EXTREME VEGETARIAN KEVIN BACON CHANGES NAME TO KEVIN KALE

HOLLYWOOD – Kevin Bacon has changed his name to Kevin Kale.

Vegetarian activist and Cop Car actor Kevin Bacon will henceforth be known as Kevin Kale. He came into the Studio Exec Bungalow and spoke to the Studio Exec about this frankly nutso decision:

You know me Exec. I’ve been a vegetarian how many years. And this is both an ethical decision and an environmental one. In my life I practice ethical living as much as possible. I object to the slaughter of millions of innocent animals for our nutrition when so many alternatives are available which involve no suffering. And have far less impact on the environment. But then I walk around with a name that means basically Kevin Pig Murder.

Okay, but Kale?

What’s wrong with Kale?

Everything.

Okay I hear you. But you know what it’s like in Hollywood man. We had to focus group a bunch of names. Kevin Cauliflower, Kevin Turnip, Kevin Tomato, Kevin Radish. They all sounded ridiculous.

Yeah, but Kale?

Forget Kale.

Are you going to retrospectively change your credits?

Yes. Tremors starring Kevin Kale, Footloose starring Kevin Kale. Etc.

I Love Kale starts on Showtime this Fall.

KENNY LOGGINS REACTS TO BOB DYLAN NOBEL PRIZE

HOLLYWOOD – Kenny Loggins has reacted to Bob Dylan’s winning of the Nobel Prize for Literature.

Famed American singer-songwriter Kenny Loggins today reacted to Bob Dylan winning the Nobel Prize for Literature:

I don’t get it. Did I fall asleep and miss something? I’m not doubting that Mr. Dylan had his fifteen minutes in the 60s, but there are others in the music industry who I believe are more deserving of the honor.

Really? Who?

I’m not going to start naming names but I would say how many songs has Dylan written for Caddyshack? There’s a question for one. And Top Gun for that matter? The Danger Zone was number one in Japan. Did you know that?

But Dylan is being recognized for his lyric writing.

Are you kidding me? Do you even know how hard it is to rhyme something with Please? Luckily I came up with Louise and knees, otherwise I would have been in deep shit. And as for social commentary, listen to this: [Singing]

I’ve been working so hard
I’m punching my card
Eight hours for what?
Oh, tell me what I got
I’ve got this feeling
That time’s just holding me down
I’ll hit the ceiling or else
I’ll tear up this town

That’s great, I just think that…

Now I gotta cut loose
Footloose, kick off the Sunday shoes
Please, Louise, pull me off of my knees
Jack, get back, come on before we crack
Lose your blues, everybody cut footloose!!!

Kenny Loggins new album Power Rangers will be released in January, 2017.

KEVIN BACON ACCIDENTALLY SEPARATED BY 6 DEGREES

HOLLYWOOD – News is coming in that Kevin Bacon – star of Flashdance and The Following – has separated by six degrees.

The incident happened in the early hours of this morning as Mr. Bacon and his party were leaving Chez Dave, a popular Anglo-Russian restaurant owned by Ryan Gosling where potato-themed dishes are bought via bartering with American cigarettes and Belgian chocolate.  An eyewitness said, ‘Bacon was just walking normally and then suddenly he just kind of split. A part of him just peeled off and the weird thing was, as well as there being blood, there was this strange purple sand that just fell out of him.’

Doctors at the Cedar-Sinai Medical Center were quick to reassure tearful fans that Bacon was out of danger. A spokesman for the Medical Center said:

Mr. Bacon is currently resting after the incident. He is obviously in some discomfort, having effectively come apart in a way that even I, as a medical man, would describe as rank, but we’ve stapled him and given him some painkillers, and he is currently in a stable condition. This is not the first time this has happened.

Avid Bacon watchers were only partially reassured by the diagnosis. Sepp Beaster commented from a trailer park just off the interstate:

Kev has separated five times in the last twenty years, but what makes this last one significant is that previously there have always been six degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon, but this time, it’s seven. So we’re going to have to rename the game and hope that Kevvy doesn’t go any further.

 The maximum someone can separate according to Wikipedia is nine, so let’s hope Mr. Bacon can hold it together.

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