WOODY ALLEN TAKES OVER EXPENDABLES 4

SUNDANCE – Woody Allen turned up at a surprise Sundance panel to reveal he is to write, direct and star in The Expendables 4, taking over from Sylvester Stallone.

Stallone, who was also in attendance said he would stay on board as an executive producer but added he was delighted to have the 79 year old Jewish comedian take the reigns.

After the panel, Stallone told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

You know how it is, anyone who saw The Expendables 3 can tell that the formula was getting tired, but I still wanted the characters to move on. I got talking to Woody one afternoon because we go to the same chiropodist in New York. Anyway I had these terrible corns and was in the waiting room thinking of how I was going to rescue the franchise and in limped Woody.

Woody Allen takes over the telling of the tale:

I’ve always wanted to do something different; push myself. And the kind of gung-ho action thriller that Sly does is in itself a craft and a craft I’ve yet to learn, so I jumped at the chance. You see a filmmaker is like a shark, if you don’t move forward, you’re Brett Ratner.

Stallone continues:

I knew Woody for a long time. When I was a struggling actor, Woody cast me as a street thug in Bananas. A lot of us young guys got a break from Woody so I thought it was great to pay him back. And the other thing is Woody brings a great sense of humor to everything he does and I think Expendables 4 needs a lighter touch. Expendables 3 was too dark, I think we can all agree on that.

What do you want to do with the story?

WA: I don’t want to change too much. Sly is going to have a cameo where he explains to the guys that I’m taking over. I’m obviously not a muscle man, like Sly or Arnie, so they’re going to call my the Hipster, I’m deadly with a one-liner and a crossbow. I also have these glasses that kind of pull apart and then put back together again as a grenade launcher.

SS: Oh oh. Spoiler Alert.

WA: Oh Jeez. I’m sorry. I can’t believe I said that. Yeah, but then basically explosions, mayhem and an amazing stair lift sequence. It’s like the cable cars in Where Eagles Dare.

The Expendables 4 will be released in 2016.

HOLLYWOOD TO INTRODUCE COMPULSORY DOPE TESTS

HOLLYWOOD – The Producer’s Guild today welcomed news that an industry wide dope testing authority – similar to that used in competitive sport – is going to be introduced in the Fall.

The Entertainment Industry Controlled Substances Agency will be self-funded by contributions from the studios it will regulate and will carry out random drugs tests, as well as annual mandatory tests to anyone currently involved in the film making and television business.

Matt Hoebord of the Producers Guild said:

For too long have people been taking drugs willfully and gaining an advantage on those of us who prefer clean living and Christian values. If we could take away Oscars retrospectively from those who made them films on drugs, the winners’ board would look a lot different. The Wizard of Oz for instance…!? 

 Although some voiced concern about a breach in civil liberties and even the death of certain Hollywood traditions such as driving while smoking a crack pipe along Sunset Boulevard, the news has largely been welcomed. Charlie Sheen said:
This is really going to take the pressure off. The film making and TV shows and what not really bite into your drug schedule. This way, I’ll be able to devote my time doing what I love without distraction. And being doing what I love I mean ‘winning’.
Answering critics who said the new authority will stifle creativity Hoebard replied:

A similar authority has been up and running in the music industry since the late eighties and no one, no one has noticed a drop of quality in… the … okay wait that’s a bad example. 

Lance Armstrong – who was set to star in Expendables 4 – issued a two word press release:

F*ck sandwich. 

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BRUCE WILLIS AND SYLVESTER STALLONE MARRY

SAN FRANCISCO – In a surprise twist following recent contretemps, Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis have got married, taking advantage of recent changes in the marriage laws. 

After something that was like a tiff about Expendables 3, the Testosterone Twins decided to get hitched having got a lot of tension out through what they called ‘physical exertion’.
Stallone said on the court steps in front of an audience of friends and Jean Claude Van Damme:

We had been tussling for some time, but then the tussling, and fighting soon turned to slapping, then wrestling and then that turned into something a bit more serious and then… well Jesus Christ. What do you want? Pictures?   

To the resounding shout of YES! the happy couple demurred.  

The Expendables 4 will be released in 2015.