HOLLYWOOD – Glenn Close and Sharon Stone are to star in Basic Attraction.
Whether its boiling the bunny or flashing the beaver, Sharon Stone and Glenn Close owned illicit sex in the eighties and nineties. Now they’re back with a mash up of their successful movies Fatal Attraction from 1987 and Basic Instinct from 1992. Screenwriter Joe Eszterhas explained the project to a sceptical Studio Exec:
You liked Alien? You liked Predator? Okay, so you get Alien Vs Predator and you get a movie that is twice as good as either, am I right?
So we were talking me and Glenn and Sharon and we thought wouldn’t it be funny if we put Catherine Tramell and Alex in a film together and see what happens. They are both versions of female sexuality that for some reason threatened men. It’s weird. Overwhelmingly it is women who are the victims of sexual violence, but we keep making these femme fatale movies. It’s almost as if our jobs were to demonize the victims and skew the world so that the people who are responsible don’t ever have to face up to it. Anyway, they said, it’d be fun and so we’re going to do it.
Adrian Lyne is going to do direct the first half and Paul Verhoeven is coming in to finish off.
What’s the story?
Catherine is writing a novel about Alex but Alex comes back to life and so they hunt down Michael Douglas in order to get their revenge.
So Michael Douglas is involved as well?
He doesn’t know yet. But yes he’s involved. And so are his pets.
Basic Attraction will be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – Kanye West has secured funding for a new movie that he has written and will direct from none other than Mark Zuckerberg who is also expected to appear int he rapper’s new film.
Everyone knows that Kanye West is an irritating asshole who occasionally release records. But what many don’t know is that he has scripted a remake of Fatal Attraction which he plans to make with money provided by Mark Zuckerberg and which will star the Facebook mogul and the hip hop genius in the roles which made Michael Douglas and Glenn Close household names. Kanye West had issued a request via his twitter feed directly to the tech billionaire.
Early Monday morning Kanye West posted a statement to the world press which read:
Mark Zuckerberg has heard the call in the desert. He is a John the Baptist who has seen the dove flying above my head. I told him I needed complete creative control. And he told me it is you who should ask me if I have complete creative control for you are truly the Son of God and possibly the next but one President of the United States of America. With this money I will remake an eighties thriller and I will be the stalker and Mark will be the unwitting victim and everyone will watch and say ‘This is sooooo Meta, it makes Zoolander 2 look like Zoolander one.’
The original Fatal Attraction was directed by Adrian Lyne in 1987 and made pots of money.
Kanye West’s Fatal Attraction will be released in 2017.
JERUSALEM – Michael Douglas was on stage in Jerusalem last night to receive a Magic Blue Penis from the hands of Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu.
The Magic Blue Penis is given every five years to men of proven virility and Michael Douglas received it ‘in recognition of his cockmanship and priapism’, as the official statement read. Former recipient Jay Leno shared the stage with Douglas and the Israeli Prime Minister, along with a number of extraordinarily ugly Russian oligarchs who were intent on touching the Magic Blue Penis which is said to have magic powers. Netanyahu, in presenting the award, congratulated Michael Douglas on years of potency:
In your private life you have had some troubles with this, but you have overcome them in a way that makes everyone who has a large manhood proud. In your professional life, you have given us classics such as Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct, War of the Roses and Disclosure, showing that the man with the penis is always surrounded by crazy ladies, who he must love, but also occasionally kill. Now with the Magic Blue Penis, which is the stamp of approval that men yearn for everywhere, we believe you will be able to go back to America and spread messages of peace, inclusiveness and girth.
The Magic Blue Penis was first discovered near the source of the Nile. Scientists still squabble about its exact composition, but no one has ever called into question its effects. Even a brief exposure to the penis will render the holder irresistible to women and elephants.
Michael Douglas was eager to thank his wife, Catherine Zeta Jones, and his father Kirk Douglas for being an inspiration. The runner up prize – the Magic Blue Balls – was awarded to David Letterman for services to television.