HOLLYWOOD – 20TH Century Fox have confirmed that their reboot of the Fantastic Four will inevitably be subjected to the censors scythe.

“I’m not going to lie to you, it’s an exceptionally dirty movie”, said Fox spokesman Dirk Spiegelman.

Our previous Fantastic Four films were f*cking terrible. I remember showing my eight year old the second one. He asked to go to the bathroom halfway through and we caught him trying to hang himself with his shoelaces. For our children’s sake we can’t afford to make those mistakes again so we gathered a team comprised of some of the most creative and knowledge people in the industry and asked them to answer one simple question. What do people like to watch? Six months and four million dollars later they came up with a definitive answer. Pornography.

Spiegelman went on to say that the cast were at first reluctant to engage in full penetrative sex on camera:

Kate Mara approached me saying she didn’t know what her character’s motivation was for screwing The Thing so I said to her, politely, “Your motivation is the f*cking money I’m paying you so climb aboard that rock monster before I replace you with your God damn sister!” After that little pep talk and a large gin and tonic she stripped off and got down to grinding some brick dust.

According to rumour, a scene featuring a masturbating Galactus cost 40 million dollars alone:

“I cannot confirm or deny that ”, said Spiegelman.

What I can say is that Daniel Day-Lewis is a consummate professional and his take on Galactus is one for the ages.

The Fantastic Four is due for release in 2015.


HOLLYWOOD – Marvel Studios confirmed this morning that Eddie Murphy will star in the upcoming reboot of The Fantastic Four.

Producer Kevin Feige revealed the news on his Twitter page this morning saying he was “Delighted they’d finally got the right man” but in an exclusive interview with The Studio Exec, Feige admitted the pre-production process has been beset with problems.

I’ll be honest, the version we made a few years ago wasn’t great and so we were determined to get it right this time. We’ve had about twenty different writers working on a script and they came up with all kinds of scenarios. One had the team travel back to ancient Egypt and battle a Mummy, then there was The Fantastic Four Vs Dracula and The Fantastic Vs Frankenstein. All good ideas but we thought they lacked originality. My own personal favorite was The Fantastic Four Vs Global Warming. It basically contained lots of scenes of the team destroying China’s industrial sites but the board said the 60 ft Chairman Mao robot that fired laser beams from his eyes was disrespectful and might have an effect on Asian box-office receipts.

Feige went on to say that it was a late night screening of the Murphy classic Coming to America that inspired the final script:

I caught the film on TV one night and I saw Murphy playing all these different characters. Then suddenly it came to me. What if we made the Fantastic Four with Eddie playing the entire team?! It has never been done in a comic book movie so in many ways this is an evolution of the genre.

Murphy will not only take on the roles of Mr Fantastic, The Thing, The Human Torch and The Invisible Woman. He will also be playing their Arch nemesis Doctor Doom, The President of the United States, Galactus, The Silver Surfer, a wise cracking barber, a priest with tourettes syndrome and the legendary Stan Lee.

“Sure he’s got all the main parts but it’s not going to be entirely Eddie’s show,” said Feige.

We’re going to get those two guys from Trading Places to make a cameo. You know Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy. It will be the kind of fun little film reference audiences love.

When The Studio Execinformed Feige that Ameche and Bellamy had sadly passes away many years ago he said it wasn’t an issue.

I got two words for you. CGI Motherf*cker!

Eddie Murphy’s The Fantastic Four will be out in 2015.