NEW YORK – The week after announcing the world’s sexiest woman – Mila Kunis (?) – Esquire have now declared the world’s sexiest man: Steve Buscemi.
Usually the editors would use a panel of women to decide on who to bestow the ‘World’s most prestigious honor’ but the results in the past have always left the male readership dissatisfied, disgruntled and overly pressured and so this year, in a break with tradition, the editor’s allowed a panel of male experts to vote. They took into account such factors as ‘Is he taller than me?’ and ‘Who do I think of to delay orgasm?’ and came up with a short list that included Robin Williams, Jack Black and Max Von Sydow.
Unlike ‘The World’s Sexiest Woman’ Mila Kunis, Buscemi will not be appearing on the cover, or doing a three minute black and white promo video looking sulky in a lacy bra. The news was announced at three o clock this morning and it is believed Mr Buscemi will not be told.
NEW YORK – Esquire magazine have just crowned Mila Kunis the sexiest woman alive, and her title is backed up by 100% certain scientific fact.
Scientists – who had been dicking around at Cern colliding something or other or in lab coats looking for a cancer cure – were yanked off their jobs by the big knobs on the Esquire and set to a more important task ‘finding the sexiest woman alive.’
Jankis Caddelplant told Studio Exec:
We gathered a data base of every woman in the planet between the ages of 18 and well, it had to be every woman so up until they die basically. Then we compared a series of criteria like ripe melons and cute pert buttocks and big innocent eyes. We took away points for things like visible tumours and rickets, amputations, malnutrition, clinical obesity, obesity, muffin tops, chicken wings and being on the point of death. Mila Kunis scored the highest.
Kunis herself claimed her victory didn’t mean anything and if it did mean something it was probably about the victory of female empowerment and Pussy Riot or you know, stuff.
‘When those Suffering Jets chained themselves to the railings, it was so girls like me could be photographed in skimpy underwear in black and white, giggling and then looking cross,’ 29 year old Kunis said.