50 SHADES OF GREY 2: SCRIPT LEAK

HOLLYWOOD – 50 Shades of Grey 2 doesn’t go into production for a few months but the script is complete and Studio Exec has gained EXCLUSIVE access to the final draft.

INT. A CORRIDOR. NIGHT.

We move down a corridor towards a bedroom door.

 ANASTASIA (O.S.)

No, oh no. Stop. Oh it’s too much. Stop please!

CHRISTIAN (O.S.)

You know you want it.

We go through the door and into…

INT. DARK BEDROOM. NIGHT.

Candles light the dark bedroom of Christian Gray. Clothes trail across the floor. A red evening dress, some lacy lingerie.

Anastasia Steele is in bed. Her hands are tied to the bed posts and she is blindfolded. She has put on a lot of weight since we saw her last.

ANASTASIA

Yes, I want it. I want it.

CHRISTIAN

Ha! I knew it. But you must beg your master.

ANASTASIA

Please, please!

CHRISTIAN

Very well.

He takes a chicken fry from the bucket of chicken fries that he had been holding out of sight. He wafts it in front of her face.

ANASTASIA
Oh please…

CHRISTIAN

A-a-a!

Anastasia reaches for it with her mouth but he pulls the bucket back at the last minute and starts eating them himself.

 ANASTASIA

Oh you sadistic asshole!

 Christian – who has also gained a substantial amount of weight – starts laughing his head off as he shovels more and more chicken fries into his mouth.

 ANASTASIA

Noooooooo!

 Suddenly he grips his chest. His face contorts in pain and he collapses dead.

 ANASTASIA

Christian, Christian are you okay? Christian answer me.

 She sniffs the air and twists her body so she can reach the fallen bucket of chicken fries. Twisting in a weirdly erotic way she manages to lodge her head in the bucket where noise of enthusiastic and happy eating can be heard.

 

THE END

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY PRODUCERS DONATE PROFITS TO RICH PEOPLE

HOLLYWOOD – The producers behind smash hit movie Fifty Shades of Grey are planning on donating all the proceeds of the film to rich people who already have a lot of money.

The long awaited adaptation of E.L. James’ novel made a record breaking $240 million worldwide over the weekend, and looks set to become one of the biggest earners of the year. Producers immediately issued a statement saying that profits were going to be donated to rich people.

We are living in a time when rich people are in danger more than ever. From invasive tax policies that demand to know how much money they have to a public which doesn’t seem to understand just how difficult it is to be a really rich person. So this film does its best to redress this balance, showing the underdog Mr. Grey, to be a human being with a helipad and a glider and shit. When we realized how big the film was going to be we decided it was only right we give something back to the people we want this film to serve. The rich. The filthy rich.

Who do you plan to donate the money to specifically?

We’ve always said that charity starts at home, so we’re going to give a lot of the money to ourselves and the rest of it will go to the studio and the heads of the studio. Some will probably filter down to the shareholders, but that kind of socialism doesn’t interest us.

What do you say about those who have criticized the sexual politics of the film?

That’s precisely the kind of narrow minded nonsense we’ve come to expect from the lame stream media. We live in a post-feminist, post-everything world. Women like being stalked if they’re being stalked by money! Look at that suave Lothario Dominic Strauss-Kahn. Doesn’t everybody love him? Isn’t he just the best?

Fifty Shades of Grey is currently in theaters. 

HOW TO WATCH FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

HOLLYWOOD – New guidelines on how to watch Fifty Shades of Grey have published.

Fifty Shades of Grey Watching Guide:

1. Sit comfortably in the cinema.

2. Take the blindfold out of your trouser pocket where it will have been warmed by your excitement.

3. Position the blindfold over your eyes and then tie the knot tight. No peeking. Tight I said. Owch, that’s too tight. Okay that’s Okay.

4. Oh wait, they might have some good trailers. Take the blindfold off.

5. Nope, adverts. Put it back on again.

6. Now there are trailers. They might have the one for Mad Max: Fury Road or The Force Awakens.

7. The movie is beginning. Reposition the blindfold.

8. Take the earplugs out of your pocket where they will be moist from the melted chocolate bar you forgot was in there.

9. Put them in your ears. That’s right. In. Deep. Uh huh! Okay. Can you hear me? No of course you can’t I could say anything. You smell like a wet badger. Did you hear that? I don’t care if you did. Did it hurt your feelings? I don’t care. I am the MASTER.

10. Once the film is over, think about the ten dollars you paid for your ticket and you didn’t even get to see the film did you? Ow! That hurts! Think about it again. Ow. And again. Again. Ahhhhhhhh.

Fifty Shades of Grey is out.  

 

SCRIPT LEAK: FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

INT: BEDROOM

 

Christian Grey

Can you just…

 

Anastasia

Is that better?

 

Christian Grey 

Much better.

  

Anastasia 

Don’t you want to put it there?

 

Christian Grey

Do you want me to put it there?

 

Anastasia

No. I’m scared what will happen if you put it there.

 

Christian Grey

I want you to be scared.

 

Anastasia 

Put it there then.

 

Christian

Beg me to put it there.

 

Anastasia

Please will you put it there.

 

Christian

Say please will you put it there, Sir!

 

Anastasia

Please will you put it there, Sir.

 

Christian

I’m going to take you now.

 

Anastasia

Take me.

 

Christian

Louder.

 

Anastasia

Take me!

 

Christian 

Louder!

 

Anastasia

 

TAKE ME SIR. FOR GOD SAKE TAKE ME!

 

Christian

Ok fine. Knight to King 4. Knight takes Queen. Check.

 

Anastasia 

Your Bishop is exposed.

 

Christian

Yeah sorry about that. It’s these tight trousers.

 

 

FIN  

 

CORRECTION: EMMA WATSON IN 50 SHADES OF GREY

HOLLYWOOD – Yesterday, we published the news that Emma Watson had agreed (finally) to star in Fifty Shades of Grey as Anastasia Steele, the young University student who becomes the ping pong playing partner of business man and sado-masochist Christian Grey.

We are extremely sorry to report there were some errors in the original article which we seek to correct now (after the jump).

  1. There is no ping pong in the story. Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey at no point play ping pong. Ping pong has no relevance here, except at a push as double entendre – and even then it would be very difficult to squeeze in and could cause some to gasp.
  2. We stated that the film was to be based on the ‘E.L. James masterpiece’. We have since discovered that the book cannot be fairly described as a masterpiece unless a) you don’t ever read books; b) you don’t understand the meaning of the word ‘masterpiece’ or c) you’re being sarcastic.
  3. Emma Watson has agreed to appear in Fifty Shades of Grey, but she will NOT play Anastasia Steele. Instead, she will play Christian Grey. Anastasia Steele will be played either by Benedict Cumberbatch or Tom Hiddleston. Both actors have said they are willing to play the role and producers believe the cross dressing, gender bending that Watson is insisting on will make the film ‘sexier than seeing your father dressed in your mother’s underwear, especially if you have very sexy parents’.
We apologize once more for any confusion caused.

EMMA WATSON: OF COURSE I’M GOING TO STAR IN 50 SHADES OF GREY

HOLLYWOOD – Earlier today, Emma Watson created mild surprise in Hollywood today with a 180 degree turn as she announced she was fully on board to star as Anastasia Steele in the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie.

She tweeted:

Apparently drunk, she continued in this vane for some hours, but many of the tweets were later deleted.  Speculation has been rife about the casting of the E.L. James masterpiece with many tipping Ms. Watson or Keira Knightley for the role. Competition between the two actresses to play the young student turned business man’s sex toy, they had a bikini fight in a paddling pool filled with jelly, although that might have been a dream.

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY WILL ‘BE BAD ON PURPOSE’

NEW YORK – New Fifty Shades of Grey scribe Kelly Marcel has revealed that her script of the ground breaking, lingering, thrusting, moistening novel will be ‘purposefully and dynamically bad’.
‘Making a good film is easy,’ Ms. Marcel said. ‘But this is going to be a real challenge. How can I take this towering, lurching, leering, pumping novel full of sweaty dripping, panting pages and discipline it and make it bad, so bad, you filthy bitch? You know you want it.’

Ryan Gosling was offered the role of billionaire Christian Grey and was so scared he hasn’t stop running yet. He’s currently hiding in Terrence Malick’s crowd sourced movie The Knight of Cups (read more about Malick’s new film here). Angelina Jolie also expressed an interest in the role of Anastasia Steele but was openly scoffed at and anyway her new mother Oprah Winfrey won’t allow her to do rude stuff (read more about the adoption here).

Marcel argues that the book is liberating for women, allowing them to honestly indulge in and explore their own sexual desires.

‘It’s the best thing to happen to women since the spin cycle,’ she whsipered. (Read more about the spin cycle in 50 Shades of Grey).

Fifty Shades of Grey will be released in 2015.