MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY TO BOX STARVING AFRICANS FOR CHARITY

HOLLYWOOD – Man of the moment, star of True Detective, Mud and The Dallas Buyer’s Club, Matthew McConaughey has announced he is going to box starving Africans in order to raise money for cat shelter charity called Purr-fect.

The Fool’s Gold star said:

Many’s the time I’ve been walking the streets of this here glorious nation, and of a sudden I see one of my little feline friends, eye a little weepy, leg a mite lame, and I’ve thought to myself if only there were homes for these little fellas. Goes a ways to making things right with the world. And then I discovered the Purr-Fect cat shelter. But they didn’t have much money and so I was talking to my good compadre George Clooney and he was going on and on about the Sudan and then it hit me like a bolt of clever. What if I boxed starving Africans for charity and we gave the money to the cats?

 But wouldn’t that be a terrible idea?

You are not the first to bring forth reservations. The way I see it a starving African doesn’t stand much of a chance against a red bloody Texican like me. So I’m willing to up the ante and fight three at a time – five tops. I’ll do anything for those doggone pussies. 

Where, when and how?

Early next year. The first bout will take place in Darfur. We’ll see how many Africans we can wrassle up. Despite his reservations, George seems mighty fired up now and is doing everything to expedite my voyage into the interior. In fact I wonder if he might have a dog in the fight. In  a manner of speaking. Har-har!

Matthew McConaughey Boxes Starving Africans for Cat Aid will be broadcast on HBO January 2016.  

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 28. MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

HOLLYWOOD – Oscar winner, Rust Cole and former Fool’s Gold fool, Matthew McConaughey sat down with the Studio Exec this morning where the True Detective star, tucked into seven glasses of water and gorged himself on looking at an apple for forty seconds.

‘If I look at it for longer, it goes straight on my hips,’ said the Killer Joe actor. 

So Matthew, what is your take on the McConaissance?

A’right, a’right a’right. Well, you see when I was a young man I used to have to look out and around me to see if there were a role model that I could use, someone who might inspire me. I looked and looked and frankly I could see no one worth more than a lick of paint, but one day I was in the bathroom, jerking off or something I don’t recall, and I happened to catch sight of myself in the mirror. And I thought there he is. That’s the one I’m gonna imitate and try to be like.

You?

Matthew McConaughey in person. 

I see.

I won’t deny I spent some time leaning against Kate Hudson on posters, but it paid the rent. Then Kate taught me how to read and I was able to actually see what the films would be like before they got made via these paper things they call scripts (for more on this Click Here).

 So then you made Killer Joe, Mud, True Detective and Dallas Buyers Club.

That’s a’right, a’right, a’right. I mean I didn’t want to alienate my old fans so I also did The Paperboy for Lee Daniels. Just to give them something dumb. And my Oscar speech of course was what I like to call classic McConaughey. I admire myself from the past as well as looking towards my future self for inspiration. When I need me in an emergency, I check out the Matthew McConaughey of today. Any reflective surface’ll do.

 Yeah. You know I think I’m going to be sick.

Oh really? Water a bit strong for you, huh?

Where’s the bathroom?

It’s just down the corridor and then you take a’right a’right a’right.

For more Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

FIRST LOOK: MCCONAUGHEY’S FREE STATE OF JONES GETS TITLE CHANGE

HOLLYWOOD – Matthew McConaughey’s Civil War time travel comedy previously known as the Free State of Jones has got a change of name and direction: Home Alone: Origins.

Although originally billed as a serious drama, director Gary Ross said the change of direction had been motivated by the star himself. He spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Matthew was very concerned that he had done perhaps one too many gritty role. He’d got his Oscar and it had served him well and his roster looked just a gritty with the the new Reese Witherspoon drama Gritty Mud coming up. So we got together and we thought what can we do to return Matthew to the zone of Failure to Launch and Fool’s Gold. The glory years as we call them.

And?

Well, we had the rights to the Home Alone series and we decide wouldn’t it be fun to do a kind of Lost in Time prequel. What if Kevin (Macaulay Culkin) was staying at his mad scientist uncle’s place, played by McConaughey, and he accidentally got trapped in a time machine and left behind at the time of the Civil War. The uncle has to go back in time to find his nephew. Meanwhile, Kevin goes from bloody battlefield to bloody battlefield, playing a key role in victories and defeats, using improvised cartoon-like weapons, bowling balls, tennis rackets and buckets of cold water.

Sounds hi-lar-ious. Will Culkin be age appropriate though?

Don’t worry we’ll Serkis him. We’ll need to use a lot of CGI anyway. What we first shot is still quite dark and gruesome. But there was always a darkness to Kevin’s story. And Andy Serkis will be perfect in bringing the out.

And what about the Terminator connection?

I’m glad you asked me that. Of course, that is the other great time travel franchise, so we thought why not tie it in? It’s not as if anyone is actually paying attention anymore to continuity or logic. So yes a T2000 will feature in the film, voiced by Joe Pesci!

Home Alone: Origins will be released in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor

MCCONAUGHEY: INTERSTELLAR RETURN TO FAILURE TO LAUNCH FORM

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Nolan‘s Science Fiction epic Interstellar is not due to be seen for another eleven months, but one of its leads Matthew McConaughey has spoken for the first time about his performance and the tone of the film.

‘It’s a hilarious romp and I think people are going to be pleased to see me back doing what I do best,’ said the McConaugh-a-tron. ‘Playing a likeable hunk – not too bright – with a Texan drawl that is just dreamy.’

Leading McConaughassaince scholar Dr Dirt E. Beardsley spoke exclusively to the Studio Exec:

Mud, Killer Joe, Dallas Buyers Club, and the TV series True Detective, these were all interesting experiments, but what we want to see is Fool’s Gold, Sahara and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. That’s the real McConaugh-a-tron. Not this actor asshole. Lets get him back to leaning on Kate Hudson in posters. Am I right?

 The news comes as a relief to the universe which has been feeling out of balance of late, what with Inside Llewyn Davis missing out on the Oscar nominations and all.

 Interstellar will be released in December, 2014.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY LEARNS TO READ

MEMPHIS – When Matthew McConaughey picked up the Golden Globe followed by a Best Actor Oscar nomination for The Dallas Buyer’s Club, the critical establishment opened their windows, leaned out into the night air and shouted ‘What the F*ck?’ 

Anyone following the career of the McConotron (as he prefers to be known) may well have been stumped for an explanation as to his recent run of form.

After years of pouring out ludicrous bile worthy tripe such as Sahara, Fool’s Gold, Failure to Launch, and How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, the erstwhile crap magnet has managed to string together a slew of decent films. Killer Joe, Mud and Magic Mike all feature McConaughey – as he prefers to be known – in full Thespian flow. The secret – revealed to Studio Exec – is simple: Matthew McConaughey has learnt to read.


It makes choosing scripts much easier,’ M&Ms said recently. ‘Prior to that I’d just weigh them in my hand. Or throw them against the wall, sniff them or something. The I’d say “A-right, a-right, a-right!” and that’s that.’

Matty McC had tried to learn to read in the past, helped by co-‘star’ Kate Hudson, but was hampered by the fact that Ms. Hudson herself didn’t know how to read and was in fact ‘pretending’, guessing at the meaning of the words by the shape they made on the page. In this way she taught McConaughey that the word ‘encyclopaedic’ meant train, because ‘it kinda looks like a train, don’t she’.


McConaughey now delights in the written word, though sometimes he does revert to old methods. ‘When I got the script for The Paperboy, I didn’t have much time so I just licked a couple of pages and they tasted okay,’ the McConatron smiles ruefully. ‘I won’t be doing that again.’


Matthew Mcconaughey’s The Brothers Karamazov will be released in 2015.