FRANCIS COPPOLA REANIMATES BRANDO

EXCLUSIVE – Francis Coppola reanimates Brando for Megalopolis. Yesterday the film world was stunned with the announcement that Coppola is stumping up his own vineyard-earned dough to make his passion project, Megalopolis. What many do not know is that the director has reanimated the corpse of Marlon Brando to join the already, star studded cast. The Exec caught up with Coppola in San Francisco to discuss the revelations.

 

Francis, is it true that you are finally making Megalopolis?

Fucking A, that’s right bubba. I’m finally getting this bird off the ground. I got the script, I got the cast and I got the frickin’ money baby. Let’s light this fucking candle!

 

We understand you have a stellar cast lined up?

You betcha. We got Oscar Isaac, Forest Whitaker, Cate Blanchett, Jon Voight, Jessica Lange and my old buddy, James End-Of-Fucking-Tweet Caan.

 


Wow, that really is an all-star cast.

Yeah it’s ok, I guess, but it’s missing something. Know what I mean?

 

I really don’t. What could that list be missing?

Assholes. Someone who’s gonna cost millions of dollars a week to hire. An actor who’ll hold up production because they refuse to read the fucking script and I’ll have to read it to them. Someone that could out-asshole Val Kilmer. I’m talking Marlon Grando-Brando.

 

I guess, if that’s what you want. It’s a pity he’s dead.

Is he though?

 

Huh?

What if I told you that a certain someone had perfected that technology to reanimate a corpse? And a certain someone has gone and reanimated another certain difficult movie star’s corpse. He’s going to have a major supporting role in Megalopolis as an under-lit, overweight shadowy psychopath who grumbles and mumbles incoherent bullshit. It’s the good old days all over again.

 

Are you saying that you, Francis Coppola Reanimates Brando for Megalopolis?

Look, today’s movie stars are so shit scared of offending anyone or doing anything that could get them cancelled. We need some fucking cojones on this shoot. Smashed mirrors, bloodied fists, drug addled musings and some downright fucking bad behavior. We need headlines. That’s what gets people into theatres these days. Gone are the days of just shooting a great movie when you’re up against fucking Marvel. Look at the shit Marty still gets for saying the truth! We need Brando to fuck a ton of shit up. Look, relax. Have a glass of my wine. You can hardly taste the anti-freeze.

 

Yeah ok then. Salute!

 

Megalopolis Starts Shooting Next Year.

FOREST WHITAKER NOT AN ACTUAL FOREST, IT IS CONFIRMED

HOLLYWOOD – Arrival star Forest Whitaker is not actually a forest, it has been confirmed.

Star of such films as Bird, Ghost Dog and Species, Forest Whitaker has been around for many years. However, the actor has often been dogged with controversy, with rumors abounding that he is a small forest in New England.

Forest phoned the Studio Exec to EXCLUSIVELY respond to the accusations:

forest whitaker
A forest

I want to call and personally quash this bullshit that is going round. I’m not, nor have I ever been, a forest. I’m sick of it. A forest is a large collection of trees. I’m a black actor. Totally different things. You don’t see articles on the internet seriously asking if Steven Spielberg is actually a talking mountain in German.

Is he?

I don’t want to say.

I see. 

Look, people have names. Sometimes those names are similar to other words. It doesn’t make them those things.

So you’re not a forest?

No.

Arrival is in theaters currently.

5 FACTS WE LEARNED FROM ROGUE ONE TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – Following the trailer from Rogue One what do we know so far about the new Star Wars story?

We sent the Studio Exec FACT squad deep into the forest planet of Endor to bring us their best Rogue One FACTS. Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

1 It seems to have something to do with Star Wars, but there’s still no sign of Captain Kirk.

2 There’s a girl in it. Yeah. A. Girl!

3 Darth Vader will appear in the new film but will perhaps be turned to the good side of the Force before quickly switching back to the dark side right at the end.

4 Ben Mendelson is cast against type playing the honorable and heroic…. nah we’re shitting you. He’s a villain again.

5 Forest Whitaker needs a lozenge.

For more FACTs CLICK HERE.

5 FACTS WE LEARNED FROM ROGUE ONE TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – The new trailer for Star Wars: Rogue One has hit the internets and we have learned five FACTS and five FACTS alone.

Many Bothans died so that they could bring you these FACTS:

1. Aggravated assault is a crime a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.

2. Ben Mendelsohn is playing Ian McEwan in the X-Men movies. Felicity Jones is playing Katniss Ever-rebel. Forest Whitaker is playing Grumpy Grump-Face.

3. The Butler from the White House is a really pessimistic soldier. ‘What will you do when they catch you? What will you do when they break you?’ Jesus Christ! Nice pep talk Bird. How about don’t get caught? How about: kick some ass out there? Do some aggravated assault!?

4. Even though this is a prequel, the word prequel has become so toxic in the Star Wars marketing universe that it has been replaced by the much more exciting word ‘story’.

5.  There is another Death Star! Okay, I know it’s a prequel… sorry, a story, a story. I mean a story. But I do hope this is the last time we see the Death Star or the Star Killer or whatever else. I mean they surely won’t make another one will they? The insurance premiums alone…!

For more FACTS click HERE.

SOUTHPAW – REVIEW

SOUTHPAW – REVIEW: Rocky 5 without the intellectual heft: Donnie Darko punches people, but when his True Detective Season 2 wife is killed Donnie feels like the Prince of Persia and needs the Ghost Dog Butler to help him buck his ideas up.

Boxing movies are weird because essentially boxing is one of those things which is chronically dull and violent, outside of the movie theater. With the one exception that proves the rule – Muhammad Ali – boxers are generally nasty pieces of work without the wit or will to say anything interesting. Jake Gyllenhaal plays Billy (The Great White) Hope, a light heavy weight fighter who is at the top of his game but with the encouragement of his wife Maureen (Rachel McAdams) has one eye on the door before he gets his ticket to Palookaville. They have a little daughter who is just lovely.

When his wife gets killed in a confusing and weird scene, Billy goes to pieces, loses everything including his mansion and daughter and must start once more from the bottom. He goes to an old gym where he finds old trainer Tick Wills (Forest Whitaker) and begins his arduous climb back to the big time.

Gyllenhaal, it has to be said, is excellent, but one wishes that Antoine Fuqua (nominative determinism anyone?) had put as much dedication into the picture as his lead. Fuqua loves his aerial shots of a city at night and he uses them with televisual regularity. The fights are well done but the story is so predictable as to be almost infuriating. The manager played by 50 Cent is so worthless that one of the other characters predicts his worthlessness a good twenty minutes before it proves to be so. The villainous fighter is an actual villain. Even Rocky had the good sense to see that Apollo Creed’s villainy was pantomime and to deconstruct it into a gay love affair by Rocky III. Nope, Billy’s Columbian rival Escobar (Jesus!) is as slimy as his namesake, with a skanky missus (Rita Ora) to boot and everything is strictly by the numbers. We have the training session, the inspired youngster, the trainer’s grumpiness acceding to respect and a seriousness of tone, totally out of keeping with the thin fare on offer.

There are more good boxing movies than there are good boxing matches – check out John Huston’s Fat City – but rather than light heavy weight, Southpaw is more bantam.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

GRUMPY OLD MEN REBOOT: FIRST LOOK

HOLLYWOOD – The new re-imagining of the Jack Lemmon/Walter Matthau classic Grumpy Old Men gets its first poster featuring stars Liam Neeson and Denzel Washington.

Famous for their more serious dramatic/action roles in films such as Malcolm X and Taken, Liam Neeson and Denzel Washington both expressed their delight at being involved in the Grumpy Old Men remake.

They spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec.

So what attracted you to the project?

Liam Neeson: We’ve both done remakes in the past. I’ve done The A-Team and Denzel did The Equalizer and…

Denzel Washington: The Taking of Pelham 123.

LN: Right. But we don’t get much opportunity to do comedy. People look at us killing people in our films and they don’t connect that with comedy for some reason.

DW: Cameron Crowe has been trying to get a remake of the film off the ground for years and the script has been circulating. I was looking for something to do with Liam because I’ve admired him as an actor ever since I saw Krull.

LN: For me, I became a big Denzel fan after watching Ricochet. That was one hell of a movie. I pointed at the screen and said ‘I want to do that’.

How did you divide the roles?

DW: Liam was already attached to play John Gufstafson, which was Lemmon’s role. But that was perfect for me because I’ve always seen myself more as a Walter Matthau man. I’ve got the same hangdog looks.  So I took to the role of Max really well.

LN: When I was re-watching the original I noticed that John was kind of a handy man and I thought, I too have a particular set of skills. And so that made my mind up really.

How will the new film differ from the old film?

DW: No one wants to see a carbon copy. What’s the point of that?

LN: Right. In the original, John and Max are both basically bitter old men arguing about the affections of an attractive neighbor Ariel. They spy on each other and try to sabotage each other’s plans.

DW: In our version I’m ex-CIA.

LN: And I’m ex-Secret Service.

DW: And we both love Ariel, playing by Melanie Griffith.

LN: But terrorists have kidnapped her.

DW: We need to forget our differences and team up to kill the terrorists, evade the police commanded (as ever) by Forest Whitaker and save Ariel.

Wow. It doesn’t sound like a funny premise.

LN: Funny? Why on earth would it have to be funny?

Because it’s a comedy.

DW: Comedies don’t have to be funny.

LN: Look at This Means War.

Yes, but...

DW: Or anything with Vince Vaughn in.

LN: He’s made hundreds of comedies and not once have I laughed.

DW: Good point Liam.

LN: Thanks Denzel.

Grumpy Old Men will be in cinemas in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor

SPIKE LEE ATTACKS LEE DANIELS’ THE BUTLER

HOLLYWOOD – Today, Spike Lee launched a scathing attack on Oprah Winfrey and Lee Daniels for their new film, Lee Daniels’ The Butler, which stars Forest Whitaker as a butler who works for a succession of eight Presidents, living through the turbulence of the Vietnam war and the Civil Rights movement.

The Malcolm X director fumed: “He just picks stuff up.”

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Lee yelled:

Lee Daniels’ The Butler kisses butt when it should kick butt. Forest Whitaker just stands around doing stuff for a bunch of white folk in the White House. There are no alien invasions, no asteroids hurtling towards the Earth and no terrorists kidnapping the President, who should be Morgan Freeman by the way. You can be sure as shit if Whitaker was Steven Seagal or Bruce Willis he’d spend more time kicking ass and less time picking stuff up, or just standing there.  

Equally outraged was black activist Carrie Fisher, who wrote in her blog Something Fishery:

Lee Daniels’ The Butler‘s bullshit. We see the White House and we’re waiting. Whitaker turns up to do an ordinary job, a servant’s job basically, but we think he’s probably ex-Special Forces. It’s tense. We wait. One president, nothing, then two presidents. What the fuck? Three presidents, four? In the end there are eight Goddam presidents and not one time does the White House get infiltrated by terrorists. Not once. Or blown up by an asteroid. It’s bullshit.   

Harvey Weinstein, whose Weinstein Company produced the film, issued the following statement: 

We were expecting a lot more from Lee Daniels’ The Butler. Frankly we were misled. Once Lee Daniels said that Lee Daniels’ The Butler was set in the White House there were three ways it could go: asteroid, terrorists, or the President’s dog. I’m sad to say that Lee Daniel’s The Butler falls down on all three counts. We shall be seeking legal compensation. 

Lee Daniels’ The Butler 2: With Terrorists will be released in 2015.