LIFE NOT LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES, TOM HANKS ADMITS

HOLLYWOOD – Today Tom Hanks was forced to admit that life was nothing ‘like a box of chocolates’, finally ending years of hopeless speculation.

Tom Hanks told the Studio Exec in an EXCLUSIVE interview this morning that life was NOT like a box of chocolates despite having claimed the contrary to millions of theater goers and making their lives a living hell as a consequence.

I think you’re exagerating a just a line in a movie and if you look at the movie it is quite clear that Forrest Gump is not being held up as some kind of expert.

Au Contraire! I think we was supposed to think of Gump as a Holy Fool who spoke truth to corrupt society.

That’s your interpretation but…

God damn it Hanks! It isn’t an interpretation, it’s the objective truth.

The objective truth? Now you listen to me Exec, there is no truth that’s as broad as the varied experience of lived existence, the splash of cold water, the running through the rain wet grass, the warmth of the sun on a baby’s face, bicycles, 747 jumbo jets, explosions on the Gaza strip. You can’t constrain that with your cold description and the narrowness of language.

So what are you saying then?

Life is not like a box of chocolates. Because when you get a box of chocolates you know you’re going to get chocolates. It’s internally incoherent. Life could have been described as like a box of chocolates if inside you could get things that weren’t chocolates. Fruit, little bits of stone, the foam of a breaking wave.

Tom, are you okay?

Jesus, this acid is strong.

Just let it break over you. Do you want some orange juice. Get some vitamin c. 

My blood sugar is low give me some candy.

Here. 

Wow. A box of chocolates. If you think about it life is, you know, like a box of chocolates.

Tom Hanks is in Bridge of Spies.

TOM HANKS DELIVERS THE MAIL THIS WEEK

HOLLYWOOD – If you live in Stockton City California, keep your eye out for Tom Hanks who will be delivering the mail all this week.

The Forrest Gump and Bridge of Spies star Tom Hanks will be delivering the mail this week in Stockton City, California as part of the Federal Celebrity Postal Initiative.

Postal worker, Tom Hanks popped round with a special delivery to the Studio Exec Bungalow to talk about it:

Ever since I found that student’s ID in the park I was initially pleased. And then afterwards I was really deflated. I felt like ‘Why can’t I do stuff that is useful instead of just pretending to be other people all the time?’ So when I heard about there being an opening in the Stockton Postal service I leaped at the chance to fill in.

So this isn’t a charity thing?

No, I mean I made that bit up because of my publicist and anyway I’m doing a week’s trial and we’ll see how it goes, but I’m pretty confident I can do the job. I mean how hard can it be? I hear they write the addresses on the outside of the letters so all you have to do is find the place and deliver the letter, or the parcel. I hope they don’t have dogs though.

Tom Hanks will be delivering mail all this week.

TOM HANKS RELEASES GUMP APP

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Hanks – star of Castaway, Saving Private Ryan and Philadelphia – is also an entrepreneur in the tech sector, developing and selling a brand new Gump App for both iPhone and Android Systems.

The beloved three time Oscar winner told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Jiminey Cricket but I’m excited. This App follows on from the old-fashioned typewriter app which was such a massive success for me. It’s based on the film I did with Robert Zemekis.

Polar Express?

Hell no! The one called Forrest Gump.

Can you tell us about the App?

Sure. What you do is you take any box of chocolates in the world, you pick a chocolate out of the box and then you hold it up to the camera in the phone, and the app identifies the chocolate immediately.

Wow!

Not only does it tell you if the chocolate is a caramel whirl or a strawberry truffle, it also tells you the ingredients, the country from which the chocolate came and how many people have picked it up and then put it back in the box again, for those who get finicky.

So life is…

…no longer like a box of chocolates. You will know what you’re going to get with GumpApp. God Darn it, you just thought up our advertising campaign!

The app – which is called GumpApp – is available from Google Play and the iStore. There is a free version as well as a Pro version which costs $1.49, and which takes away Sally Field’s annoying voice.

TOM HANKS KILLS YOUNG MEN

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Hanks kills young men.

First, it is with a sense of horror that Studio Exec types these words. But given the incontrovertible photographic evidence and our journalistic principles of only ever publishing FACT, we can do no other. Tom Hanks kills young men and then posts photographs of his crime on the internet.

The Forrest Gump and Captain Phillips star has been hiding in plain sight, it would appear, but motive as yet appears uncertain. The New York Times speculated that it is part of his Oscar campaign, utilizing what psychologists call ‘reverse psychology’, or more accurately ‘ygolohcysp’.

Others believe that anglophone Hanks is trying to ingratiate himself and possible join the British ex-pat exclusive murder club the Jolly Bastards, currently led by Tom Hiddleston.  

In the first photograph, Hanks feigns concern, having poisoned his victim in a wood-paneled den. In the second, however, Hanks abandons all pretense of humanity as the Angels and Demons star gloats over the corpse of the young man.

The Academy award winning actor denies killing the men, saying he lightly poisoned them and one of them has since regained the power of speech, although traumatized.

Saving Mr. Banks is currently in theaters. 

TOM HANKS PLACED UNDER HOUSE ARREST

HOLLYWOOD – The FBI have placed Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks under house arrest for what the agent in charge of the case is calling ‘his own protection.’

The President ordered the action late last night and Tom Hanks has been in lock down since the early hours of this morning.

A spokesperson for the FBI said that protective custody the President himself instructed them after a week of watching Tom Hanks films in the West Wing of the White House.

The agent stated:

The President first voiced concern after watching Castaway and Apollo 13 in a double bill. He said Mr. Hanks was a ‘danger to himself’, always finding it difficult to return home. The President’s estimation of Mr. Hanks had suffered severely after watching Forrest Gump and learning of Mr. Hanks’ involvement in the cow dung that was The Pacific. The Commander-in-Chief was almost enraged by The Terminal, muttering that Hanks ‘couldn’t even get out of an airport’. So it was with great anxiety and trepidation that we screened Captain Phillips, and sure enough… Well, I don’t want to spoil the film.

Gary Busey said that the move was understandable: ‘Hanks plays with fire. It’s his character. But he needs to be protected.’

Mr. Hanks will remain at home until he can prove that he is capable of leaving the house without being shipwrecked, kidnapped, going beyond the dark side of the moon or being shot in France.

Captain Phillips is currently winning the Oscars. 

TOM HANKS INTRODUCES FORREST HUMP TO STUNNED NATION

Forest Hump

NEW YORK – The new Tom Hanks rap alter ego “Forrest Hump” was introduced to the viewers of Good Morning America as he ranted and raged, swearing like a navvy who has just cut off his thumb. Sporting what he later described as a “Fuck you” moustache, Hanks made salacious comments about the TV presenter Elizabeth Vargas, who tried to distract him from his rap career by asking him about his role as an actor in Cloud Atlas. But Hanks just used that moment as an excuse to spray liquid profanity from his face hole, only pretending sarcastically to have made a mistake. “There’s going to be a seven second delay next time I’m on.”, he said, sniggering and groping his own groin.

Hanks behaviour has become increasingly unhinged since he launched himself into the rap world with his first Rap single as “Forrest Hump”, his foul mouthed libidinous alter ego.


Publicist Brian Ryan said, “This is a classic moment we publicists call the ‘Bergman pivot’. You change everyone’s perceptions of you in one fell swoop. Ingrid Bergman did it by running off with Italian film director, Roberto Rosselini, and Hanks has done it by potty mouthing Vargas on GMA.”

Read more about Hanks’ burgeoning music career by clicking here.

TOM HANKS RELEASES RAP ALBUM

HOLLYWOODTom Hanks follows in the footsteps of Will Smith, Sir Ian McKellen and Jamie Foxx in being the latest actor to try to make the crossover from cinema to music with the release of his album HANX A MILLION.

In a sudden change of direction, Forest Gump has loaded up with bling, surrounded himself with some big ass mommas and gone all pimp. Although famous for his roles as a white bread American hero in the style of Jimmy Stewart, Hanks has long lived a double life, mixing with Method Man and Eminem. The track list however does hint at his cinema work.

Tracks include: Pole Dancer Express, I’m gonna Forest Hump, Forest Hump ya!, Deserve this mother fucka! Cloud Asslas, Fill-a-Delphia (Then Fill Another One), and Big (You Betta Believe it).