HOLLYWOOD – JJ Abrams is to remake Japan, the country.
Star Trek, Force Awakens and Lost director JJ Abrams announced his project to remake the country of Japan.
It is going to be phenomenal. We’re going to take the whole country and repopulate it with Emma Stone, Scarlett Johansson and Channing Tatum.
The news came soon after the announcement of Abrams’ other project: a live action remake of Anime Your Name. With concerns about white washing Asian characters still very much alive the Studio Exec asked Abrams how he would address concerns:
Oh yeah. We’ve thought about that. You see Japan as it exists today is full of Asian people because of where it is. But we’re going to remake it just off the coast of San Francisco and so that problem just goes away. The story of Japan is just so universal. We don’t need to worry about this or that cultural norm because isn’t everything really about white people anyway?
Japan will be available in the Pacific Ocean from January.
HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas announced that he is remaking Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace.
When George Lucas sold the rights to Star Wars, he inserted a secret clause written in lemon juice so no one could read it. This clause reserves the rights of any remake of his Star Wars prequels to Mr. Lucas himself. Today he announced that he would be pursuing this opportunity and remaking the first of the much maligned Star Wars prequels.
I’ve sat out some of the movies and it hasn’t felt good. I wanted to make my own little art house movies but that lasted about a week. Now I want to get back on the Jedi Knight saddle and try again.
Why Phantom Menace?
I got the idea from watching The Force Awakens. It occurred to me that if they can just remake A New Hope why can’t I have another stab at The Phantom Menace.
But why the Phantom Menace?
I think that I got it wrong. In the past I’ve been resistant to criticism but I have had time to look at my mistakes and work out what went wrong. I asked myself if I got the chance to do it again what would I change. Number one, more humor. Two, more Jar Jar Binks. Number three, more woohoo and woops from Anakin.
But why the Phantom Menace?
I just… didn’t I just answer that.
Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace Awakens will be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – The new Ken Loach movie I, Daniel Blake criticized for lack of car chases.
It might have won the Palme d’Or at Canne this year, but the new Ken Loach film I, Daniel Blake has come under fire for its lack of car chases. English film critic Barrymore Barrymore took the film to task in a review published in The Daily Mail:
It’s all very well showing the shortcomings of the social welfare system, etc. the plight of the working class etc. the hardship of a single parent family etc. but there are so few car chases that it’s almost embarrassing. How is the British film industry supposed to compete with the US and the Fast and Furious series, when our filmmakers can only make movies about bald men looking for work.
Loach has been criticized in the past about the lack of exciting car chases in his movies and the fact that his films almost never have space ships. Barrymore Barrymore goes on to say:
No spaceships, no space stations, no death rays, no laser guns. There’s no mention of the Force and we don’t even get a glimpse of Chewbacca. Come on Ken! Try again.
Ken Loach apologized and promised to try harder with his next film.
I, Daniel Blake is in theaters this month.
HOLLYWOOD – In news that totally blindsided the internet yesterday it was announced that beloved Disney classic Mary Poppins would have a sequel, provisionally entitled Mary Poppins Returns.
It came out of a blue sky, a missile with an umbrella and a big bag full of an unbelievable amount of consternation. Mary Poppins Returns is actually going to happen and people lost their shit! Across Social Media the keening sound that Arab women make when mourning could be heard echoing across old London town. ‘It’s unbelievable,’ one irate blogger wrote.
How can Disney do this? Everyone knows that Mary Poppins is a unique story beloved of generations. Why ruin everything with an unnecessary, money grabbing sequel?
The shock was felt all the more keenly because Disney have never done such a thing in the past. Of course, there has been Aladdin 2: Jafar’s Revenge, Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride, The Rescuers Down Under, The Lion King 1 and a half, The Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea, Bambi 2, Tarzan and Jane, Pocahontas 2: Journey to the New World, The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2, Cinderella 2 and 3, 101 Dalmatians 2: Patch’s London Adventure, The Fox and the Hound 2, Kronk’s New Groove and so on. And that’s not to mention the Pixar sequels and Star Wars: the Force Awakens and so on and so forth. And it can’t be done well obviously as was proven by the recent live action remake of The Jungle Book which was critically
lambasted oops sorry lauded. Of course, what really hurts is that this is taking a property from the writer PL Travers (played by Emma Thompson) that was unique and special and one of a kind. Along with the other seven books that she wrote in the series!
Emily Blunt will play Mary Poppins.
Mary Poppins Returns will be released in December, 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas today spoke of how it would ‘not be entirely impossible’ for a future Star Wars – Indiana Jones crossover movie.
George Lucas walked into the Studio Exec bungalow like a man reborn. He grabbed a handful of peanut M&Ms from the courtesy bowl threw them high up in the air and then let them cascade onto his silver hair and beard catching a couple in his gaping maw. He settled himself on the Exec couch of truth and put his feet up on the coffee table and proffered a broad grin:
I’m very happy. Things are going well. Star Wars: The Force Awakens was a great hit and I’m delighted with that and now Steven Spielberg is busy with the next big project: the new Indiana Jones movie. Harrison Ford is very excited by some of my ideas.
What brought him around?
Well, he was a little upset by the fact that as far as Star Wars is concerned he’s pretty much out of the picture. He was wooed by the idea that he would feature in the young Han Solo spin off but the sad fact is that he is too old to play the young Han Solo, but no one got round to telling Harrison that. So he was pissed. That was what made him change his mind on the Indiana Jones idea. But then I went one further and suggested that maybe there was a way of combining the two.
You mean Star Wars and Indiana Jones.
Look, they both come from the same source of inspiration: Saturday morning serials. One is Flash Gordon and the other is more Tarzan, or Rocketman, or some such. But they’re cut from the same cloth so why wouldn’t they be able to crossover? We’ve got a Batman v Superman film coming up after all.
What was Steven Spielberg’s view of this?
I didn’t think he was incredibly happy. He sort of said, ‘Oh George’ the way he does. But the fact of the matter is, he said that about the aliens in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and in the end he filmed my idea.
How would it even work?
Well, Star Wars has always been set in a Galaxy Far Far Away (copyright Disney Studios). But they do have space ships and as those space ships fly faster than the speed of light that means they also have time travel. Plus Indiana Jones in the last film discovered multi-dimensional beings. What if those beings came back and asked for Indiana Jones’ help defeating the First Order? It wouldn’t be that much of a stretch would it?
Is Shia LaBeouf returning?
Jesus Christ, Exec. I’m not completely f*cking nuts!
HOLLYWOOD – What was on the menu at the Oscar Luncheon yesterday? Find out.
The Beverly Hills Hilton was packed yesterday with actors, directors and studio execs was everyone pretended to like each other while secretly wishing that their rivals would do something to greatly upset a Mexican drug cartel or an effective terrorist organisation, or a foreign power with no scruples about targeted assassination. The occasion was the Oscar Luncheon that is traditionally served before the actually awarding of the Academy awards (also known as Oscars) at some point in February, we can never remember.
But what did the stars eat? Top chef Alain Pitioise has four Michelin tires and a degree in Home Economics from the Further Education College in Dijon, France – home of mustard. He was among the waiting staff and was able to sample the food and even improve it with some of what he obliquely refers to as ‘his special sauce’.
Antipasti – Lightly shaved dolphin flakes, on a bed of brown rice placed inside German pastry crowns and drizzled in blood from a three year old girl.
First Course – A choice of free range risotto with chopped kale and lightly mocked partridge – or – curly freedom fries and a disproportionate response burger beaten by Chris Brown and delivered by drone.
Second Course – Braised tiger, released live into the luncheon room and hunted and killed by a team of top dentists and then served on the tips of flaming swords – to continue the Force Awakens theme.
Sweet – Peanut M&Ms lightly grilled, and served on bifurcated Oreos – ‘Here the chef has gone somewhere towards highlighting the problem of diversity in this year’s Oscars with a lightly satirical take on the whole OscarsSoWhite scandal. Very sweet, with notes of carcinogenic additives.’
Light white wine was served chilled by the hearts of the Koch brothers.
HOLLYWOOD – The Galactic Empire – AKA the First Order – has revealed plans to build ‘just one more Death Star’ in the hope that this time it will survive more than a week.
A planet destroying battle station is a powerful weapon indeed, and the Galactic Empire have spent trillions of dollars building three versions. The first one was destroyed almost forty years ago by the Rebel Alliance when a previously unsuspected Exhaust Port proved a complete liability. Death Star expert Xavier Poulis told the Studio Exec:
There was a lot of finger pointing when the first Death Star was blown up but really no one could see that coming and a battle station which is the size of a small moon needs somewhere to vent. You can’t just seal it hermetically and hope for the best. Yes, in retrospect a kind of shell or net would have been a good idea, but seriously we thought people would be so scared they’d be too busy flying in the other direction.
The second Death Star wasn’t even constructed when it too was destroyed. Poulis again:
Here I don’t think anyone per se was to blame. The Emperor had pushed ahead on the weapons front so that it was fully operational, meaning it could fire its weapons. But it wasn’t yet completely built. Ironically the exhaust port was covered in armor this time and guarded with massive cannons. But as the shell of the station hadn’t been completed the Rebel ships could just fly right in and blow up the power core with not much ado.
The third battle station was the giant Star Killer. General Hux spoke to the Studio Exec about this station:
We’re still pretty gutted about the Star Killer. Honestly I thought we’d covered our bases. First of all we established it on a planet so we cut down significantly on construction and labor costs. And because now we are an environmentally conscious Galactic Empire we used solar energy as our power source. No more dirty nuclear waste. When we blow up planets now, we do so cleanly and responsibly. So when the rebels once more managed to find a way to destroy we were all very, very upset. Many people think the First Order don’t have feelings, but I can tell you that ruined a lot of people’s Christmases. Lord Snoke tried to get everyone to cheer up doing Wookie impersonations but it was more sad than it was funny.
And yet you plan to build another one.
We’re going to try one last time. The thing is when we do get it right the results are amazing. Just ask anyone who was on Alderaan. Or don’t! Ha ha ha. So is it a risk? Yes, but the Galactic Empire is all about living on the risk. Thinking outside of the box. What do they expect us to do having destroyed three of our battle stations already? Not build another obviously. But then we don’t do that. I read the Steve Jobs biography over the new Year to cheer me up and I think his do the unexpected philosophy ‘Think different’ is very much aligned with what we’re trying to do. Look, we call ourselves the First Order, even though it’s obvious we’re the second. That’s all you need to know.
The Death Star 4 will be open for business sometime in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars: The Force Awakens will make money, it has been revealed.
Figures released following the opening of the seventh installment of Star Wars, directed by J.J. Abrams seem to indicate that the film will make a profit and not lose money as was feared. Although the film cost more than you could ever raise even if you sold your house, your family, the houses of everyone you know, all their families, their houses, and their cars, and if you put all the money you all earned and all the people within a ten mile radius of where you live in a pot it still wouldn’t pay for the catering. Despite that, it still looks likely that the latest film in the Science Fiction/Fantasy Space Opera will still somehow make coin.
Film expert Colin Efferman told the Studio Exec:
This is a weird thing. It’s almost as if lots of people buying lots of tickets has actually made more than the cost of making, distributing and advertising a film. I didn’t think there were that many people in the world bu I guess I didn’t count Belgium.
Variety and IMDb both said in unison: ‘We simply didn’t know there was that much money in the world. I guess they found some more.’
The money that Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be used to feed children without food, house the homeless, promote schemes to stop climate change and preserve the natural environment, promote peace and education in parts of the world where war has torn horrible wounds and generally promote peace and joy, goodness and justice throughout the world, via Disney. However, there is also the possibility that they will simply use the money to buy Harry Potter.
For more on Star Wars, CLICK HERE.
HOLLYWOOD – Star of Sin City: A Dame to Kill For and 50/50, Joseph Gordon-Levitt turned up to the Star Wars: Force Awakens première in Los Angeles tonight, dressed like a Muppet.
In some sad sack Cosplay attempt, Joseph Gordon-Levitt turned up to the first screening of Star Wars: The Force Awakens dressed in his pyjamas and with his face green and some home-made ears. A stormtrooper standing by told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
I really liked Looper, but today Joseph Gordon Levitt was a sad embarrassment to the very serious business of Cosplay. We dedicate our time and energy to getting our costumes precisely accurate, but Levitt turns up and the asshole’s got the wrong movie.
Cheers and Hunger Games star, Woody Harrelson defended the actor saying, ‘Maybe he thought Kermit was in the picture.’ But everyone knows that Harrelson is always high so an endorsement from his mouth is almost worse than nothing. When asked what on earth he was thinking turning up to a Star Wars event dressed as a Muppet, Gordon-Levitt laughed it off:
Right, Muppet! Fantastic. After four hundred years so Kermity you will be. Ha ha!
Everyone agreed that it made no sense whatsoever. Noted linguist Noam Chomsky posted a video on YouTube criticizing Gordon-Levitt’s syntax. ‘It’s all wrong,’ he concluded.
Could this be the end of Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s career?
Use the comment box below to tell us what you think.
To read our Star Wars: The Force Awakens SPOILER FREE review CLICK HERE!
HOLLYWOOD – The new international trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens is over ninety minutes long and features tons of new footage.
The new international trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens dropped on the internet today via Japan. It is ninety minutes long and features entire scenes and much of the story. So far was have had character poster (CLICK HERE) and a shorter trailer from which we already learned 117 things (CLICK HERE).
The new trailer features Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Daisy Ridley, and John Boyega, but still no Mark Hamill and no Hayden Christensen as yet. J.J. Abrams spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the new international trailer:
We began with teasers and just glimpses and everyone got really excited so then we decided to give you basically two thirds of the film. With mainly got music on it and a few other things, but this way there’s only going to be about half an hour of stuff you haven’t seen. It’s going to be marvelous.
HOLLYWOOD – The new Star Wars The Force Awakens trailer hit last night and we have been studying rigorously all night.
The Studio Exec FACT squad felt a disturbance in the Force, when the Force Awakens Trailer hit last night, but we’ve managed to build an alliance of FACTS.
Here they are:
- Harrison Ford is in it, probably playing ‘Han Solo’.
- He is accompanied by a hairy character, perhaps this could be the same Chewbacca who featured in Episodes IV to VI, including Episode V.
- Jedi Knights are mentioned.
- There’s a robot.
- Finn (John Boyega)is a stormtrooper.
- Tatooine features.
- And perhaps Hoth.
- But not Alderan.
- A girl dresses as ET.
- Star Wars: The Force Awakens is the title of the film.
- It is coming out in December of this year. That is to say 2015.
- Carrie Fisher is in the new film.
- She is probably playing Princess Leia.
- There will be space ships.
- One of those spaceships looks likely to be The Millennium Falcon.
- Han Solo might be flying the Millennium Falcon, though it is difficult to tell.
- There is a light saber.
- And another.
- Tie Fighters are also visible in the trailer.
- No Jar Jar Binks (yet).
- Star Destroyers are great sources for scrap metal.
- Daisy Ridley plays a girl.
- Kylo Ren wears a hat.
- Darth Vader’s mask put in an appearance.
- Shoes will appear in an important subplot.
- Han Solo gets captured.
- Princess Leia cries.
- Not because Han Solo gets captured.
- Because Han Solo is holding her while she cries, so that can’t be why.
- No Luke Skywalker.
- Unless that was him.
- Chew bacca gets captured.
- Han Solo and Chewbacca gets captured.
- Llewyn Davis doesn’t play the guitar.
- He is flying an x-wing.
- There are x-wings.
- More robots.
- There are so many call backs to other Star Wars movies than this could be another JJ Abrams quote-a-thon.
- Stormtroopers appear.
- There is a shiny stormtrooper.
- Jedi knights and the dark side of the Force have been forgotten.
- Han Solo remembers though.
- He puts his hands up when he is captured.
- One of the spaceships blows up.
- Maybe more than one.
- There’s a blue light saber.
- And a red one.
- No sign of Wedge Antilles.
- Or Lando Calrissian.
- Ewan MacGregor isn’t in it.
- Or Alec Guinness.
- John Williams has done the music but not written any new tunes.
- Laser guns, or blasters, will also feature.
- Lucasfilm still exists apparently.
- Alec Guinness apparently couldn’t even be bothered to return JJ Abrams’ calls.
- Sam Peckinpah is not directing it.
- Trailers still exist.
- Bad people are growly.
- Bad people say things like ‘There will be no one to stop us this time’ or something.
- Fascism is popular in the future.
- That band that Jabba the Hutt liked are not playing any more.
- Don Johnson is probably not in it.
- There’s 96% chance of lense flare.
- Carrie Fisher will not be wearing the golden bikini.
- Nobody asked Ewan McGregor to return.
- Because Ewan McGregor returning would mess with the time-line.
- But even if it didn’t, nobody would ask Ewan McGregor to return.
- Hayden Christensen was on the catering staff.
- He makes a mean cup of coffee, but a surprisingly weak cup of tea.
- John Boyega is black, I mean African-American. Except he’s English.
- He’s African-English.
- Which doesn’t sound right.
- Nobody eats meals in space.
- Or goes to the bathroom.
- Or swears.
- Or has sex.
- With their own kind or another species.
- Which must happen.
- It’s a liberal universe.
- Tom Hanks might be in it.
- But not Kevin James.
- The movie is an obvious allegory for Scientology.
- And a feminist demonization of the patriarchal society.
- And Gamer Gate.
- There’s a limited chance of full frontal nudity.
- Unless you count Chewbacca.
- Han Solo is a complete rip-off of Starlord from Guardians of the Galaxy.
- It’s going to end of on a cliff-hanger which might involve one of the characters actually hanging off a cliff.
- There will be a sequel which J.J Abrams will describe as being ‘Darker than the first.’
- There will be a surprise revelation about somebody being related to someone but you’d already guessed it.
- George Lucas will claim he “Hasn’t seen” the trailer.
- George Lucas will say he’s not even talked to anyone who has seen it.
- Tonight George Lucas will dry sob into his pillow.
- Filled with money.
- On a bed.
- Made of money.
- Space will appear.
- This is the first Star Wars film to have Stars and Wars in the same picture.
- Except for all the others.
- Empire Strikes Back will still be the best Star Wars film.
- Follow by Return of the Jedi.
- And then Attack of the Clones.
- Then Star Wars.
- Wait I got that in the wrong order.
- I don’t have an iPhone 6.
- Eating beans are good for the heart, though the more you eat them, the more you fart.
- Will anyone actually read down to the bottom of this list?
- This is not the most ridiculous lists of things we have learned from the Force Awakens trailer.
- It’s only a f*cking film.
- But still it is exciting.
- Shit, I didn’t mention R2D2.
- Or C3PO.
- Luke Skywalker is everyone’s father.
Star Wars The Force Awakens will be released on December 18th, 2015.
HOLLYWOOD – A new Star Wars: The Force Awakens poster has been released to allay fears that an iconic figure from the series might be absent from the film altogether.
With the release of the first official The Force Awakens poster yesterday, the reaction was instantaneous and unanimous -as if a million voices had cried out in pain and had been silenced: where’s Jar Jar Binks? Such was the furor with even President Obama tweeting his disappointment that Disney took the unprecedented move of releasing a revised poster.
Film director J.J. Abrams issued a statement with the new poster:
We had perhaps tried to be too clever. We wanted to tease Jar Jar but then the idea came to not have him there at all and build up tension. But we got so much blow back from it, the risk was this was going to overshadow the release. There were some fans who were even talking of organizing a boycott of the film and we’re making it for the fans, so that would be the worst possible outcome.
Jar Jar, however, is not the only noticeable absence. Stills have already shown that Hayden Christensen has got a prominent role in the new film, but his absence from the poster has caused speculation that he might only appear in flashback. Likewise, lead character Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) is also a notable absentee.
‘Oh he dies in like the first six minutes,’ Abrams reassured us. ‘Erm, spoiler, maybe!?’
Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be released December 18th, 2015.
Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.
HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens official poster has been released but the question on everyone’s lip is ‘Where is Jar Jar?’
The most anticipated film of 2015 Star Wars: The Force Awakens got its official poster today, but the reaction has been one of shock and confusion. ‘Where’s Jar Jar?’ tweeted President Barack Obama. And he wasn’t the only one expressing shock and outrage. Writer and director of previous Star Wars hits, George Lucas posted an entry on his blog THX 1139:
I can’t believe Jar Jar Binks does not feature prominently on the poster for the Force Awakens. Jar Jar is Star Wars – the spirit and the reality. I can’t for a second imagine a Star Wars movie without everyone’s favorite Gungan. Disney have f*cked up and that J.J. Abrams… I don’t have words. Except scum and villany perhaps.
However, some believe that it is a clever part of the publicity. Star Wars fanzine writer Billy Nomants told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
It is obvious that JJ Abrams and Kathleen Kennedy know how important Jar Jar is to every fan and they would never drop the ball like this. I am absolutely sure that they have left him off the poster as a tease, a way of building up our excitement to extraordinary levels. Come December 18th we’ll be there and Jar Jar will as well I’m sure otherwise, we’d have to say ‘How wude!’
Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be in cinemas from December 18th.
HOLLYWOOD – Former Star Wars actor Hayden Christensen will not only appear in Star Wars: Episode 7: The Force Awakens, but will also star in spin off movie Rogue One.
Hayden Christensen – the star of Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith – will appear in Gareth Edwards’ anthology Star Wars movie Rogue One, it was revealed today. Although very little is known about the movie, beyond the basic concept, Hayden Christensen’s participation came as a complete surprise. Hayden Christensen will join the cast which includes Felicity Jones, Ben Mendelsohn and Diego Luna in a space opera epic which relates the stealing of the plans of the Empire’s new planet destroying battle station: the Death Star.
The Studio Exec had the opportunity to talk to Gareth Edwards at the bathrooms of the Disney D23 conference at Anaheim this weekend.
The Godzilla director said:
Morning one, Hayden turns up and says J.J. sent him. I was quite nervous but I couldn’t send him back. I mean I couldn’t risk alienating anyone. Not after what happened with Josh Trank.
Does he play Anakin Skywalker?
No. You see, there wasn’t actually a role for him, but he would just sneak into the background of the scenes and try to strangle people with his mind grip.
That can’t have been fun.
No, but in the cafeteria one day, Forest Whitaker was choking on a taco and Hayden freed his airway with a mind Heimlich maneuver. So he was very popular after that.
Hayden Christensen will also appear in The Force Awakens, as reported earlier this weekend.
Star Wars: Rogue One will be released in December, 2016.
Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.