Fast and Furious Archives -

PAW PATROL SAVES CINEMA

MOVIE NEWS – With box office numbers published for last week, it is safe to say PAW Patrol saves cinema. With no other major releases on either side of the Atlantic or around the world, a surge of devotees to the franchise have flocked to multiplexes ensuring PAW Patrol saves cinema for the rest of us.

PAW Patrol Saves Cinema

As the world twiddled its collective thumbs wondering what to do in their down time, the greatest team of heroes were assembling… to sniff each other’s assholes. With nothing else on in cinemas anywhere for anyone, crowds have flocked with tails wagging to see PAW Patrol: The Movie.

They’ll Be There On The Dou-Ble

Cinema-goers are dog tired of Marvel movies and magnetic Fast and Furious films. They want heroes with balls. And they want that hero to lick their own balls. With end of week box-office receipts of $135million stateside and the rest of the world fetching $105million, PAW Patrol has been a very good doggy.

Cinema Is Saved

Scare stories appeared in certain publications (thank you The Guardian) and many people believed that cinema was doomed. Therefore those evil cats at Netflix, Apple TV and Disney+ were waiting to snaffle the dog treats away. But PAW Patrol broke free of its leash and ran away with a nice big juicy bone.

A Shaggy Dog Tale

The past 18 months has been really ‘ruff’ for the cinema industry. But it certainly set tails wagging when we see numbers like this for PAW Patrol. Streaming is no longer the cat who got all of the cream. Cinema is chasing streaming services back up the tree with its tail firmly between its legs. Cinema might have been in the dog’s bed for the past 18 months but the sun eventually shines on every dog’s ass. And we at The Exec, are lapping it up like good dogs. Cinema is not Old Yeller, quite yet.

PAW Patrol Is Currently In Cinemas

JIM JARMUSCH TO DIRECT FAST AND FURIOUS 9

NEW YORK – Jim Jarmusch to direct Fast and Furious 9.

Fast and Furious 9 has found its director. The cult New York cineaste of Ghost Dog, Dead Man, Down by Law and Only Loves Left Alive is well known for his laconic sense of humour and slow meditative paced masterpieces like Down By Law and Mystery Train, the shock haired auteur is at first glance a strange fit for the brain dead adrenaline grease monkey high opera of the Fast and Furious franchise. However, Jarmusch told the Studio Exec that he had been talking about directing a Fast and Furious film for years:

I’ve always wanted to… you know … do a film like … a fast you know and … furious kinda … I don’t know if it was Kierkegaard or Lou Reed who said that a nightmare is just a private fantasy but life can be confusing at times and well… What was the question?

What changes do you envisage making to the franchise?

None, absolutely none. I mean, I don’t see the point in doing a bunch of car chases. I mean that part will go. But these characters, they probably are going to spend a lot of time sitting around waiting and being laconically droll, so we should do that. And all the stuff about criminals and double crossing, that’s going to go too.

Oh!

And the title. I mean Fast and Furious? I think Slow and Droll will be better. Then we don’t need the nine anymore.

Right but people like the action. I mean isn’t that the point.

Yeah, that’s a point. I suppose. But you know, what about something new. I mean why not a film all about people drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. When are we going to see that? Huh?

2003.

What?

Coffee and Cigarettes was made in 2003. People just sit round, drink coffee and smoke cigarettes.

That sounds brilliant. I’ve got to see that.

You made it.

Very possibly. The early noughts are a bit hazy.

Fast and Furious 9 is due to begin filming sometime you know… whenever.

I, DANIEL BLAKE: ‘NOT ENOUGH CAR CHASES’

HOLLYWOOD – The new Ken Loach movie I, Daniel Blake criticized for lack of car chases.

It might have won the Palme d’Or at Canne this year, but the new Ken Loach film I, Daniel Blake has come under fire for its lack of car chases. English film critic Barrymore Barrymore took the film to task in a review published in The Daily Mail:

It’s all very well showing the shortcomings of the social welfare system, etc. the plight of the working class etc. the hardship of a single parent family etc. but there are so few car chases that it’s almost embarrassing. How is the British film industry supposed to compete with the US and the Fast and Furious series, when our filmmakers can only make movies about bald men looking for work.

Loach has been criticized in the past about the lack of exciting car chases in his movies and the fact that his films almost never have space ships. Barrymore Barrymore goes on to say:

No spaceships, no space stations, no death rays, no laser guns. There’s no mention of the Force and we don’t even get a glimpse of Chewbacca. Come on Ken! Try again.

Ken Loach apologized and promised to try harder with his next film.

I, Daniel Blake is in theaters this month.

VIN DIESEL AND THE ROCK FIGHT

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec have EXCLUSIVELY received a picture which looks as if it shows Vin Diesel and Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson actually fighting.

The Studio Exec has obtained an image that appears to show Fast and Furious co-stars Vin Diesel and Dwayne the Rock Johnson in a physical fight. Although the picture is in close up and it is difficult to tell what is going on, it is obvious that the conflict between Vin Diesel and Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has escalated from an Instagram spat, to a full blown manly sweaty wrestling match, which The Rock has to be the favorite to win given his record. A photographic expert Kline Billious told the Studio Exec:

It’s obvious that they’re fighting. And it looks like Vin is getting his ass kicked. The Rock has him in a head lock. We can see that they have their shirts on but I think the expression of intensity in their faces, makes it highly likely that they’re both naked from the waist down. If you’ve ever seen the famous scene in Women in Love, with Alan Bates and Oliver Reed you’ll know what I’m talking about.

It is likely that the fight took place on the set of their new film with some crew members claiming that the director also ordered the cameras to roll. An anonymous gaffer told us:

‘Waste not, want not’ is a good motto and as soon as the boys went at it, we got the cameras set up. After all, we weren’t sure if either of them would be acting together again so this might be their last scene.

Although no winner has been announced, it is widely believed that The Rock bit off one of Vin Diesel’s ears and is keeping it in a jar.

Fast 8 will be released in 2017.

VIN DIESEL CHANGES NAME TO VIN HYBRID

HOLLYWOOD – Fast and Furious star Vin Diesel announced today that he is changing his name to Vin Hybrid.

Speaking to the Studio Exec earlier today via ‘car phone’, the artist formerly known as Vin Diesel explained his decision.

I know that I am associated with oil prices and gasoline because of my work on the Fast and Furious franchise, and people properly watch Riddick and think this guy doesn’t have much of a social conscience, but neither of those things are really me at all. I care deeply about the environment and believe we all have to do our bit to try and alleviate man made climate change. So I decided that I would change my name and get away from the idea of pollution that goes with it.

Vin Hybrid it is then.

Yeah. I pondered some alternatives. Vin Electric, Vin Solar Power and Vin Sustainable were all in the hat, but Vin Hybrid came out top.

What about my suggestion?

I’m sorry Exec. I appreciate the thought you put into it but no one is going to see a film starring Vin Wind Power.

Fast and Furiosa will be out in 2018.

RONDA ROUSEY TO STAR IN ALL FEMALE REMAKE OF FALLING DOWN

HOLLYWOOD – Mixed Martial Arts star Ronda Rousey looks to further her acting chops with a starring role in Sofia Coppola’s all female remake of the Joel Schumacher classic Falling Down.

Ronda Rousey is due to take on the role that Michael Douglas made his own, playing Deborah Fens (D-fens) in Sofia Coppola’s remake of Falling Down. She came into the Studio Exec Fighting Gym to discuss her new role:

The thing is it turned out I’m not that good at fighting. And Mixed Martial Arts and all that stuff it kind of depends on you being really good at fighting. I managed okay for a while by knocking out my opponents before we actually had to fight but the minute I met someone like Holly Holm, she just took me to the cleaners and I gotta say, it really hurt. Really bad. I mean: Ow! So I thought I’d go the route of the acting. Like Gina Carano in Haywire. She was fantastic in that film. And in … erm … did she do any other films?

I think she was in one of the Fast and Furiouses.

Right. So there you go. She’s very much the Laurence Olivier of MMA fighters turned actors.

So Falling Down.

It started as a joke. Someone said I should star in the remake of Falling Down because I’m really good at falling down. Ha ha. But then I found out Sofia Coppola was doing a remake and she isn’t discerning when it comes to actors, so I gave her a call and she said that she had just been about to call me.

How will it be different from the Michael Douglas original?

Well, instead of Michael Douglas, there’ll be me. So that’s one difference. And we’re going to make it a bit more action packed. Although at the same time, Air are going to do the soundtrack and on Sofia’s screenplay there are whole pages where she’s just written the word ‘dreamy’ over and over again. Oh and my character has to deal with this older man who she is kind of in love with but also thinks of as a father figure. It’s in Sofia’s contract that she does it in every movie. I don’t know why.

Falling Down with Ronda Rousey will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

FIRST LOOK AT VIN DIESEL IN KOJAK

HOLLYWOOD – Fast and Furious star Vin Diesel is to appear next as Kojak in a new feature film and today the Studio Exec got an EXCLUSIVE look at the first poster.

Vin Diesel has long wanted to take on the role of Theo Kojak, the lollipop sucking cop with the mystical ability to find parking spaces wherever he goes in New York.

Vin popped by the Studio Exec bungalow to discuss his new role:

Many actors would love to be James Bond, or Indiana Jones, but for bald actors the choices are limited. Elmer Fudd was a great role but now I’m willing to stretch myself a little and the peak of bald guy roles has to be either The King and I or Kojak. I can’t sing so… who loves ya baby?

My wife.

No that’s my catchphrase. Who Loves ya baby?

Ah okay. Well yes absolutely.

Telly Savalas was for me an idol who encapsulated what it means to be a folically challenged leading man. Yul Brynner was far too exotic. I mean fantastic but I could never do that. Telly was the man. He was basically like me. Growing up that was who I watched on TV.

Philip Gawthrone, who cut his teeth writing episodes of BBC soap opera Eastenders, has been signed to write the screenplay.

Kojak: Who Loves Ya Baby will be released in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

JIM JARMUSCH SIGNS ON FOR FAST AND FURIOUS 8

NEW YORK – With a the shriek of engines and the stink of testosterone mixed with engine oil, Fast and Furious 7 has no sooner roared into view than the distant thunder of the revving motors of Fast and Furious 8 can be heard in the distance as Jim Jarmusch is recruited as director.

The cult New York cineaste of Ghost Dog, Dead Man, Down by Law and Only Loves Left Alive is well known for his laconic sense of humour and slow meditative paced masterpieces like Down By Law and Mystery Train, the shock haired auteur is at first glance a strange fit for the brain dead adrenalin grease monkey high opera of the Fast and Furious franchise. However, Jarmusch told the Studio Exec that he had been talking about directing a Fast and Furious film for years:

What changes do you envisage making to the franchise?

Oh!

And the title. I mean Fast and Furious? I think Slow and Droll will be better. Then we don’t need the seven any more.

Right but people like the action. I mean isn’t that the point.

Yeah, that’s a point. I suppose. But you know, what about something new. I mean why not a film all about people drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. When are we going to see that? Huh?

2003.

What?

Coffee and Cigarettes was made in 2003. People just sit round, drink coffee and smoke cigarettes.

That sounds brilliant. I’ve got to see that.

You made it.

Very possibly. The early noughts are a bit hazy.

Fast and Furious 8 is due to begin filming sometime you know… whenever.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT DWAYNE ‘THE ROCK’ JOHNSON

HOLLYWOOD – The amount of nonsense written about Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson – star of such films as The Scorpion King, Journey 2 and Fast and Furious 6 – is frankly irritating.

So let the Studio Exec inject the steroids of truth into the flaccid muscle of weak falsehood that surrounds the abs of wonder.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson got his famous nickname – the Rock – because of his love of the 1996 Michael Bay action picture The Rock starring Sean Connery and with Nicholas Cage. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is a massive devotee of the film, literally building his identity around it and has seen it twice.
Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson did not start out as a professional actor. No. He started his career translating epic Swedish poetry from the middle ages, including a translation of The Chronicle of Duke Erik (Erikskronsikan) which was deemed revolutionary in Swedish medieval epic poetry translation circles. Coincidentally the Rock in Swedish is ‘berget’!
Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is famous in Hollywood for stealing sequels from Brendan Fraser. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has hated Brendan Fraser ever since Brendan Fraser in the Swedish Medieval Literature Review (1998) referred to Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson’s translation of The Chronicle of Duke Erik as ‘merely adequate’. Johnson has stolen The Mummy franchise and the Journey franchise from Fraser, and appeared in Fast and Furious 6 under the mistaken impression that Vin Diesel was Brendan Fraser’s young brother.
Gibraltar is also occasionally known as The Rock, but Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and Gibraltar are unrelated.
To prepare for his role in GI Joe: Retaliation, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson took to sleeping in a cardboard box with a perspex lid, a perfect mock up of the boxes that the toys which serve as the inspiration for this latest art house feature come in. Tilda Swinton has copied this idea for her recent activity at MOMA.

FAST AND FURIOUS 6 WILL NOT FEATURE CARS

HOLLYWOOD – Vin Diesel has spoken for the first time about the new Fast and Furious film which is currently filming and is due out in May next year, and what he said might come as a surprise to fans of the franchise which has taken the car chase movie from the stern gritty social realism of The Cannonball Run and made it lighter, fluffier and more disposable.
The new film – directed by Justin Lin – will feature Diesel alongside Michelle Rodgriguez and Dwayne (Don’t Call me The Rock) ‘The Rock’ Johnson and looks sets to be something of a departure from previous entries if Diesel is to be believed.

Justin said you know what, I’m bored of cars what if we just get rid of them and really break new ground? We all looked like him as if he was crazy but then we thought hell, why not? This shit has been getting old for a while now. So the whole movie – there’s this brief prologue that explains why we can’t use cars – then the rest of the movies takes place on Space Hoppers.

Co-star Alan Alda said, ‘I was looking forward to getting behind the wheel of a car. I’m no spring chicken so when they told me I’d be doing Fast and Furious, I was delighted because I assumed I’d be able to relax. But then all the Space Hopper scenes meant it was more exhausting than ever. Assholes.’

FAST AND FURIOUS 6 WILL NOT FEATURE CARS

Justin said you know what, I’m bored of cars what if we just get rid of them and really break new ground? We all looked like him as if he was crazy but then we thought hell, why not? This shit has been getting old for a while now. So the whole movie – there’s this brief prologue that explains why we can’t use cars – then the rest of the movies takes place on Space Hoppers.