FBI Archives -

FBI FORCE FOX TO CHANGE TITLE OF FANTASTIC FOUR

HOLLYWOOD – Fox studios have been forced to change the title of the new Josh Trank movie The Fantastic Four to simply The Four.

The Fantastic Four has been released to universally disappointing reviews and the unprecedented legal case was brought by the FBI following a deluge of complaints from theater patrons. It stars Miles Teller as Mr. Fantastic, who will be renamed in the new version Mr. M’eh, Kate Mara as Susan Storm, renamed Susan Drizzle and Michael B. Jordan as the Human Torch, who will simply be known as the Torch and Jamie Bell as the Thingy.

Special Agent Jim Bauer told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Usually the FBI would never get involved in a dispute over the title of a movie but Jesus Christ, I don’t know if it was Fox or if it was Josh Trank, but someone needs to be warned that this film is in no shape or form Fantastic and certainly not four fantastics. From now on people going to see it will not be misled and hopefully everything will be okay from now on.

Although unusual, the actions of the FBI are not completely without precedent. When in 2012 the Tom Hardy, Chris Pine and Reese Witherspoon comedy This Means Hilarious War was released, the Federal Bureau of Investigation was forced to intervene and remove a word to make it more appropriate.

When asked for comment, Josh Trank simply said: ‘F*cking Fox, [mumble mumble] Fox!’

The Four is currently in theaters.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE SONY HACK

HOLLYWOOD – The Sony Hack has been one of the most startling and confusing incidents of last year and the Studio Exec FACT squad have been on the case behind the firewall and under the radar.

1. North Korea are responsible for the Sony Hack. The DPRK were angered by the James Franco/Seth Rogen ‘comedy’ The Interview because of the way it ridiculed the country’s leader Kim Jong-un.

2. A Sony insider is responsible for the Sony Hack. The ex-employee was angered by lay offs that Sony had recently carried out.

3. President Obama is responsible for the Sony Hack to distract the liberal mainstream media from the conspiracy that caused deaths in Benghazi.

4. Seth Rogen and James Franco are responsible for the Sony Hack because they wanted to boost business for what is a tediously dull frat boy comedy.

5. I am responsible for the Sony Hack because Sony are shit and one of the shittest things that they have done beyond their normally shit things is obviously The Interview.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!

TOM HANKS PLACED UNDER HOUSE ARREST

HOLLYWOOD – The FBI have placed Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks under house arrest for what the agent in charge of the case is calling ‘his own protection.’

The President ordered the action late last night and Tom Hanks has been in lock down since the early hours of this morning.

A spokesperson for the FBI said that protective custody the President himself instructed them after a week of watching Tom Hanks films in the West Wing of the White House.

The agent stated:

The President first voiced concern after watching Castaway and Apollo 13 in a double bill. He said Mr. Hanks was a ‘danger to himself’, always finding it difficult to return home. The President’s estimation of Mr. Hanks had suffered severely after watching Forrest Gump and learning of Mr. Hanks’ involvement in the cow dung that was The Pacific. The Commander-in-Chief was almost enraged by The Terminal, muttering that Hanks ‘couldn’t even get out of an airport’. So it was with great anxiety and trepidation that we screened Captain Phillips, and sure enough… Well, I don’t want to spoil the film.

Gary Busey said that the move was understandable: ‘Hanks plays with fire. It’s his character. But he needs to be protected.’

Mr. Hanks will remain at home until he can prove that he is capable of leaving the house without being shipwrecked, kidnapped, going beyond the dark side of the moon or being shot in France.

Tag: FBI