WERNER HERZOG’S BEYONCE DOCUMENTARY BANNED IN POLAND

WARSAW – The new Werner Herzog documentary charting a year in the life of pop diva Beyoncé – and entitled Bouncy Beyoncé – will not be shown in the central European country of Poland, because authorities have declared it ‘non-existent’. 

Werner Herzog said that he was disappointed but not at all surprised.

The Poles have always had a certain degree of intolerance when it comes to esoteric Austrian filmmakers such as me charting the lives of pop royalty. It is not the first time I’ve run into trouble with the powers that be and I’m sure it won’t be the last. My documentary on Sheena Easton was stopped at the border in 1984 and the negatives burnt. Unfortunately they were the only copy of the film we had which means that today the film has become one of those legendary lost films.

However, Bogdan Ztrojewski – the Minister for Culture and Arts – angrily denied Herzog’s version of events. 

We have never heard of this Bounce Beyoncé ; we have never seen this Bounce Beyoncé. Personally I would be delighted to see a year in the life of Beyoncé Knowles by the talented if eccentric director of Fitzcarraldo and Rescue Dawn. However, this is not the first time that Mr. Herzog has claimed that we have suppressed a hagiographic film  about a glamorous female vocalist. In 1984 he claimed that we had burnt a film about Sheena Easton! As if we would do such a thing! I mean, For Your Eyes Only was the best song to come out of the Bond franchise bar none. Frankly, I’m baffled by this behavior.

Fortunately, Bouncy Beyoncé will be released throughout the rest of Europe and North America in 2016.

WERNER HERZOG’S RECIPE FOR WILD MUSHROOM RISOTTO

HOLLYWOOD – The latest in a series in which guest columnist and Austrian film director Werner Herzog writes about arbitrary moments in his life.

I have always been by far the most fantastic cook that you would ever hope to have prepare food for you. When we were making Fitzcarraldo my omelettes were legendary. Klaus Kinski once broke a man’s spine because the fool had accidentally got in-between Kinski and some bouillon I had prepared for him. The poor man died horribly, but Kinski was not to be crossed and far once I did not feel his rage excessive.

While making Rescue Dawn, Christian Bale and Steve Zahn were both placed on starvation diets so that they would begin to seem closer to the state their characters’ prisoners of war predicament. This was particularly trying for them as I insisted on preparing the most mouthwateringly delicious barbecues every night for the rest of the crew. When filming was over I had promised that I would cook for them as well, and indeed I did so during a fantastic wrap party, but as a joke I prepared only the meager prison rations of worms that they had been eating. Christian and Steve couldn’t stop crying they were so amused.

Legend has spread of my culinary prowess and so I thought I would share one of my favorite recipes with you, my dear Studio Exec friends: Wild mushroom risotto.

The first thing you must do is go to the woods and collect the mushrooms. Now most people would warn you to be cautious about which mushrooms to pick but such caution is simply a pale version of mind death. These are WILD mushrooms remember. Not tame mushrooms. So pick the mushrooms and if you have picked poison ones you will die. But you will have lived.

Once you have your wild mushrooms, go home and make your risotto.

For more wisdom from Werner Herzog, Click Here.

WERNER HERZOG SHOPS AT LIDL

In which our Austrian contributor, Fitzcarraldo director Werner Herzog, discusses his supermarket shopping habits.

If one is to ever fully comprehend the depths of ennui laced with the sharp jags of hyperactive stupidity that characterizes our post-millennial world, one could do a lot worse than go to a supermarket and gaze transfixed by something that would have had Andy Warhol eyes lighting up with avarice as he contemplates another sale of one of his ‘paintings’ and perhaps a fancy new wig as a treat for himself. I once met Andy Warhol and made the mistake of asking him how the soup had tasted – my Austrian sense of humor was perhaps too refined for this famously morose pop artist. He told me it tasted like tomatoes and then did a face which seemed to say ‘what did you expect dummkopf?’ Now what was I talking about? I’ve totally lost my thread. Was it something to do with Prince? I’ve always wondered if Prince was any relation to Queen. He would have been a perfect support act for them. Or for Elvis, for that matter. A vision appears to me of Freddie Mercury and Elvis sitting on thrones in Graceland with Prince, happily playing with his train set at their feet.

Supermarkets! I was thinking about supermarkets, but as often happens when I am in supermarkets I forget completely why I am there and my thoughts trail off. Lidl is by far my favorite European supermarket. To begin with it is very cheap and often you can find strange things you can’t find anywhere else. There are always surprising gadgets like apple corers or electric mosquito rackets. Or those swing ball games with the tennis ball and the string and you hit it and it swings around a pole in a way that can only be described as ghastly. The people who work at Lidl are all without a single exception suffering from the deepest depression. They are strictly forbidden from speaking Welsh if they can speak Welsh, and are forced to try and speak Welsh if they can’t. And ridiculed for their inept efforts. It truly is a miserable place. A little bit like Wales.

In this it is not dissimilar from Walmart.

I believe that Prince worked in a Walmart as a struggling young singer song writer. But of course I might have been misinformed about all of this.

For more wisdom from Werner Herzog, Click Here.

WERNER HERZOG’S WEDDING VIDEOS

HOLLYWOOD – Documentarian, director and sibilant Austrian septuagenarian Werner Herzog has opened his own wedding videos company, which offers the unique service of having the award-winning director of such films as Fitzcarraldo, Aguirre Wrath of God and The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans capture the most important and beautiful day of any couple’s lives. 

The director of Into the Darkness commented:

I have made films about the most extreme situations on the planet on which we find ourselves alive today, Antarctica, death row, caves somewhere in France, I even made a film with Val bloody Kilmer, and now here I am, and nothing to do with a lot of digital cameras. So I thought why not make wedding videos and in doing so I believe I can truly document the destruction of the soul of Man.

Do you see this then as an extension of your attempt to delineate the outline of human possibility?

Yes. And you get free cake.

Werner with another happy customer (divorced)

Werner Herzog’s Wedding Video company is available for the cost of $2000 a day or $3000 for a weekend. Herzog films everything himself and provides an audio commentary in which he is amusingly and eccentrically rude about everybody except the person who gives him cake.