HOLLYWOOD – 20TH Century Fox have confirmed that their reboot of the Fantastic Four will inevitably be subjected to the censors scythe.
“I’m not going to lie to you, it’s an exceptionally dirty movie”, said Fox spokesman Dirk Spiegelman.
Our previous Fantastic Four films were f*cking terrible. I remember showing my eight year old the second one. He asked to go to the bathroom halfway through and we caught him trying to hang himself with his shoelaces. For our children’s sake we can’t afford to make those mistakes again so we gathered a team comprised of some of the most creative and knowledge people in the industry and asked them to answer one simple question. What do people like to watch? Six months and four million dollars later they came up with a definitive answer. Pornography.
Spiegelman went on to say that the cast were at first reluctant to engage in full penetrative sex on camera:
Kate Mara approached me saying she didn’t know what her character’s motivation was for screwing The Thing so I said to her, politely, “Your motivation is the f*cking money I’m paying you so climb aboard that rock monster before I replace you with your God damn sister!” After that little pep talk and a large gin and tonic she stripped off and got down to grinding some brick dust.
According to rumour, a scene featuring a masturbating Galactus cost 40 million dollars alone:
“I cannot confirm or deny that ”, said Spiegelman.
What I can say is that Daniel Day-Lewis is a consummate professional and his take on Galactus is one for the ages.
The Fantastic Four is due for release in 2015.