STAR WARS FANDOM IS NOT RACIST

HOLLYWOOD – Following shocking reports of Obi-Wan Kenobi’s Moses Ingram being bombarded with racist abuse, fans of the franchise insisted Star Wars fandom is not racist. We spoke to a source within the Star Wars fandom community, who for some reason, wanted to remain anonymous.

Can You Explain Why Star Wars Fandom Isn’t Racist? Because It Kind OF Seems That Way From The Outside.

I want this to be anonymous. Is my face blacked out? Oh, actually I don’t mean blacked. I mean… oh Christ! And, and not just Christ, Allah also. And the Jewish one, but that might be Christ also. He was king of the jews, wasn’t he? Is there an atheist equivalent? Dawkins, Stephen Fry or Carl Sagan? Oh shit. What was the question again?

This Is A Written Interview, Nobody Will See Your Face.

Thank goodness for that. I can’t say too much. I’m risking everything just talking to you.

Why Is That?

Why?! Some of those guys, because let’s face it, they’re gonna be guys, are fucking crazy man. As long we’re all hating the same things they hate, everything is sweet. But as soon as you differ a parsec from what they love or hate (there’s no in-between), they will hunt you down to the farthest reaches of the outer rim. And by that I mean Facebook.

To Be Honest, It Doesn’t Sound Like A Very Friendly Community.

You know, it used to be great. We’d all rank our favorite bounty hunters or talk about how to pronounce Gamorrean. But then, the prequels came out and Jar-Jar happened. That’s when things got ugly. I blame Jar-Jar. But we all eventually got over that and we had a new trilogy to look forward to. And in the trailer, they gave us that shot of John Boyega. And then Kelly Marie Tran happened.

Sounds To Me Like You Have A Problem With People Of Color And Women Who Aren’t White?

Yeah? Well, think what you want buddy. But I know we can all agree that Darth Vader is cool as fuck… and white.

You Do Know James Earl Jones Is Black, Don’t You?

He’s what?

Get Out Of Here You Racist Piece Of Shit.

Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Currently Streaming On Disney+

RECONSIDERED – THE PHANTOM MENACE

REVIEW – Time can be a great healer as paradigms and perceptions change. People age and mellow as tastes develop and evolve. What were once forgettable mediocrities upon release are often now viewed as classics of their time. And so we reconsidered The Phantom Menace. George Lucas’s prequel trilogy starter now has the reputation of an unpolish-able turd. But is that summation fair? The Exec reconsidered The Phantom Menace with an open mind and a blank slate.

Reconsidered – The Phantom Menace… Still Shit, It Is

Jesus Christ. Just imagine if George had opened with this one back in the 70s. It makes Star Crash look like Tarkovsky’s Stalker. Even the opening crawl manages to be so dull, reading it aloud could dehydrate fruit within a 30 yard radius. Who gives a shit about taxation trade routes? A long time ago, in an administration center far, far away.

At Best, Questionable Is Your Racial Stereotyping

Ok, so the Trade Federation guys aren’t that great in terms of progressing the franchise’s racial stereotyping images. But let’s gloss over that and move on. I’m sure George Lucas wont have any other characters that are racist- oh my, Jar-Jar has just arrived. Sweet Jesus, this is difficult to watch. Even if you ignore the god-awful attempts at physical comedy. I’m pretty sure you can see the moment Ewan McGregor realizes how bad this all is. Something in his eyes dies the first times he looks up at Jar-Jar. It’s probably about the same time he remembers he’s signed on for all 3 films and it’ll take more than a Jedi mind trick to get him out of his contract.

More Gungans. Embarrassed, Are We

Dear lord. Let me follow Boba Fett into the Sarlaac pit. It wont be as painful as having to watch this Gungun sequence again. This is what happens when a white, middle aged billionaire has nobody to say no to him or even question their decisions. This is how we now have Elon Musk. I blame you entirely George.

Watch More Of This Crap, I Can’t

At least Darth Maul is a very cool and genuinely threatening villain. I can’t wait to see how his character and story develops over the trilogy. Oh. What a sh *t kicker.

Watched The Phantom Menace Did We, So Have To, You Do Not. Welcome, Are You.

THE MAKING OF TRAINSPOTTING

HOLLYWOOD – In the latest in our celebrated Making of… series, we look at the behind the scenes drama that went into the making of Danny Boyle’s cult hit Trainspotting.

Pre-Production

Danny Boyle first read Irvine Welsh’s novel while in hospital having a tennis ball removed:

I’d been playing a doubles match with Alec Baldwin, Ridley Scott and Helen Mirren and boy does she have a powerdriver of a serve!  I’d heard this book was great but I thought that I hated anything to do with Wales and the hobby of trainspotting seemed a dull subject to approach cinematically. Little did I know that Welsh was actually Scottish and Trainspotting was actually about heroin. Ewan McGregor and Robert Carlyle were already on board and once the tennis ball was out I was raring to go.

Production

Ewan McGregor describes the process:

Filming often is very glamorous but I’m afraid Trainspotting was just as grim as it looked. Not only was it cold and our surroundings were often ugly but some of the cast were less than friendly. I had to do a series of films with a dead baby and Jesus the baby who played the dead baby was one of the most arrogant and self-involved people I’ve had the misfortune to work with. As for the infamous toilet scene… Danny thought it would be hilarious if everyone contributed to the set decoration, if you know what I mean. It wouldn’t be so bad but we delayed the shoot because of an electrical fault and this was the hottest July in recorded history.

Post-production

Irvine Welsh had a say on the music:

The music was very important to me and I had written the book with a playlist in mind. I was very into the Spice Girls at that period as well as Take That and New Kids on the Block, but no one wanted to hear me. Even to this day I can still hear some of those songs when I watch the film. Danny decided they didn’t go and he put the music in place. I was furious at the time, but I think in the end he was probably right.

For more of The Making of… CLICK HERE.

 

MAN COMPLAINS TRAINSPOTTING 2 TRAILER RUINED HIS EARLY 20S

EDINBURGH – The trailer for Trainspotting 2 dropped today causing a storm of protest with many men complaining that the prospect of the new film ruined memories of their young adulthood.

Danny Boyle’s follow-up to Trainspotting has been eagerly awaited for over four hundred years, but the trailer caused disappointment as Ewan McGregor’s Renton invoked an all too predictable rant about Instagram and Facebook like some sort of Jeremy Clarkson type. Jimmy Spaggs led the complaints:

The original Trainspotting was very important for me and my pals. It got me into heroin. What with the Lou Reed song, overdosing looked great. Then shagging school girls and stealing from your pals, what more could you want? But this new film everyone looks old and tired. Old Ben Kenobi does his best, but there are all these shots that recall the original and it doesn’t do either film any favors. It’s put me right off drugs. I guess I’ll have to go onto crack now.

Trainspotting 2 will be released in 2017.

ALEC GUINNESS WILL NOT BE IN THE FORCE AWAKENS

HOLLYWOOD – It will be a disappointment to many, but today it was revealed that Alec Guinness will not return to his role as Obi Wan Kenobi in the new film Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

Alec Guinness played Obi Wan Kenobi in the very first Star Wars has been a great favorite of fans, reappearing as a ghost in Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, but J.J. Abrams in a video interview for Hollywood Reporter revealed that Guinness would not be in Episode 7: The Force Awakens.

Abrams explained, responding to a question from Steve Guttenberg:

I’m afraid we won’t have Obi Wan Kenobi back. Although Ewan MacGregor has been eager, persistent, some might even say borderline stalkery, we just didn’t feel the character would real fit in with our universe and our take on where we wanted to go. As for Alec Guinness, sadly Alec passed away in 2000.

However, some fan sites have reacted with disappointment and anger at the decision. ManyBothansDied.net published a scathing post that went so far as to call for a boycott and dismissed Abrams’ ‘reasons’ as bogus.

Obi Wan Kenobi as played by Alec Guinness is an essential element to the Star Wars mythos and should be included. As for Mr. Guinness being dead, sharp-eyed fans will notice that so is Kenobi in Empire and Jedi. Far from impossible to have the deceased Guinness play the role, if anything, it would be typecasting! I’m sure his ghost would be more than happy to alleviate the tedium of the afterlife with an opportunity to be part of the most successful, Science Fiction/Fantasy franchise in the history of the world.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be released in December, 2015. For more on Star Wars click here.

EWAN MCGREGOR ‘SECOND COMING OF CHRIST’

HOLLYWOOD – Following his recent ordination into the Catholic church (CLICK HERE to read more), Ewan McGregor has been fast tracked from priest to actual messiah.

The former Pillow Book star, Ewan McGregor was revealed to be the Second Coming of Christ during the filming of his new film Last Days in the Desert.

Co-star Ciaran Hinds told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY of how the final Revelation was revealed:

Everyone on the shoot was touched by what they saw. At first I thought Ewan was employing the method, he was sermonizing and talking in parables constantly – though a lot of it was about motorcycles – but then when the catering truck didn’t turn up on the seventh day, Ewan found a can of tuna and some crackers and somehow managed to whip up enough food to feed everyone. There weren’t five thousand, but still it was both impressive and delicious.

Although some have doubted the veracity of the miracles attributed to Ewan McGregor, Pope Francis himself seems to be convinced. Speaking at the Vatican, he told a delegation from Scotland:

In my opinion, Father Ewan McGregor has very many similarities with Jesus Christ. Jesus, you’ll remember, was crucified and died for our sins, but then on the third day he rose again. Ewan McGregor appeared in Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, but now he has made yet another film, rising in a very literal/metaphorical way from the dead. Coincidence? This pope [pointing at himself with both thumbs] don’t think so.

The Last Days in the Desert will be released later in 2015 and Father Ewan will be hearing confession from three o’clock on Sunday.

 

EWAN MCGREGOR JOINS PRIESTHOOD

ROME – Ewan McGregor revealed today that in a secret ceremony earlier that week he had taken orders as a Catholic priest.

The 41 year old actor will abandon his family and move into a seminary where he will study for a year before undertaking missionary work, possibly in Africa. Ewan McGregor told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I was never that good an actor. And recently I’ve been unbelievably bad at choosing scripts. When I was doing Angels and Demons – another stinker by the way – Ron Howard said me that I looked great dressed like that. He said the cassock really suited me. And that got me thinking.

But what does Father Ewan think of the Catholic church’s stance on Gay marriage and abortion?

Do they have any stances on those issues? I don’t know about all that. I just love the clothes really. I like the way when I walk down the stone flagged aisles of the church it makes a lovely swishing sound. As for transubstantiation of the Eucharist and the reality of the Holy Ghost, I’ve been acting against green screen for years so I can sell any bullshit.  

 The Impossible will be Fr. Ewan McGregor’s final film.

ALEC GUINNESS’ GHOST HAUNTS GEORGE LUCAS

SAN FRANSCICO – An emotional George Lucas admitted today the real reason for selling the Star Wars franchise to Disney: ‘I’ve been haunted by the ghost of Alec Guinness.’

The Howard the Duck director added that the haunting began shortly after the release of Attack of the Clones.

‘He would hover over my shoulder and in that clear British accent he would deliver the crudest insults and chip away at my self-confidence,’ Lucas sobbed. ‘Even when I was with other people, he’d appear at my shoulder dressed as Obi Wan Kenobi and he’d just say “You’re shit, you’re shit, you’re shit” until it all became one word.’

Lucas at first suspected that the ghost was an illusion created by disgruntled employees at ILM but Ewan McGregor had also experienced the haunting. ‘At first I was terrified,’ the Scottish ‘actor’ famed for his inexplicable ability to choose poor scripts said. ‘But then it just got boring. Alec was always having a go at my accent. He’d mutter, “sounds nothing like me” even when I was doing a scene.’

Lucas finally gave up and sold Star Wars to Disney earlier this year. ‘He still haunts me,’ says Lucas. ‘But he’s much less offensive and he even said some kind things about Red Tails.’

Ewan McGregor has since become a priest.