Another day, another Ezra Miller story dominates the Hollywood news sites. Finally, the Warner Bros board meet to discuss the fate of their ailing DC tentpole movie, The Flash. The Studio Exec has the inside scoop on what went on behind the closed boardroom doors.
Warner Bros Board Meet To Discuss The Flash
At a secret location in Griffith Park, suspiciously close to Los Angeles Zoo, the Warner Bros Board meet to discuss the fate of The Flash. The finest bananas money could buy were shipped in especially. And with some of the world’s most prominent designers of tyre swings and tricycles on retainer at the Hollywood studio, rumors of an emergency board meeting were rife in Tinsel town.
Warner Bros Quit Monkeying Around
Some of the studio’s most powerful Simians were there. CEO and King Of The Swingers, King Louie chaired the meeting. CFO and disturbingly blonde Dr. Zaius from the original Planet Of The Apes talked at length about risk aversion, tax write-offs and strategies for reducing net losses. His strategies didn’t appear that popular amongst the majority of the board, who threw their shit at him.
Right Turn Clyde
Clyde from Every Which Way But Loose proposed a motion to blow raspberries and give everyone the finger while eating Ma’s Oreo cookies. And King Kong wanted the whole operation moved to The Empire State Building in Manhattan for some reason.
My God, It’s Full Of Assholes
At one point, the board nearly came to a decision as to what the hell they’re going to do with The Flash and particularly the Ezra Miller situation. Unfortunately, before a vote could be taken, King Louie stole a banana from 2001: A Space Odyssey’s Moonwatcher. The Stanley Kubrick missing link sci-fi star beat the shit out of the beloved Jungle Book Orangutan with a bone. The board then agreed to reconvene at another time, once they’ve all finished picking and grubs from each other’s backs.
The Flash Is Still Set To Be Released in 2023
HOLLYWOOD – Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall Clint Eastwood.
Over the years I’ve come to regard young Clint Eastwood as the son I never had. He reminds me so much of my own children when they were growing up: ‘shut up, stop telling me what to do, you’re not my real Dad!’ He even forgets my birthday!
But despite all of that I’m as proud as punch of young Clint.
I first met him more moons ago than I care to remember when I was a guest star on his smash hit TV series Rawhide. Gabby Hayes had dropped out at the last minute because he’d recently bought a new couch and had to wait in for it to be delivered so I filled in as the grizzled prospector.
|Myself and Clint (right)
It all went very well apart from one regrettable incident when I set fire to Clint’s poncho, and from that day to this the bond between us has never been broken. Occasionally the fates have conspired against us, like when Lee Marvin replaced me in Paint Your Wagonbecause I got the hiccups trying to sing Wandrin’ Star, but the good times have more than made up for the bad. The picture that most people remember our inimitable double act for was Every Which Way But Loose. I starred as Clint’s comedy sidekick Clyde, and it was actually my idea to wear the gorilla suit.
There was one scene I just couldn’t get right, and after accidentally pouring petrol over Sondra Locke for the seventeenth time Clint yelled ‘for Christ’s sake Edwin, it’d be easier to use a trained monkey!’ Well! We just fell about laughing.
When I rang him to say that I was unavailable for the sequel because Ernest Borgnine was taking me go-karting, Clint said that was alright because they’d actually decided to use a trained monkey anyway.
I thought he was very good, but apparently the monkey fell out with Geoffrey Lewis after getting caught cheating at Monopoly.
But that’s another story…
HOLLYWOOD – In his ongoing campaign to undermine Hollywood via an onslaught of so-so work, Sean Penn has signed on for the remake of the Clint Eastwood orangutan/bare knuckle boxing comedy Every Which Way But Loose.
Penn is set to play Clyde, teaming up with his old We’re No Angels pal Robert De Niro who will be punching below his weight once more as an aging Philo Beddoe. Clint Eastwood will take over duties behind the camera.
It’s territory I’ve wanted to go back to for sometime, but the script has never quite been there. Then De Niro came to me with a spec script David O. Russell had written during breaks on American Hustle. At first I was cautious. Frankly, I was wary of asking an actor of Mr. De Niro’s stature to prance around with Sean Penn dressed as a monkey for laughs. Then I saw Grudge Match and any such qualms were put to rest. It’s f*cking Shakespeare by comparison.
Penn has been training with Andy Serkis in preparation for the role. ‘He’s been living with us for about six months,’ said a bemused Serkis. ‘I’m not sure why.’
Every Which way but Loose will begin shooting in June.