HOLLYWOOD – MCU fans have been given a treat with the surprise announcement a new Letitia Wright Flat Earth movie has been greenlit. In a bold new venture, being funded by Facebook and The Republican Party, the Letitia Wright flat earth film starts filming as soon as Letitia finishes working on Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. The Exec caught up with the star to discuss her new project.
Letitia, Tell Us More About This New Project
Quick, draw those blinds. These bungalow windows are far too big. Satellites could be filming us and listening to our every word. And you know what that means, don’t you? It means Bill fucking Gates and his beady little eyes crawling all over us. Ugh. That creepy motherfucker.
Would You Like To Sit Down Rather Than Pacing Around?
No, I can’t sit still. If I do, they’ll get a fix on me and shoot me with their flying nano-bots. You don’t think they get those things into you just by so-called vaccines, do you? They’re fucking everywhere man. Chariots of the gods, you know what I mean? Look, it’s really easy to follow. They can’t just get us all to take the mind-controlling vaccine. Many have, and believe me, they’ll be sorry, those stupid, pandemic-reducing motherfuckers. But they’re trying to get the nano-bots into the rest of us by invisible drones flying around and dropping their mind control shit onto our food and into our drinks without us even noticing.
Are You Feeling Ok?
That’s what my ex-manager said to me just before I fired her. She was blind to the truth. Just like those bastards at Marvel. That’s why I let them let me finish early on Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. Those mask-wearing sheep couldn’t handle the truth.
Are You Going To Tell Us About This Flat Earth Film Or What?
I’m in it, you piece of shit.
Flat Earth: The Movie Starts Shooting Soon
HOLLYWOOD – Oligarch psychopath, Mark Zuckerberg has confirmed that Paul Schrader downed Facebook with ‘the sheer weight of shitty posts’, that it completely toppled the whole Facebook group of sites. The unpredictable and verbally effluent director, Paul Schrader downed Facebook with a never ending torrent of shit on his page.
Posts on Schrader’s Facebook range from complaining about gay actresses to whining that he’s been kicked out of his online poker group due to ‘cancel culture’. It really is a never ending fountain of shit for anyone who wants to feel better about themselves. But all the fun and ‘schraderfreuder’ (see what we did there?) games came crashing to the ground yesterday when the entire Facebook group closed down for over 6 hours.
Paul Schrader Downs Facebook
After an intense IT investigation period, it was discovered that Facebook had finally reached its shit-post threshold. This was digitally manifested in a reverse Tron-like move where ton after ton of actual shit was generated from the Zuckerberg servers.
Staff at Facebook HQ were unable to enter the building. At first it was believed to be because the security system had also crashed. Later, it was revealed it was down to severe amounts of Schrader’s bullshit behind the doors.
Bringing Out The Shit
Twitter immediately responded by placing a blanket ban on anyone with the name Paul Schrader, Paul, or anyone bemoaning a world where you can’t act like a fucking asshole all the time. Thanks to their quick action, the shit infestation failed to take a grip on the micro-blogging site. Therefore Twitter was left with just a few minor skid-marks.
Zuckerberg was ‘unavailable for comment’ at the time of writing. Unfortunately, we have been plagued by requests from Mr Schrader. He wants us to provide him with another platform to moan about ‘those fucking lesbians’. But we have declined the first few thousand requests of his.
MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT BREAKS
HOLLYWOOD – The movie industry has called on the man who destroyed the music industry to help them ensure the future of the movie industry.
Sean Parker, the man behind Napster, Spotify and the boom in music file sharing and the collapse of the music industry, has now decided to turn his attention to the movies, with his new concept of Screening Room in which people would be able to rent a movie on the day of its cinematic release for $48. Steven Spielberg, Peter Jackson and Ron Howard have already come out in support of the planned widening of distribution methods stating clearly that ‘we don’t like going to the cinema anymore’.
Peter Jackson told the Studio Exec:
Think about it. We go to the cinema and there are queues, it’s smelly and the seats are uncomfortable. This way for the mere price of $48 you can watch the same film on the day of release. $48! The price of a small glass of milk. Actually, I’ll need to fact check that. I haven’t bought milk since the 1970s. I don’t like it.
However, some in the industry are not so enthusiastic, including Christopher Nolan and Quentin Tarantino who believes that films should only be shown via magic lantern shows.
I want to recapture the true beauty of when I used to go to the cinema some time at the turn of the century.
What do you think of Screening Room? Use the comment box below. Actually I don’t really care. But you know… feel free.
HOLLYWOOD – After the enormous critical and commercial success of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Ben Stiller has announced the preproduction of a sequel entitled The Secret Life of Walter Mitty 2: The Facebook Years.
Ben Stiller spoke exclusively to the Studio Exec:
The last Walter Mitty was possibly the best thing I’ve ever done and so when people said can you make another one, I was like, woah! Wait a second. I better have a Cinnabun and think about it. How could I maintain the integrity of the original, the integrity that one only finds wearing my GAP chinos and drinking a bottle of Budweiser? I mean it’s not just something to make money so I can buy a new iPad. Though those iPads are great, aren’t they?
So what decided you?
I got the idea that he worked for Facebook and everything he did related to Walter’s Facebook page and that ten year movie. I spoke to Mark Zuckerberg, though it wasn’t really a conversation.
What do you mean?
Zuckerberg had an assistant cover my naked body in honey and then they all threw balls of ten dollar notes at me.
Yeah. And I was on a bouncy castle I suppose you’d call it, and there was all this money. They had this like wind machine and they blew money at me while I bounced and wept. They did that for three days. And that’s how we’re funding the movie. But don’t worry there were plenty of nutritious Pop Tarts to eat later. Mmmmmmm.
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty 2: The Facebook Years will be released in 2015.
NEW MEXICO – In a surprise move, it was revealed today that long time Alec Baldwin love interest, Twitter has in fact dumped the actor.
The star of 30 Rock, Glengarry Glen Ross and brother to well known popsicle Stephen Baldwin, Alec Baldwin said that the relationship had been in trouble for some time, citing trust issues.
In a final tweet, Twitter commented:
We’ve had our fun, but the outbursts are less sclerotic and the controversy is tired. #AlecBaldwinGoodbye
3:41 PM – 20 Jan 13 · Embed this Tweet
Oddly, Twitter then went onto Facebook to unleash its feelings through a series of status updates which – when they weren’t pornographic – were deeply sad.