SKELETOR TO GET HIS OWN MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Following the massive success of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe in the 1980s, arch-villain Skeletor is to get his own movie.

Frank Langella has announced that his next film will be Skeletor. He told the Studio Exec:

When you get to be my age, you start to look around you and choose your films very carefully. What would you like to be your legacy? What do you regret? What can you fix? When it comes down to it the movie Masters of the Universe was not the hit Mattel or I thought it would be. I know that Dolph was very hard hit by the performance of the film, which wasn’t a flop you understand, but wasn’t the hit we all hoped it would be. I don’t think his career ever really recovered. A light went out in his eyes.

So Skeletor?

Yes, absolutely. I was proud of my performance and I talked to Mattel and we decided let’s revisit it and this time do it right.

But you’re quite older now.

I am and that will be the point. He-Man is dying in Grey Skull and Skeletor sits in Snake Mountain, brooding over his enemy’s imminent demise. He realizes that in many ways the two of them have been friends. They need each other and so Skeletor decides on one last fight to try and save his erstwhile enemy and now his last remaining friend.

Sounds touching.

It’s like the Bucket List, but with swords and magic.  Dolph is very happy with the script. His little eyes lit up like all those dreadful Expendable films had never happened.

Skeletor will be released in 2018.

WOODY ALLEN TAKES OVER EXPENDABLES 4

SUNDANCE – Woody Allen turned up at a surprise Sundance panel to reveal he is to write, direct and star in The Expendables 4, taking over from Sylvester Stallone.

Stallone, who was also in attendance said he would stay on board as an executive producer but added he was delighted to have the 79 year old Jewish comedian take the reigns.

After the panel, Stallone told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

You know how it is, anyone who saw The Expendables 3 can tell that the formula was getting tired, but I still wanted the characters to move on. I got talking to Woody one afternoon because we go to the same chiropodist in New York. Anyway I had these terrible corns and was in the waiting room thinking of how I was going to rescue the franchise and in limped Woody.

Woody Allen takes over the telling of the tale:

I’ve always wanted to do something different; push myself. And the kind of gung-ho action thriller that Sly does is in itself a craft and a craft I’ve yet to learn, so I jumped at the chance. You see a filmmaker is like a shark, if you don’t move forward, you’re Brett Ratner.

Stallone continues:

I knew Woody for a long time. When I was a struggling actor, Woody cast me as a street thug in Bananas. A lot of us young guys got a break from Woody so I thought it was great to pay him back. And the other thing is Woody brings a great sense of humor to everything he does and I think Expendables 4 needs a lighter touch. Expendables 3 was too dark, I think we can all agree on that.

What do you want to do with the story?

WA: I don’t want to change too much. Sly is going to have a cameo where he explains to the guys that I’m taking over. I’m obviously not a muscle man, like Sly or Arnie, so they’re going to call my the Hipster, I’m deadly with a one-liner and a crossbow. I also have these glasses that kind of pull apart and then put back together again as a grenade launcher.

SS: Oh oh. Spoiler Alert.

WA: Oh Jeez. I’m sorry. I can’t believe I said that. Yeah, but then basically explosions, mayhem and an amazing stair lift sequence. It’s like the cable cars in Where Eagles Dare.

The Expendables 4 will be released in 2016.

THE EXPENDABLES DEPLOYED AGAINST ISIS

HOLLYWOOD – President Barack Obama has announced that he is to deploy the Expendables to Iraq to join the offensive against ISIS.

The President said that the force led by Sylvester Stallone would be the first troops on the ground, but as they are a mercenary force the move does not represent the return of a US presence. Stallone said that he was psyched at the opportunity:

Me, Jason Statham and Jet Li are going to lead the men into action for the first time. We’re a multi-national force and we’re all highly trained in weapons use and martial arts. Add to this Dolph Lundgren is classically trained in the Stanislavksi method and Mel Gibson is what we call a Berserker. At first the Studio was dead against our involvement, but after our film The Expendables 3 came out, the Studio changed their line. They must have realized how effective we’d be on the battleground. They couldn’t see us go fast enough.

Jason Statham says that the force will be inserted into the north of the country where the heaviest fighting is taking place. He insisted that:

… we are not there as some kind of entertainment troupe. We are there to fight. Many people criticize actors as just pretending all the time. Well, I can tell you, with these guys there’s very little acting going on. It’s all action.

The Expendables are already on route to Iraq where they will be joined by Mel Gibson who is already fighting at another location in the Middle East.

The Expendables 3 is in cinemas currently or available for illegal download.

 

 

EXPENDABLES 3 FLOPS BECAUSE ‘NOBODY WANTED TO SEE IT’

HOLLYWOOD – New Sylvester Stallone, Kelsey Grammer, Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson, Jason Statham, Ronda Rousey, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren and Wesley Snipes film The Expendables 3 made not as many millions as expected because it is ‘kind of a geriatric vanity project that no one wanted to see.’

Although the first two Expendables films were commercially successful, the hits took the industry by surprise, with audiences responding to the nostalgic thrill of seeing superannuated muscle men from the eighties trying to knock each other silly. Sylvester Stallone decided to go for the trilogy:

I felt that if the first film made money and then the second film made more money, it was obvious to me that the third film would make even more money. I even added Han Solo and Braveheart to the cast, but if anything that seems to have been more of a problem. Luckily Wesley Snipes said he’s going to help us with our tax returns so that we can make more money.

Many industry observers have blamed the appearance of a pirated copy of the film on torrent sites which accidentally revealed how poor the film was before people had paid any money.

Xavier Poulis told Studio Exec:

Usually a rubbish film has the chance of snagging a bundle of money way before anyone realizes how awful it is. But with this pirated copy people were seeing it for free and then warning their friends not to see it. This kind of negative publicity is by far more damaging than the number of tickets unsold because people had already viewed the pirated copy.

Audiences were also put off by the presence of Jason Statham who no one likes.

The Expendables 3 is in cinemas now.

KELSEY GRAMMER GETS SPIN OFF ‘BONAPARTE’ MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Kelsey Grammer to get Expendables spin off movie.

Perhaps one of the more surprising inclusions in The Expendables 3 was the more cerebral casting of Frasier Crane actor Kelsey Grammer in the role of Bonaparte. He was a grizzled old mercenary now organizing black ops.

However the character has proven so popular with audiences and critics alike that Lions Gate have decided to give him his own stand alone film titled Bonaparte.

Grammer said:

I was delighted by the reception that my performance garnered. To be frank, I was an incey-wincey bit preoccupied by how my fellow thespians might respond to my rather more elevated, refined if you will, style. You see Sylvester Stallone is a more instinctive actor than I. Which is fine. However, we worked well together and the ensemble as a whole shone. And yet I do look forward to being allowed to spread my wings in the aforementioned Bonaparte. And really spread my Dedalean wings.

The synopsis reveals:

Bonaparte is a prequel to the blockbusting Expendables series. It features one of the most beloved characters the titular Bonaparte, played by Grammy winning actor Kelsey Grammer, in his own stand alone action packed movie. Bonaparte has just returned from a botched attempt to rescue in the small nation of Africistan. While taking a drink at his favorite Boston drinking hole, he considers changing his name and taking up a career in psychiatry, perhaps on the radio. Of course he’d have to relocate, but he hears Seattle is a place where a man can lose himself and the world. Following a successful stint as a leading radio personality, the terrorists are back on his trail and he once more must disappear this time joining a kind of cartoon circus. Disguised as clown, Bonaparte must once again bide his time, but now with the help of a small yellow boy he will seek to turn the tables on his enemies. Bonaparte will seamlessly blend footage from Grammer’s former TV shows, with new material shot especially for the film in a technique which is being called ‘cheap’.

Bonaparte will be released in 2016. 

 

LEONARD NIMOY JOINS EXPENDABLES 3



HOLLYWOOD – News just in that Leonard Nimoy is joining the cast of Sylvester Stallone’s next meat and potatoes opus Expendables 3. ‘I felt we need some intellectual weight to the piece,’ said Sly. ‘The last film was too flighty and I think Lenny’ll bring some gravitas on your ass.’


Nimoy explained that he was attracted to the role Spack, because it gave him an opportunity to show his range. 
‘I’ve always wanted to do a big gristly action movie and this is my chance,’ said the Star Trek actor and author of popular baby care manuals from the seventies. ‘There is a scene in the script where Sly and our group are trying to land a helicopter on the top of a pine tree while firing improvised rocket launchers at the MIGs flying overhead, and I turn to Sly and I raise one eyebrow and I say “This is illogical”. It is pure magic.’
For a full update on the rest of the cast CLICK HERE

The Expendables 3 will be out before you die, unless you’re going to die soon.