LOST RIVER FREE WITH A HAPPY MEAL

HOLLYWOOD – Ryan Gosling’s Lost River is to be distributed via the McDonald’s fast food chain with the purchase of a Happy Meal.

The movie, which stars Christina Hendricks, Iain De Caestecker and Eva Mendes, debuted at Cannes to widespread critical disdain. The Studio Exec saw it there and has to say it wasn’t that bad. Just David Lynch for people who haven’t seen David Lynch and like music videos.

However, the studio Warner Bros have decided not to risk a critical and commercial shellacking and instead have collaborated with McDonald’s to create an alternative method of distribution. Anyone buying a Happy Meal will receive a DVD and free digital download of the film. A spokesperson for the company said:

We are delighted to offer Ryan Gosling a platform to realize his vision and bring it to a broader public. Everyone loves Ryan Gosling. He’s so adorable. I could just watch him all day. I don’t even care if the film is crap, like Gangster Squad.

But he isn’t in the film?

Isn’t he?

No, he’s the director. And to be honest it isn’t exactly suitable for kids.

It’s not? Are you sure?

No, it’s quite gruesome.

Oh. But then again so are our Happy Meals! Ha ha ha! No actually don’t print that. I’ll do it again. Perhaps we should have watched it. Jeez Louise, what have I gone and done now? Well, hey ho, as we say at McDonald’s.

Lost River is freely available from all participating outlets.

DARREN ARONOFSKY CONFIRMS NOAH PREQUEL

NEW YORK – During an interview at the New York Film Festival, Darren Aronofsky told the journalists that he intended to film a prequel to his hit film Noah, provisionally titled Genesis.

Although Aronofsky said the production was in its early stages he did confirm that Adam Driver and Eva Mendez are going to play Adam and Eve, and that they’ll be tempted in the garden of Eden by Russell Brand.

Darren Aronofsky told assembled members of the world press and the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The only reason I want to do it is because people have told me its a stupid idea. I did the same thing when they told me a film about ballerinas was a non-starter. They said hiring Mickey Rourke to play a wrestler would be a disaster. They even said that Hugh Jackman trying to cure death via magic mushrooms would not be a popular movie. Okay, they were right with the last one, but this has hit written all over it. Also to keep the consistency of names that I’ve got going in the cast, I’ve also got Genesis to agree to provide the soundtrack.

 

Genesis: The Invisible Touch will be released in early Spring of 2016.