SCRIPT LEAK: THE FORCE AWAKENS

HOLLYWOOD – The script for the new episode of Star Wars: The Force Awakens leaked onto the internet today and we are publishing an EXCLUSIVE extract.

INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON – DAY

Chewbacca and Han Solo enter the Millennium Falcon.

     HAN SOLO

Chewie, we’re home!

     CHEWBACCA

MWAARHHH!

     HAN SOLO

I’ll put the kettle on. Have we got biscuits?

INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON KITCHENETTE – DAY

Han Solo hunts for biscuits. They’re in the bottom cupboard.

     HAN SOLO

It’s so good that we’re done with the adventures and all that.  No Death Star to blow up. No Empire to defeat.  I’ve got a good feeling about this.

Chewbacca puts his slippers on.

     CHEWBACCA

MWARRRAAAHOOOHH.

     HAN SOLO

You can say that again buddy.

INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON LOUNGE – DAY

Chewbacca and Han Solo recline on La-Z-Boys sipping cocoa and nibbling on ginger snaps.

     HAN SOLO

I mean adventures, shooting storm troopers, getting frozen in carbon, captured by Ewoks. How are your English lessons coming on?

     CHEWBACCA

Splendid.

     HAN SOLO
You should speak English more.

     CHEWBACCA

And forget my Wookie heritage? No thank  you.

HAN SOLO
Fair Point.

A hologram of Princess Leia appears on the table.

PRINCESS LEIA

Help me Han Solo. You’re my only hope.

HAN SOLO

Oh hey Leia.

PRINCESS LEIA

Can you pick up the kids? I know I’d said I’d go but …

HAN SOLO
Must I do everything myself? Why can’t their Uncle Luke go?

PRINCESS LEIA

And you know how Luke has the Force, his father had it, his mother had it, his sister (that’s me) has it… Anyway, loads of us have it.

HAN SOLO

Okay!?

PRINCESS LEIA

Well, you know how the Force sometimes goes to sleep?

HAN SOLO
First I’ve heard about it.

PRINCESS LEIA

Well, the force is asleep basically so I can’t pick the kids up, neither can Luke, Dad can’t because he’s … well… dead.

HAN SOLO

Okay, so I’ll go and pick them up because I don’t have the Force.

PRINCESS LEIA

Right.

HAN SOLO

And this is like all this week?

PRINCESS LEIA

Until the Force awakens, yep. A week tops.

Princess Leia hangs up.

HAN SOLO

Okay Chewie, looks like we’re doing the school run.

CHEWBACCA

MWAAARRRRAAHHAHH!

HAN SOLO

You’re right. It does suck balls.

THE END

5 FACTS WE LEARNED FROM THE NEW FORCE AWAKENS TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – Here are 5 five things we learned from the new Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens Trailer.

The Studio Exec FACT squad has been on red alert all day watching the new The Force Awakens trailer on a loop and we have detected a disturbance in the FACTS. We’ve turned off our targeting computers and can now safely say: may the FACTS be with you.

1. It looks almost certain that Harrison Ford is going to participate in the new Star Wars film. How they kept this a secret is still a mystery, but brilliantly done J.J. Abrams! Now, there has been some discussion as to who Harrison Ford will play, with some thinking him a shoo-in for his old role of Han Solo, but there’s always a chance that Mark Hamill will play Solo and Harrison Ford will play Luke Skywalker – just like the switcheroo in the last Abrams’ directed Star Trek film.

2. Harrison Ford is definitely not playing Chewbacca, who you can see in the final shot standing right next to him. It looks like Chewbacca will be entirely CGI this time round, which will come as a relief to all of us who thought there were far too many real people in the Prequels. Carrie Fisher has been CGI for the last five years in preparation for the role.

3. There will be light sabres. A bit of a shocker here. Given this film is set some years on from the end of Return of the Jedi, many of us were hoping that the old fashioned weaponry of the Jedi would have been updated to something more fancy. Rather than a light sword, what about a light gun?

4. R2D2 is now a father. His son is a cheeky little devil and I imagine the inspiration comes from the old Scooby and Scrappy cartoon which George Lucas has gone on record as calling the ‘fountainhead of everything I do’. Along with Joseph Campbell.

5. Everyone Luke Skywalker knows is strong in the force. As his voice over states, ‘The Force runs strong in my family. My father had it, I have it, my sister has it, you have it…’ The you is obviously me, because I was watching the trailer when he said it and there was no one else there, so I’ll be turning off my targeting computer and destroying Death Stars before you can say ‘Those are not the FACTS we were looking for.’

 For more FACTS click HERE.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT STAR WARS EPISODE 7

LONDON – Everyone is looking forward to actually seeing J.J. Abrams’ Star Wars: Episode 7 but what about a load of FACTS from a galaxy far far away? What? Yes? Well okay then.

May the FACTS be with you!

1. The film will take place entirely on the forest moon Endor and all the characters will be Ewoks except for one who will be a Gungan.

Continue reading “5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT STAR WARS EPISODE 7”

C-3PO CROWNED KING OF BELGIUM

BRUSSELS – In a move that has been coming for some time and surprised no one C-3PO, humanoid cyborg and protocol droid has been crowned King of Belgium.

The small European country has long adored C-3PO and the far right party – the Volky Volky Bang Bang – has spared no effort to bring about C-3PO’s coronation, including the ousting of present King, Albert the Second.


The VVBB spokesman Pierre La Glue commented:

C-3PO is Belgian. That much is obvious. We are tri-lingual, speaking French, German and Flemish, and King Threepio is adept at over one hundred forms of communication. He is a protocol droid and we in Belgium adore protocol. And he hates black people and we at the VVBB believe they should be DRIVEN INTO THE SEA!!!

The move was however not welcomed by everyone. Prime Minister Elio di Rupo said it ‘was all a bunch of silliness’ and his Belgian Socialist Party released a statement which reads:

C-3PO is a well known bigot and a Holocaust denier. He believes that children should be used as slaves and his sexual politics are, well, from another planet. Not to mention he is a coward. What we at the BSP want to know is why Chewbacca was not even on the shortlist? His love of mayonnaise is the stuff of Wookie legend. And he has none of these reprehensible racial politics which go back to his upbringing on the slave planet of Tatooine. 

However, despite these dissenting voices, the atmosphere in Brussels this morning was quietly jubilant and police were expecting crowds of from thirteen to twenty six people to line the procession route. Some seasoned Star Wars watchers say that the participation of King C-3PO is now in doubt for Episode 7, others seemed confused by the question and seemed unaware that Belgium even existed.