REVIEW: GHOSTBUSTERS:

 

Hello

Hello!

 

Are you interviewing yourself again?

Yes. Yes I am.

 

Why?

Because writing reviews is extremely dull, pointless and unsatisfying.

 

True dat. So what did you think of Ghostbusters?

It was alright. Entertaining enough for the first hour then it ran out of steam. Kate McKinnon was exceptionally charismatic and she was by far the biggest positive.

 

What did you think of the cameos?

Pointless, wasted, uninspired.

 

Anything else to add?

I’m pleased that it wasn’t the disaster a lot of people expected it to be but some of the generous reviews floating around are ridiculous. I still don’t understand the appeal of Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy has been better. I can’t comment on Leslie Jones as I don’t know her previous work, but a lot of her jokes fell flat. Yes, there were some amusing moments but generally, the script was weak. I have no idea how many drafts were rejected before they settled on the one they shot but they chose…poorly.

 

So it’s not worth seeing?

You should see it for Kate McKinnon’s star-making turn alone. Also, it’s worth remembering that I am a man. If I was a woman watching four female action stars on the screen, my joy could easily overwhelm my critical faculties. I appreciate that. There are not enough female roles of this ilk and hopefully, this will lead to more.

 

What about men giving it four and five star reviews?

A bunch of f*cking idiots overcome with liberal guilt. If a reviewer on my staff gave Ghostbusters four stars, I’d slap them about the head. If they gave it five, you’d never find the body.

 

Anything else?

The final ghost was very poor and aiming the proton cannons at his crotch…well. Let’s just say there were little swipes at men all the way though and I look forward to the day a female driven movie doesn’t feel it has to play that game.

 

Great. Is that it?

Did I mention how good Kate McKinnon is?

 

Several times.

I think I’m in love with her.

 

Well that’s going to piss off the militant feminists. Also, she’s a lesbian.

Can’t a hetrosexual man be in love with a lesbian?

 

Er…let me check the rulebook.

What rulebook?

 

It’s like an unofficial social media rulebook that changes on a daily basis. So, it looks like a hetrosexual man professing his love for a Lesbian is not okay.

What if I just say that I like her very much?

 

Sorry, people will still think you’re weird and creepy.

What if I say I admire her because she’s very talented?

 

Hmm, they’ll think you’re just saying that.

So what can I say?

 

Absolutely nothing. You’re a straight man. A relic of a bygone era. Little more than a primitive beast.

But…

 

Sorry. Now go back to your cave, jerk off and pretend you’re still relevant. Oh, and if you’re going to throw your own shit around, try not to get any in your eyes. 

 

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STEVEN SEAGAL’S FEMINIST BOOK CLUB 2. JANE EYRE

HOLLYWOOD – Hi there, sisters. Steven Seagal here. Star of such films as Under Siege, Above the Law and Beside the Point.

Ha ha, I made that last one up. Anyway, as anyone will tell you in the business, film making involves a lot of hanging around. Some people use the time to goof around, overs take drugs to numb the pain – and yes, I’m looking at you Morgan Freeman. Me, I like to read my way through the feminist classics. Today, Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre!

The Bronte sisters lived in a remote village in Yorkshire, England and wrote books under intentionally ambiguous pseudonyms. Jane Eyre tells a semi-autobiographical story of a young girls growth and development into a woman. Something of an outcast, she is mistreated by her extended family and harshly dealt with at school. But despite this, she challenges her position and particularly the Byronic Mr. Rochester who is the father of her new charge and with whom she falls in love. Of course, Bronte’s reformist agenda is challenged by the suppressed revolutionary anger represented by Bertha Mason, the Madwoman in the Attic, who leant the title to that classic of feminist literary criticism by Gilbert and Gubar.

Given the context of its time, the book must have been a revelation, although now the plot seems to be the template for a thousand inferior romantic fantasies: ‘I married him, reader.’ As such it has a historical resonance rather than offering the feminist of today useful insights. as for bone crunching action, there are very few fights and no Akido whatsoever. Actually there are no fights at all. No Karate, no Kendo and no Judo. The one exciting scene – a fire and a suicide and a maiming – happens off page so to speak.

So to cap off.
Feminism: problematic but gripping: 8
Martial Arts: little or none: 2
Total: 5 

For more of Steven Seagal’s Feminist Book Group Click Here. 

STEVEN SEAGAL’S FEMINIST BOOK CLUB: 1. A VINDICATION OF THE RIGHTS OF WOMEN

HOLLYWOOD – Welcome to Steven Seagal’s Feminist Book Club! 

Hi, I’m Steven Seagal, star of such hits as A Dangerous Man, Driven to Kill and Against the Dark

Every week I’m going to be looking at a classic of feminist literature and reviewing it. I would be really pleased to hear your own reactions as you read along with me. Feel free to use the comments box and let’s get a real dialogue going. Today, I’m reviewing Mary Wollstonecraft’s A Vindication of the Rights of Women.


Nowadays, Mary Wollstonecraft is perhaps most famous for being the mother of the authoress of Frankenstein which later became the inspiration for Tim Burton’s Frankenweenie. However, in her time and for us feminists, Wollstonecraft is the inspiration of a whole movement which sought to unravel and overthrow patriarchy and bring women to a knowledge of their own self-power. Although many have disputed how far the book can be viewed as feminism as opposed to proto-feminism, given the context of male oppression, the book written in 1792 was fundamental in valorizing female work and attempting to promote women away from being viewed merely as objects and wives, and more towards being companions and equals.
Okay. But what about some of the downsides? Well, first of all although this is a landmark piece of thinking, it is a rather dry philosophical tract that some might find difficult to keep up with. Also, there are no fight scenes, absolutely zero. Ditto round house kicks. Although she does bring up the topic of domestic violence that just isn’t the kind of violence that one can truly enjoy.

Conclusion: 

Feminism: a foundational text: 10/10 
Martial Arts: scarse:  2/10
Total: 6/10

For more of Steven Seagal’s Feminist Book Group Click Here. 

MILA KUNIS TO STAR IN DWORKIN

NEW YORK – According to rumor, Mila Kunis has signed on to play Andrea Dworkin in Jane Campion‘s long-awaited biopic of the radical feminist, Dworkin

The news – as yet unconfirmed – has already met with some opposition from feminists. Jayne Detroit of the Woman Against Hate (WAH) movement said:movies 2013

Here we have one of the foremost critics of the objectification of women, an opponent of pornography in all its forms and a life long militant in the feminist movement and she is going to be played by someone Esquire judges to be the sexiest woman on the planet. As if they’ve even properly looked.

However, noted New Zealand film maker Jane Campion reacted with anger at the criticism:

No one can tell me who to cast and who not to cast. I’m not prepared to comment specifically on this situation except to say. I’ve traveled far and wide and Mila Kunis is the sexiest woman on the planet I am yet to meet.

The Piano and Bright Star director went on to say:

This is a project close to my heart. Andrea was a wonderful woman who did a lot for women and especially in criticizing their objectification by the male gaze. That said she was no oil painting and this film is going to be three hours long, so perhaps someone easy on the eye, like Ms. Kunis, would be perfect.

Filming on Dworkin is due to start at 8.37 am, Wednesday the 9th of June. As yet we don’t know the year.

STEVEN SEAGAL’S FEMINIST BOOK CLUB: 4. THE HANDMAID’S TALE

NEW MEXICO – Greetings women everywhere! I’m Steven Seagal: action star of such preposition led films as Into the SunUnder Siege, Above the Law and Out of Sight and the only prominent male feminist who can kill a man with a well aimed spit. 

And today for my feminist fans everywhere I’ve been reading Margaret Attwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Surely Attwood’s Canadian, what the hell has she got to say that’d be any use to anyone? Well, you’re not wrong about the Canadian bit, but that aside this is a terrifying dystopian fiction which entertainingly illustrates the dangers (and perhaps some of the attractions) of patriarchy gone mad.

Attwood


The book tells the story of a future in which women’s rights have been suppressed in the racist homophobic and sexist Republic of Gilead. Our heroine is Offred, a handmaid who has babies for high ranking officials. Her latest mission however, The Commander, also known as Fred, seems to develop feelings for her and his wife intrigues for her to have sex with the driver, Nick. The book is by no means subtle (and she says she’s Canadian!?) but it is one thing you don’t find too often in a feminist classic, entertaining. I had a ball reading this, and the quality of writing is top notch. There was something of the thriller to it and the page turner. So well done Margaret! And – although still woefully light on neck snapping, bone crunching fight scenes – it does at least try for some action and a sense of danger that comes from something other than the female protagonist’s fragile sense of selfhood.

So:
Feminism:                                 9
Martial Arts:                             7
For a total of:                            8