewers with all the up to date information that they need about the goings on in the Marvel Universe. There’ll be tech news with Tony Stark, dedicated Hulk warnings and Black Widow will do the weather. Foreign correspondent Thor will give you the intergalactic news, including the latest developments in Asgard and the refugee crisis following the near destruction of Xandar. Groot will have a dedicated part of the show where he gives his critical commentary on what is going on in the world of politics and Drax the Destroyer and Rocket are double teaming for the Sports Desk.
Potentially rival stations have reacted differently. NBC wished Mr. Williams the best in a cordial statement, but CNN bitterly criticized the development, saying ‘There is no room for fictional news in the schedule.’ In contrast Fox News welcomed the new channel, saying in a statement:
Fox News has always encouraged the use of fantasy to the utmost in our reporting of the news and we can only stand back and admire the new initiative of Marvel 24 Hour News Channel. They are genuinely running with this.
The Marvel News Channel will begin broadcasting at the end of the week.
NEW YORK – Following his departure at The Daily Show, host Jon Stewart has revealed that he will be joining the popular Fox News show Fox & Friends.
Speculation ran rife about Jon Stewart’s future plans when the popular comedian announced that he was leaving The Daily Show. The smart money was on a new career as a film director following the critical success of his debut film “Rosewater.” And so it came as a shock to many in the liberal media establishment when it was revealed today that Jon will be joining the popular morning show Fox & Friends. He explained EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:
I am someone who enjoys challenges and change. As host of The Daily Show, I am always surrounded by intelligent people who really care about what they are doing. So I wondered to myself—What would it be like working with a bunch of callous hacks? That’s when I got the offer from Fox. Originally the idea was to cohost a show with Bill O’Reilly, but Bill put his foot down because he gets nervous around intelligence.
Jon’s new colleagues say they are delighted to have him on board. Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade spoke in robotic unison to the Studio Exec:
We are delighted to have Stewart join us on the Fox couch. As watching other channels is illegal for Fox employees, we’ve heard through the grapevine that some of his work is popular with people, and we are the people’s network, so we should all get along just fine. He’ll have to go easy on the factual stuff and the thinking-about-things habit, but other than that we think he’ll really enjoy our cooking segments and introducing our popular music guests like Pat Benatar.
In related news, incoming host Trevor Noah tweeted that ‘Jewish women are ugly #jk’.
Fox & Friends with Jon Stewart will begin broadcasting in the next few weeks.
Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor
NEW YORK – Following revelations that NBC’s Brian Williams Iraq story was mis-remembered, the veracity of other reports by the veteran reporter including his award winning Narnia coverage have been called into question.
Xampard Brunt media watcher and expert spoke to the Studio Exec about the scandal which is already being called Narnia-gate:
Brian Williams’ coverage of Narnia and specifically his war coverage that saw the defeat of the Ice Queen by Aslan and his assembled armies was both award-winning and compelling television in the finest tradition of Edward Murrow, but it is now becoming evident that not only was Brian Williams not involved in the centaur fire fight with Mr. Tumnus as his first hand account suggested, but that he might not even have been in Narnia during the war.
But surely Narnia is a fictional realm full of magical creatures and written by the Christian fabulist C.S. Lewis.
And your point is?
That it doesn’t really… well… exist.
That would explain many of the holes in Mr. Williams’ story and the reason ABC have been unable to get a reporter there. Fox News however has Oliver North stationed in Narnia permanently. It all begins to make sense.
For more news on the news keep in touch with theStudioExec.com via twitter @studioexec1.
HOLLYWOOD – Police and civic leaders were this evening calling for calm as riots continued to rage across Los Angeles following the snubbing of The Lego Movie at the Academy Awards nominations.
People had begun to gather early in the afternoon when an ugly rumor spread that How to Train Your Dragon 2 had been nominated whereas The Lego Movie had been neglected entirely. An eyewitness told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
At first people were chanting wry stuff like ‘Everything is not f*cking Awesome’ and ‘Down with President Business’ when someone spotted a guy wearing a Big Hero 6 t-shirt and it all went crazy. Petrol bombs were thrown, windows broken, the police responded with tear gas and baton charges.
President Barack Obama was one of many voices calling for calm, but has also ordered the mobilization of the National Guard.
In his television address this evening, the President said:
I am calling on everyone to stay at home and maintain law and order. I know that it absolutely blows that Lord and Miller’s film wasn’t recognized. And for what? How to Train Your Dragon 2? But we must keep a sense of proportion. These are the Oscars. They really don’t matter that much, except to George Clooney and Leonardo diCaprio.
Chris Miller and Philip Lord both tweeted about their dissatisfaction but with trademark good humor. Neither of them have responded to accusations that they were the main instigators of the riots. Late last night Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly stated that:
The Lego Movie encourages civil unrest, portrays violent protest as legitimate with its frankly communist attack on our economic system and our need for social obedience. No wonder pinheads are fighting on the streets of Los Angeles.
The Oscars are a bunch of bullsh*t on February 22nd, 2015.
HOLLYWOOD – Mike Huckabee has left Fox News show Huckabee in order to formally join Texan rockers, ZZ Top.
The 44th Governor of Arkansas and Presidential candidate was rumored to be close to the band for years, but only announced his departure last week on a tearful episode of his popular Fox show Huckabee.
A spokesperson for Fox said:
We are delighted that Mike is moving on to new experiences. Although we have valued him as a voice of reason and compassion on the right, for many years it has been obvious that his heart has not really been in politics. For every show we do, he spends very little time reading the material and researching and much more time playing the bass guitar and occasionally the drums. Finally, he has decided to give up politics entirely and devote his time to touring with the hard rock outfit, ZZ Top.
Billy Gibbons, lead guitarist, vocalist and band leader, said that ZZ Top had been eyeing Huckabee for some time.
He’s a solid bottom line and I knew that he and Frank had occasionally been jamming. Dusty Hill was none too pleased, obviously and was quite rude about the idea, but then Frank broke his wrist, so we decided to get Mike to come in and play the drums until he’s better. We’ll see how it works out and then when Frank comes back we can maybe give Mike a shot at playing bass and Dusty can become a rhythm guitarist.
When Studio Exec had an opportunity to ask about Mike Huckabee’s political ambitions, which were rumored to include another candidacy for President, the musical ex-governor chuckled:
Oh Lord no. First off, politics is just too darned ornery and I ain’t about to spend my declining years arguing with a bunch of pipsqueaks about the ins and outs of legislation. Second up, I’ve always had a hankering after growing some facial herbage and right here’s my opportunity gorn darnit!
ZZ Top’s new album Don’t Want to Be President Anyway! will be released in 2015.
HOLLYWOOD – The media coverage of Robin Williams’ death has for the most part consisted of tributes to the phenomenal comic talent of what many remember as a genuinely nice man whose death represents a very sad, indeed tragic, episode, but for some cable news outlets excesses and idiocies are beginning to reach dangerous levels.
Throughout this week mental health charities such as the Samaritans and Mind have been careful to monitor the various reports and have publicized their concerns that the use of certain language and the focusing on particular details could in fact encourage people close to the edge to try to take their own lives.
Fox News alas … Fox News pay no heed to such namby-pamby complexities such as thinking about stuff. The unlikely named and faced Shepherd Smith refers to Williams as ‘a coward’ when he starts choking on his own emoting. The ensuing outrage brings forth an apology. Fox’s Gretchen Carlson tells us: ‘Some of these details are gruesome to listen to but that’s why we have here Dr. Michael Baden here now to take us through what happened.’Other cable news channels have provided similarly gruesome details and there appears to be no restraint or thoughtfulness. When the family ask for privacy don’t the media have some responsibility to weigh that against say any morbid curiosity their viewers might entertain? Is there really any need to go into such lavish detail when the facts of the case can be stated without pointless speculation? In an atmosphere when Williams’ daughter has been subjected to such abuse on social media that she is basically forced to flee it, can’t the mainstream media attempt to damp down pointless speculation rather than incite it?
Rush Limbaugh is an asshole, what he said about Williams is abhorrent, tasteless and crass, but he’s an asshole so there’s no point expecting him not to be one even momentarily. But it is the rest of the media who need to be attentive. We should all be aware that people on the edge are by definition in a precarious position and we all – but news organisations like Fox and CNN, especially – have a responsibility not to nudge, even inadvertently, those in such desperate straits.
By the way the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.