PATRICK STEWART AND IAN MCKELLEN TO PLAY WALDORF AND STATLER

LONDON – Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart are to play Waldorf and Statler.

X-Men enemies and men of the theatre Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen reunite as perhaps the most famous men of the theatre, Statler and Waldorf in a spin-off stand-alone live action Muppet movie called  Waldorf and Statler

Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart are to play Waldorf and Statler. Following the rejuvenating popularity of The Muppets, studio heads were casting around for ideas to cash in on what has at times been a faltering franchise. The idea to place the balcony docked curmudgeons centre stage was a stroke of inspired accountancy.ian mckellen patrick stewart

Speaking from his London dockside home, Sir Ian said he was delighted.

When Andrea [Arnold] approached me for the part of Waldorf at first I thought this has to be some sort of joke, or better still a dream. Come on pinch me. Is it? Well, no it isn’t. It’s real. And I can say that one of my greatest ambitions has been realised. After this I might well consider retirement, because it will be difficult to top. Then again Peter Jackson is planning another five films with Gandalf.   

Sir Patrick Stewart was no less effusive. 

There comes a time in every actor’s life that he goes through his little check list. Hamlet, done, Vladimir, done, Uncle Vanya, done, Dr. Xavier, done. And now has come the time to take the black marker pen and place a large tick beside Waldorf. 

But you’re playing Statler?

Am I? Oh. Well then, Statler, done. Ha ha.

Fishtank and American Honey director Andrea Arnold is more noted for her social realism, but confessed to looking forward enormously to the project.  

All that social realism stuff’s great for the festivals but 1. it really doesn’t make much coin and 2. All these bloody poor people bore me rigid. I need a bit of Mahna Mahna!

Waldorf  and Statler will be released in December, 2021. 

MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S FLUTE ALBUM A MASSIVE HIT IN GERMANY

BERLIN – Michael Fassbender hits number one on all German charts with his collection of flute music.

Michael Fassbender is one of the world’s most promising young actors. In films such as Fishtank, Hunger and Shame he has shown himself a startling performer and more recently with Alien: Covenant, someone who can make a move into the mainstream. So it might come as a surprise that in Germany Michael Fassbender is known primarily as a flautist. Gustav Bok, secretary of the Fassbender Flaut Uber Alles club told the Studio Exec: fassbender

Of course Michael is part German so that suggests perhaps why we Germans love him so much. But obviously it is the flute playing which is the most important thing. Michael has a wonderful pair of lips and he purses them just so. Making for the sweetest sound. And his lungs! Boy does this guy have the lungs. Many of our members don’t even realise he is an actor. They go to his concerts and buy his CDs and music. Many only went to Alien: Covenant because Michael plays the flute in it.

Fassbender’s flute antics also landed him a big role with a Hollywood director. Quentin Tarantino tells the story:

I was in Germany on a tour with a film and I was watching television and there was this massive flute concert and I didn’t even realise that fluting was so big in Germany. And I don’t mean like a flute and an orchestra. This is just one guy and a flute and he’s up there for three hours. It’s unbelievable. Magical even. And I thought I haev to have this guy. It was only when we were actually on set and filming Inglourious Basterds that this guy could actually speak English as well.

Michael Fassbender’s Flute Favorites is available on iTunes.

SOCIAL REALISM CAUSES POVERTY IN BRITAIN

BOLTON – British film directors Ken Loach, Mike Leigh, Shane Meadows, Andrea Arnold and Clio Barnard have been accused of causing poverty on a massive scale in Great Britain.

According to a new study by the University of East Anglia, the poorest members of British society are most troubled not by drug addiction, treatable disease, malnutrition or suicide, but by social realistic cinema. Prof. Cathy Newton explained:

It all began int he 1960s when a young BBC filmmaker called Ken Loach began his career and chose to tell the stories of marginalized poverty stricken members of society. He was soon joined by the likes of Mike Leigh, Shane Meadows et al. What people don’t realise is that Loach and his cronies would often cause the misery he was proposing to ‘document’, and often killed hundreds of poor people to make just one ten minute sequence. And I’m afraid the practice has become more extreme as the years have gone on.

Shane Meadows – the director of This is England – recently told French cultural magazine Chapeau:

If I turn up at a housing estate and everyone is happy, I call my gang of thugs and they come and break the windows, punch the women and spray the place with dog doings, because that is my milieu!

Andrea Arnold’s Fish Tank was a celebrated view of Broken Britain, but the director was accused of dragging poor people behind cars for sixteen miles so that they looked appropriately miserable. ‘They don’t feel it, the way we do,’ commented the director, laughing her head off. Most recently, The Selfish Giant tells the story of two working class boys stealing scrap metal. Clio Barnard the director gleefully admitted to smacking the child actors in the face with a copy of Das Kapital until they were both left utterly unaware that they had actually been educated in Eton.

Ken Loach’s new film Sex and the City 3 will be released in 2016.