NASA BRAND ARONOFKSY’S NOAH ‘INACCURATE’

HOUSTON – After the furore over Gravity, NASA have weighed in again on the accuracy of Darren Aronofsky’s new Biblical epic, Noah starring Russell Crowe and Anthony Hopkins.

Following a special preview of the film, NASA took the unusual step of writing a letter to the Black Swan director which they accidentally on purpose CC-ed to us here at Studio Exec. Here it is in full: 

Hey Dazzers!

 

 Sorry, we mean Mr. Aronofsky. It’s late here at Mission Control and we’ve been smoking Blue Dream. Really quite excellent, if you can get… wait who are we telling? You made The Fountain and you don’t know Blue Dream? Yeah right!?

Anyhoo, can we say we are all big fans of your films, especially of Pi and The Wrestler (Black Swan not so much, but you know). We got an opportunity to watch Noah – what with the Shuttle program effectively mothballed we’re setting up as freelance film critics – and we have some thoughts.


1. Universal flood: WHAT? I mean, come on. There’s no evidence for any such flood. It just couldn’t happen. Didn’t happen. So that’s basically the whole of your film hitting the Bullshit Button straight away.

2. Ark: we’re not convinced that this is a credible solution. The weight of biomass would sink any boat that existed in that period, or this period for that matter.

 3. Animals: Two by two makes sense logistically, but it is too small a sample to ensure survival. And there are very big hygiene issues.What about incidences of infertility/sterility? Also keeping different livestock in such close proximity is just asking for a bird flu outbreak. Literally asking for it. 

4. Emma Watson and Jennifer Connelly in the same film. Very good call Mr. Aronofsky. No complaints there. 

Okay, that’s all from us. We can’t sit around fact checking films all day. Candy Crush isn’t going to play itself you know.  
Lots of love

NASA

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH REPLIES TO JULIAN ASSANGE

 UNDISCLOSED LOCATION – Now everybody knows that Benedict Cumberbatch received an email from Wikileaks founder Julian Assange asking him not to take the role of Julian Assange in Bill Condon’s new film The Fifth Estate.

What people don’t know is that Cumberbatch wrote a reply but thanks to our friends at the NSA we have obtained/stolen a copy. Click over the jump to read the full text. 
 Date: Tue, 15 Jan 2013
From: Benedict Cumberbatch 
To: Julian Assange
Subject: RE: Message from Assange
Dear Jules,
Thank you for your reply to me trying to contact you. It is the first time I’ve had a letter from a historical person!
I am disappointed that you have decided not to be involved. I think I would have enjoyed meeting you too. I had invited Tom Hiddleston to come round as well and I was thinking we could all play Twister! Imagine that, you me and Hiddles all playing Twister in Ecuadorian embassy. It would have been class. Talking about bonding.  
Anyway no worries about not wanting to. I’m an actor. I’m sure I can do a pretty good version of you without meeting you. After all I haven’t met any f*cking dragons to play Smaug have I? Ha ha ha!! 
I think I’ve got you down pretty good. I’m using Paul Hogan as a model for the accent and I’ve taken the hair from Lady Galadriel from Lord of the Rings.  The bond that develops between an actor and a living subject is significant, but I can just make it up. 
As for your comment: ‘I believe you are a good person, but I do not believe that this film is a good film’: I’ve thought about this a bit and I think I’d have to say ‘f*ck off!’ I imagine you’ve been watching lots of telly locked up in the embassy there, but it doesn’t make you Roger Ebert just yet, does it? Eh? Why don’t we make the film first, eh?  
Anyway, I have to go. Emma Watson and Carey Mulligan are coming for dinner and then we’re going to have a pie fight. Can you imagine how crazy that is going to be?
Laters
 
Benedict

NOAH WAY OUT: OUR ON LOCATION REPORT

ICELAND – When famous loony Darren Aronofsky announced that his follow up to Black Swan would be a Biblical epic called Noah starring Russell Crowe as the unicorn-hating and wine-inventing weatherman, many people said, “No! Jesus, is he high?” and then after a moment’s consideration the same people said, “I suppose he did make The Fountain, so anything is possible.”

Rumours have been abounding for months but now Studio Exec can reveal how filming is progressing with this exclusive on location report.

It is a still, clear morning. Early and cold and we’re in Iceland. Russell Crowe is having his beard attached with specially imported Japanese dolphin glue and relaxes by throwing his telephone at his PA.

“Come on cobber,” he growls. “Stop crying and throw it back.”

Aronofsky blunders into the trailer with the shot list and some last minute suggestions.

 
“G’day mate,” says Darren, who was told as a joke that Russell only speaks Australian, and took it seriously. “Shrimps … barbie …etc.”
 
Outside the set is complete. A massive boat looms in the milky light of dawn. The lights are ready and the extras assemble in costume and then inevitably come the animals, led by their trainers and handlers, animals taken from all over the world. A menagerie, a zoo, a circus. A lot of animals.

“Lots of the hot climate animals died, but it’s worth it,” says Emma Watson. “I mean we can get more tigers, but Darren’s films are genuinely endangered.”
 
Watson jumped at the chance to do the part. “I know people think of me as Sam from Perks of Being a Wallflower, but I hope this will give me the chance to leave that Perks of Being a Wallflower thing behind. I’m grateful to Perks of Being a Wallflower for making me who I am today and making me world famous, but I want to be known as a serious actress. And maybe after I finish this film I’ll find a film that will give me my chance.”
 
Jennifer Connelly, who plays Emma’s mother, sits in her chair, her head in her hands, weeping inconsolably. She quickly wipes away her tears and makes out nothing is the matter as I approach. “How is it working with the animals?” I ask.
 
“Fantastic,” she says, sniffling as Aronofsky and Crowe approach and the set goes quiet. “The monkeys stand for honesty,” She continues, smiling weakly. “The giraffes are insincerity.”
 
“And the elephants are kindly but they’re dumb,” interjects Aronofsky.

“Orang-Utans are sceptical of changes in their cages,” adds Watson knowingly. “And the zoo keeper is very fond of rum.”
 
“Zebras are reactionaries,” Crowe suddenly bursts into song (something I had been warned about). “Antelopes are missionaries, pigeons trade in secrecy and hamsters turn on frequently.”
 
Suddenly the crew and the extras and I could swear some of the animals are chorusing, “What a gas! you gotta come and see, At the Zoo, At the Zoo! At the Zoo!”
 
Massive crescendo.
 
“And cut,” shouts Aronofsky exuberantly. “Print it.”   

Noah is slated for release in 2014.

CANNES DIARY: DAY 3

CANNES – You might think that life at Cannes is all champagne, glittering parties and sex with beautiful people, but you’re wrong; there’s a hell of a lot of cocaine as well. Speaking of cocaine, The Bling Ring gives you all the pleasure of sitting and watching people on cocaine talk and sing and take photographs of themselves, which – as everyone knows – is almost as good as taking the drug itself (I’m being f*cking sarcastic).


I got the opportunity to talk to Paris Hilton and I asked her how come she’s so happy for everyone to thinking she’s f*cking stupid and she said about quarter to nine. I don’t know. It was loud I suppose.

Yesterday was also the turn of Francois Ozon, a French film director who makes French films about French girls with not many clothes on. Ooh la la! He’s witty and what not, but he’s an asshole. He wore a totally unnecessary scarf and kept sniffing all the time as if I was the one who reeked of Eau di Toilet. 

Everyone went crazy last night for Emma Watson, which is all right I suppose, after all, she was in that film for children. 




  

THE BLING RING: REVIEW

THE BLING RING: REVIEW – Hermione Granger (Emma Watson) has moved to LA and made a film with the best part of Godfather 3.

Based on ‘true’ events, the film starts with a kind of punkish promise, but it soon becomes drably repetitive pop art bullshit which seeks the nuanced profundity of Spring Breakers.
If you thought listening to people jaw away on cocaine, watching them dance in slow motion trances and take pictures of themselves with their phones is the best thing ever, then OMG you are going to die of excitement. Watch Mark and his spoilt rich brats break into the houses of spoilter richer brats! Laugh a the stupidity of Paris Hilton, not only because she’s stupid but she let them make the film in her house, even as they take the piss out of her.
The film is set up like a satire, but Sofia Coppola is so in love with her subject that she can only give it a mild ribbing, before making us feel they’re being punished harshly for their crimes. I was left wondering how they would have been dealt with if they’d been black teenagers breaking into Orlando Bloom’s house. Yeah, probably exactly the same.

CORRECTION: EMMA WATSON IN 50 SHADES OF GREY

HOLLYWOOD – Yesterday, we published the news that Emma Watson had agreed (finally) to star in Fifty Shades of Grey as Anastasia Steele, the young University student who becomes the ping pong playing partner of business man and sado-masochist Christian Grey.

We are extremely sorry to report there were some errors in the original article which we seek to correct now (after the jump).

  1. There is no ping pong in the story. Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey at no point play ping pong. Ping pong has no relevance here, except at a push as double entendre – and even then it would be very difficult to squeeze in and could cause some to gasp.
  2. We stated that the film was to be based on the ‘E.L. James masterpiece’. We have since discovered that the book cannot be fairly described as a masterpiece unless a) you don’t ever read books; b) you don’t understand the meaning of the word ‘masterpiece’ or c) you’re being sarcastic.
  3. Emma Watson has agreed to appear in Fifty Shades of Grey, but she will NOT play Anastasia Steele. Instead, she will play Christian Grey. Anastasia Steele will be played either by Benedict Cumberbatch or Tom Hiddleston. Both actors have said they are willing to play the role and producers believe the cross dressing, gender bending that Watson is insisting on will make the film ‘sexier than seeing your father dressed in your mother’s underwear, especially if you have very sexy parents’.
We apologize once more for any confusion caused.

EMMA WATSON: OF COURSE I’M GOING TO STAR IN 50 SHADES OF GREY

HOLLYWOOD – Earlier today, Emma Watson created mild surprise in Hollywood today with a 180 degree turn as she announced she was fully on board to star as Anastasia Steele in the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie.

She tweeted:

Apparently drunk, she continued in this vane for some hours, but many of the tweets were later deleted.  Speculation has been rife about the casting of the E.L. James masterpiece with many tipping Ms. Watson or Keira Knightley for the role. Competition between the two actresses to play the young student turned business man’s sex toy, they had a bikini fight in a paddling pool filled with jelly, although that might have been a dream.