EDWARD NORTON AND ERIC BANA HELD OVER RUFFALO BULLYING

NEW YORK – Actors Edward Norton and Eric Bana have been arrested by the New York Police Department after a nasty incident of Mark Ruffalo bullying, which initial reports suggested the involvement of both name calling and light physical damage.

According to a police source: 

The suspects approached Mr. Ruffalo while he was fixing his bicycle to some park railings near MoMa. They began chanting, ‘You wouldn’t like it when we get angry’ over and over again. And then pushed him around and tore his clothing. 

Mr. Norton was particularly insistent, according to one bystander, that ‘they go dark’, but fortunately a thirteen year old school girl intervened and chased the actors off. The attacks on Mr. Ruffalo began last yearbut have increased in seriousness and frequency. 
‘I used to get phone calls in the middle of the night,’ Mark Ruffalo told us. ‘I could tell it was Bana because he was always trying to do that generic American accent he uses and it’s so unconvincing. But more recently it got serious and they often sneak into my house and put meat derivatives into my vegetarian casserole.’ 

The motives behind the attacks is and remains a mystery.

Mark Ruffalo will be appearing in the Gruffalo in 2015. 

5 ROLES THAT DESTROYED ACTORS

HOLLYWOOD – Actors are only as good as the roles they inhabit. But some actors have their careers capsized by a role.

It might not be a bad role. It might even be a very good role. But it is a role from which their careers might take some time to recover.

1. Jack Nicholson – Jack Torrance: We already has mad Jack with McMurphy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, but Nicholson’s collaboration with Kubrick, fixed the actor in the popular imagination as wild man Jack, a fusion of the popular perception of the actor and his increasingly stereotyped roles. The Witches of Eastwick, Wolf and the Joker were all to follow.

2. Naomi Watts – Princess Diana: Naomi Watts broke into films with her wonderful performance in Mulholland Drive. Ever since then, she has veered from art house fare, including Haneke’s remake of Funny Games to bone crushing stupidity such as King Kong. Her lead role in Diana will probably be seen (hopefully) as the nadir of her career, with the Kiwi actress having to utter lines such as ‘Can a heart really break?’ to her heart surgeon boyfriend.

3. Eddie Murphy – Donkey: The problem with Eddie Murphy’s voice talent performance in the Shrek franchise is the fact it set the bar too high for all his visible roles. The fact that a stupid/smart ass ass outshone every other performance for two decades painfully revealed that this once great stand up comic had become mired in tasteless children’s fare, or vaguely superior children’s fare.

4. Eric Bana – Chopper: The brilliant début of this undoubtedly talented actor was also a moment that both made and ruined his career. With expectations raised so high, Bana would go on to star in films by Ang Lee, Steven Spielberg, Joe Wright and Ridley Scott, but he would consistently prove to be underwhelming, not once creating a character as belligerently unforgettable as the true life crime antagonist of the Andrew Dominik film.

5. Cameron Diaz – Jenny Everdeane: prior to being cast in Martin Scorsese’s Gangs of New York Cameron Diaz was a fine comic actress. Well, okay-ish. But her utter unsuitability as the Nineteenth Century former model turned actress turned prostitute in slum town New York, not only ruined that film but also jinxed her career and she went from adorable wit to annoying wart in the space of a slap.   

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EDWARD NORTON REVEALS WHY HE LEFT HULK

HOLLYWOOD – Troublesome actor and the not incredible per se Hulk, Edward Norton has announced his retirement from film acting in order to concentrate on developing ever more effective anti-virus software.

The Fight Club organizer said:

It started off as a hobby really. I was a dabbler, writing stuff that detected malware, eliminated Trojans and blocked pop ups. Pretty soon I was providing tools to scan and clean up your registry and supply back up. Before I knew it, the whole thing was industry standard. And so it came to me, do I want to make The Hulk 2 or do I want to throw myself body and soul into the world of Anti-Virus software?

Fan Josephine Applebury expressed dismay:

Edward Norton is what we had before Tom Hiddleston turned up. He’s the dangerous wimp for women who need someone to proof read a bi-annual report or make them a stir fry. And to think he’s gone into anti-virus software writing just shows the depth of his soul. We will miss him. I swear to God.

However, he won’t be the first actor who has turned his back on fame to work in the trenches of computer programming. The once mediocre Orlando Bloom is now spending every waking minute on producing a version of Free Cell that will waste even more time. Norton’s not even the first Hulk to do so. Eric Bana abandoned a flagging film acting career in order to develop the voice activated software which later became Siri used by Apple on their iPad and iPhone.

Whether Norton decision is final, or he is Soderbergh-ing remains to be seen, but one thing is sure, wherever there is a virus or invasive piece of software, Ed Norton will be right behind it holding a claw-headed hammer.

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