BRIAN BLESSED TO DUB ALL TOM HARDY ROLES

HOLLYWOOD – Brian Blessed is to dub all Tom Hardy films from now on.

Mumbling heartthrob actor Tom Hardy is to be voiced by loud national treasure, Brian Blessed.

Veteran actor Blessed, made the announcement today by opening his bedroom window from his house at the peak of Kilimanjaro and shouted: ‘GOOD DAY EVERYBODY, DON’T BE ALARMED, IT IS JUST I, BRIAN BLESSED. GORDON’S ALIVE!’ bellowed the actor, shattering windows for hundreds of miles around.

‘I AM DELIGHTED TO ANNOUNCE I WILL BE THE VOICE YOU HEAR WHENEVER YOU WATCH A TOM HARDY FILM FROM NOW ON. NOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND A BLOODY WORD THE POOR LAD SAYS, SO THEY BROUGHT ME IN TO MAKE SURE WE CAN ALL UNDERSTAND HIM FROM NOW ON. GORDON’S ALIVE!’

‘I’M NOT DOING ANY BLOODY ACCENTS, MIND YOU. BECAUSE, WHEN YOU PAY FOR BRIAN, YOU GET BRIAN. FOR EXAMPLE, HERE IS ME IN TOM’S LAST FILM, CAPONE, AHEM,

“HELLO I AM AL CAPONE. OH NO, I JUST SHAT ME PANTS.” AND SCENE, GORDON’S ALIVE!’

‘HERE I AM BEING BOTH RON AND REGGIE KRAY IN LEGEND,

“HELLO REGGIE, I’M RONNIE” “NO, I’M RONNIE, YOU’RE REGGIE. “WHAT?” “EH?” “OH NO, WE BOTH JUST SHAT OUR PANTS!” AND SCENE, GORDON’S ALIVE!’

‘ANYWAY, YOU GET THE IDEA. YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE FINALLY BEING ABLE TO UNDERSTAND EVERY WORD THE POOR BOY SAYS. PEACE OUT. GORDON’S ALIVE!’

In support of this bold new move, Tom Hardy released the following statement:

‘Mumble mumble. Murmur murmur. Mumble. Murmur. Mumble murmur.’

Tom Hardy’s next film will be a remake of The Horse Whisperer, directed by Michael Bay.

47 FILMS: 18. FLASH GORDON

In our continuing series of ‘47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams’, we look at the Dino De Laurentiis produced space opera Flash Gordon.

Flash Gordon was the Saturday morning serial of choice. Buster Crabbe would forever be getting into scrapes and with the help with some dubious editing would manage to escape the next day. Everything was hokey but at the same time the special effects weren’t half bad. Certainly stand comparison with CGI circa 1994. 1995. 1996. You get the idea. The movie version has a long history of near misses with some of the most illustrious directors being attached at one time or another to an adaptation of the Alex Raymond comic strip. George Lucas was going to do it before basically doing it as Star Wars. Federico Fellini had bought an option to make it but never got round to it: he appears in the film as the name of Ornella Muti’s pet alien. Nicolas Roeg was hired and then fired and Sergio Leone was even asked to come in, but turned it down.

In the end Mike Hodges – most famous for the grim English noir Get Carter – was hired to film a script by Lorenzo Semple who had cut his teeth on the original Batman TV show. It aims for the same tone of camp comedy with Chaim Topol’s mad scientist Dr. Zarkof kidnapping amiable knucklehead Flash Gordon (Sam Jones) and Dale Arden (Melody Anderson) and flying them to Mars in a rocket ship. Here they encounter Ming the Merciless (Max Von Sydow’s best role ever) who sentences Flash to death and decides to marry Dale. Flash is saved because agreeable nymphomaniac Princess Aura (Ornella Muti) takes a shine to him. Uniting the birdmen and the woodland folk, led by Timothy Dalton and Brian Blessed respectively, Flash is set to turn the tables on Ming, all to the sound of Britain’s best pub rock band Queen, thumping and camping away in the background.

The film is a glorious mess with no one taking it seriously. There was a porn parody Flesh Gordon (soon to be remade by Matthew Vaughn), but the risque humor on display here and the unbelievably sexy Ornella Muti really means it was surplus to requirement. Following Aura’s capture and whipping, Peter Wyngarde as Klytus purrs ‘She seemed to enjoy it!’

The special effects are cheesy and the dialogue so tongue in cheek that Sam Jones’ performance was almost entirely dubbed by another actor. There is an affection and nostalgia built into the film as well that makes it a pleasure to return to even if the film never quite makes up its mind to be an out and out comedy or an exciting action adventure.

For more of our 47 Films to See Before You’re Murdered in Your Dreams,Click HERE.

MATTHEW VAUGHN IN TALKS TO DIRECT FLESH GORDON

HOLLYWOOD – Kingsman: The Secret Service and Kick Ass director Matthew Vaughn has revealed that he is currently the front contender to direct a new version of popular sci-fi adventure Flesh Gordon.

Originally released in 1974, Flesh Gordon was itself based on a comic strip called Flash Gordon and an early movie serial of the same title. The series also inspired a young George Lucas to start thinking up his own space opera story which later became Star Wars.

Matthew Vaughn is in talks with Fox and the details have yet to be worked out but Vaughn has spoken in the past for his adoration of the work:

Nowadays porn parody films are ten a penny. Some of them get released even before the original film on which they’re based are made, or in the case of 50 Shades of Grey, it’s hard to know where the porn parody ends and the real film begins. But Flesh Gordon stood tall and alone for many years as by far the best exemplar of its kind. I would love to produce something similar one of these days.

Along with Dale Ardor and Prof. Jerkoff, Flesh Gordon travels to the planet Porno which is ruled by Emperor Wang and which has been firing Sex Rays at the Earth. Here they must battle Penisauruses and Wang’s salacious daughter, as well as fight off sex mad robots and a gang of lesbians, before they can destroy the Sex Ray and return home.

Flesh Gordon will be released in 2017. 

MAX VON SYDOW ZUMBA WORK OUT A SURPRISE HIT

HOLLYWOOD – Famous Swedish actor and star of films such as The Seventh Seal and Flash Gordon, Max Von Sydow has released a set of seven DVD comprising an entire course of Zumba that you can do from the comfort of your own home.

‘The routines are relatively gentle,’ said the Septuagenarian Sydow. ‘But you’ll be feeling the burn and having fun at the same time.’

The DVD sets have been flying off the shelves with Amazon reporting that its stock are almost completely exhausted. Industry expert Jackaly Parras said that Sydow’s appeal ‘is probably due to his work in Ingmar Bergman’s films. His presence – whether it’s the knight with a crisis of faith or the worried husband in Through a Glass Darkly –  is perfect preparation for presenting a new fitness fad based on South American rhythms and Colombian dance.’

Joe Pesci has announced that he is releasing a Pilates program that he has been developing for years.

‘Way before that oblong headed asshole even knew what a squat thrust was,’ said the very angry Pesci.