POLICE RAID CINEMA CLUBS ACROSS UK

Police raid cinema clubs across the UK in Fight Club-esque scenes. In shocking scenes across the UK, police raid cinema clubs that have been operating in underground facilities. As police raid cinema clubs around the country in scenes similar to Fight Club, The Exec has this following report:


The First Rule Of Cinema Club

Underground warehouses, bar basements and disused churches have all been raided by SWAT style armed police in the last 48 hours. The raids have been a coordinated effort by the authorities to break up the underground organisation known as ‘Cinema Club’. But who is behind it all? Those arrested have so far remained tight lipped about the organisation and its leadership.

 

The Second Rule Of Cinema Club

Rumours of the mysterious organisation have been rife over the last few weeks as the English government has clamped down on ‘Non-Brexit Approved Culture’, banning the works of European film makers such as Truffaut, Almodovar, Haneke and Fellini. English cinemas are now only allowed to show mainstream Hollywood films about straight white men with guns, the entire James Bond franchise and the films of Guy Ritchie, which are predominantly also just about straight white men with guns.

 

I Am Jack’s Tati

In response to this extreme policy, Cinema Club has been raging cinematic guerrilla warfare by showing European and Arthouse films in unauthorized venues across the country. A disused swimming pool in Manchester that was raided was showing Fellini’s 8 & 1/2. Whereas Jacques Tati’s Playtime was shown in a dilapidated Budgens convenience store in Oxford. Scenes that resemble The Battle Of Algiers as cinema fans runs scared from the police. But in Scunthorpe rather than Algiers, and nobody dies.

 

We Have Just Lost Cabin Pressure

Nobody truly knows who is behind this clandestine cine-ster organization. One theory suggest disgruntled ODEON employees. Some believe it’s a Film Studies grad, rejected too often by Empire. There are even some who believe Mark Kermode and Mark Cousins are behind it and are in fact the same person. Whoever is behind Cinema Club, they are out there somewhere. They’re the hero everyone deserves but not the hero everyone needs right now. Eh? What does that even mean?

 

MORE ON THIS AS IT BREAKS

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT DAVID FINCHER

HOLLYWOOD – Gone Girl director David Fincher is one of the few American film makers who seems able to work in the mainstream, make some fairly dreadful movies (Panic Room, Benjamin Button), some fairly good ones (Fight Club, Se7en), and still inspire respect in the critical community.

Our FACT squad descended on the Fight Club director likes a pack of starving rats and stripped his bones clean of all fact tissue, quite literally. 

1. Despite including a specific rule in the film, everyone talks about Fight Club, which infuriates David Fincher, who is a stickler for rules. 

2. David Fincher got his first job in the cinema as a special effect supervisor on Return of the Jedi. Anyone watching the film closely can spot his cameo as the Rancor Keeper, Malakili. His acting skills attracted so much attention that Lucas suggested he pursue acting as a possible career. Fincher lost weight especially but in the end no one wanted him, because Lucas was wrong and Fincher was actually a crap actor. 

3. When making Se7en, Fincher tried to murder someone in order ‘to get the feel’. However, he hurt his hand and was quickly overpowered. 

4. Although nominated for an Oscar for The Social Network, David Fincher prefers MySpace.  

5. The Game that Michael Douglas plays in The Game is actually based on a version of Cluedo, but with all the rules changed to avoid copyright issues.

For more FACTS click HERE.

DARREN ARONOFSKY AND DAVID FINCHER FOUND ALIVE AND WELL AFTER HAVING GOT LOST IN THE WOODS

HOLLYWOOD – Film directors Darren Aronofsky and David Fincher have been rescued alive and well from the Appalachian Trail which they had begun two years ago.

Black Swan director Darren Aronofsky and his best pal Seven director, David Fincher yesterday emerged from the woods in Georgia. They were dehydrated and hungry, but otherwise in good health.

Darren Aronofsky and David Fincher decided to embark on the Appalachian trail in 2014, following the release of Fincher’s Gone Girl, an adaptation of the best seller by Gillian Flynn. However, friends of the pair became concerned when the two film directors failed to contact anyone for six months. A friend of the pair told Studio Exec:

The boys had wanted to do this trail for years. But I was always worried, because neither one of them is particularly capable. I remember David telling Darren, ‘The first rule of the Appalachian Trail is you don’t take a map of the Appalachian Trail.’ I thought that was dumb. I was hoping that Darren would have more sense, but then again he did think Noah would be a hit, so what does he know, right?

 According to Aronofsky, problems began almost immediately:

We set off but whenever I asked David about a decision – putting up the tent, lighting a camp fire, orienteering – he just kept telling me that he’d fix it in post with CGI.

However, Fincher also criticized his companion:

Darren is a wonderful friend, but he isn’t very practical. He kept haring off into the woods looking for what he called ‘the cure for death’. I think it was something Natalie Portman had told him about.

A Walk in the Woods 2 will be released in 2018.

AFTER JOHNNY DEPP DIVORCE, AMBER HEARD INTRODUCES NEW PARTNER

HOLLYWOOD – Following the announcement of her divorce with Johnny Depp, Amber Heard has already been seen with a new partner.

The marriage did not last long,  but Amber Heard and Johnny Depp seem to now have definitively parted ways. However, the actress has wasted little time in introducing her new boyfriend to the world via a viral YouTube video. In it she sits side by side with her new guy, in an obvious contrast with the infamous Australian dog apology video of a month ago. Whereas in the latter Depp was a dead eyed and bloated ghoul in the new one Amber’s new flame seems full of life and frolics. Ms. Heard spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about what is going on.

For months now it hasn’t been happening between me and Johnny. Of course, I love him very much, but he was so quiet and subdued. Nothing like the man I remember falling in love with on the big screen. We tried to talk it through and Johnny said he had some ideas about how he could brighten up our lives but then he did nothing. All of a sudden though I met Matt Hatter.

Matt Hatter?

Yes. One day Johnny went out to get some cigarettes and the next minute there was a ring on the doorbell and Matt Hatter was there body popping and acting zany. It was exactly who I needed and when Matt left and then twenty minutes later Johnny came back I told him that it was time to go our separate ways.

How did he take it?

Really badly. He was really upset. And I felt sorry for him. He went into the bathroom to weep with his valise, but then – I don’t know how he got in there – Matt came out of the same bathroom and the crazy fun started again. My mind was made up at that point.

Aren’t Johnny and Matt the same person though?

You’re the second person to say that. The first was Johnny. But of course he’ll say anything to get me back.

Amber Heard and Matt Hatter will be starring in their own HBO special, a musical version of Fight Club. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

BRAD PITT LOOKS TERRIBLE

PARIS – At a charity event in Paris, reclusive actor Brad Pitt made a rare appearance which has caused ripples of what passes for concern among the celebrity community.

Brad Pitt has long been a sponsor of the charity Medicine Sans Chapeau – or Doctors without Hats – so it was no surprise when he turned up to a charity gala in the heart of Paris to support the group who do sterling bare headed work in many war zones in Switzerland and elsewhere. However, eagle-eyed celebrity watchers were aghast at the physical state of the Seven and Fight Club star.

Marcus deGroot had this to say:

We know that the last few years have been hard for Brad. Fury was okay but we haven’t really seen him out and about and the rumors have gone round that Angelina Jolie is harvesting his blood to feed her ever widening brood. Of course we dismissed such spite as nothing more than bitter piffle. The worst kind, you’ll agree but when he was wheeled in surrouned by large black women we couldn’t believe our eyes. This was not the young buck that Geena Davis had bedded in Thelma and Louise all those years ago. No, this was a dry husk of a man. As if Jolie had planted a man straw in the cranium and sucked out all his vitality soup.

Brad Pitt appeared at the event dressed in a beautiful Armani cardigan and suit with Versace slippers and a Ralph Lauren pair of dentures. Others claimed that the photographic evidence of the event was merely a hastily found still from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, but this could not be confirmed or denied at the time of publication.

Brad Pitt will next appear in Lust of a Vampire.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT HELENA BONHAM CARTER

HELENA BONHAM CARTER ALERT – Get ready for a factoid shower that will dissolve the amassed icing on the disintegrated wedding cake of not knowing.

  1. Helena Bonham Carter comes from a long family of humble carters, who would cart luggage and vegetables around on carts for tuppence. Helena herself learned carting but was saved from a life time of drudgery by the intervention of a fat prostitute called Mavis. Her mother still continues the family trade and will often cart about her daughter’s vegetables whenever Helena is in ‘town’.
  2. In A Room with a View – based on the novel by Federick Forsythe – Helena’s room did in actual fact have a view, but it was digitally enhanced by James Cameron.
  3. David Fincher originally cast Helena Bonham Carter as Tyler Durden, but changed his mind when he realised that ‘it was a really dumb idea’. The character of Marla was invented because Fincher was too embarrassed to tell Helena of the mistake.
  4. Helena Bonham Carter is married to Timothy Burton, the imaginative genius who gave us a load of remakes of crap television shows and Planet of the Apes. He insists she auditions for any role she wants, but if he turns her down she waits until he is asleep and then cuts off his toes with rose sheers. He only has two toes left on his right foot.
  5. Helena Bonham Carter’s dinner parties are famous throughout Hollywood and the British theatrical world, especially for their bizarre menus and sadistic Bunuel style games. She will often have her mother cart the vegetables to the house only to roundly criticize her before the assembled guests for her lack of social mores.
For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

FIGHT CLUB: BRUCE WILLIS VS KEVIN SMITH

It’s a sad fact that not everyone in Hollywood gets along. Bette Davis tried to kill Joan Crawford with a hand grenade, John Wayne poisoned Gary Cooper’s wife and George Clooney punched David O’Russell in the testicles. Continue reading “FIGHT CLUB: BRUCE WILLIS VS KEVIN SMITH”

BRAD PITT IS ALLERGIC TO CATS

HOLLYWOOD – Last night Oscar winning film producer and actor Brad Pitt revealed that he had been diagnosed with an allergy to cats. 

‘I’m slightly allergic to cats,’ the Fight Club star stated bravely.

If there’s a cat in the room, I get a runny nose and my eyes go red. I’ve probably been allergic since I was a kid but I’m generally not around cats. Anyway I went for a check up recently and they did a general allergy test and it turned out I was allergic to cats and some kinds of pollen.

When asked how he would cope he boldly joked, ‘I’m just going to avoid cats.’

The Cat Resource Allergy People – who refuse to have an acronym – told the Studio Exec that:

Cat allergies are fairly common and most of the time in no way serious. A mild discomfort can ensue and preventative measures can be taken. It is good that such a high profile case will bring attention to what is essentially a trival problem and that money will be diverted from Cancer research into cat allergy research.

Brad Pitt is 50 years old.

SWEDISH DIRECTOR REMAKES FIGHT CLUB

STOCKHOLM – Tomas Alfredson – the renowned director of such films as Let the Right One In and Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy – has vowed to remake all of David Fincher’s films in Swedish, starting with Fight Club, or Kampa Klubb as it will be called.


Alfredson – who had his own vampire film remade as a quite good American language version – said:

I consider Fincher and his ilk cultural imperialists of the worst kind. They come to our country and steal all our best ideas and then they swan around going “hey look at me! I’m a great original director!” Well, if I meet David, I shall say to him “how do you like those biscuits (meaning Kampa Klubb), you filthy fool?!” 

 

When I mentioned that Alfredson had himself made an English language film, the director just repeated my question in a high pitched ‘girly’ voice.


Kampa Klubb will be followed by Syv and Den Nyfiken Fall Av Benjamin Knapp in the next two years.