HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRET TO GET A SEQUEL

Warner Bros order sequel to Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Could this be the beginning of a franchise?

So Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets is going to have a follow up. Fans celebrated today at the news but some wondered if perhaps Daniel Radcliff and Emma Watson and the other one weren’t perhaps too old to reprise the roles? Or even too successful with loads of other things to do rather than go back to the roles that first saw them made famous in 2002.

We asked the stars. How do you feel about the sequel, Daniel Radcliffe?

Brill. 

Emma?

Yes, please.

Ginger one?

Great. No plans. 

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets 2 will be in cinemas in 2019. 

PHIL COLLINS ADMITS TO VOICING EMMA WATSON IN BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

HOLLYWOOD – Veteran rocker and Genesis front man Phil Collins today confessed that he was the voice behind Emma Watson’s Belle in the new live action Beauty and the Beast.

British rocker Phil Collins admits to being the voice behind Emma Watson in Disney’s new Beauty and the Beast. He spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I’m thoroughly ashamed of myself. But the divorce lawyers took a real bite and I need the moolah. First they came sniffing around the time of La La Land. Just a little bit of vocals, Phil, they said. Three days tops. So I said yes.

This was for Ryan Gosling’s role?phil collins

No, Emma Stone. She’s a beautiful lady and she’s got a pair of pegs on her. But Lord her singing voice was like someone bunging a cat locked in a fridge down a spiral staircase. Lorks!

So you dubbed Emma Stone in La La Land?

Yes.

She won an Oscar for that role.

Did she? I don’t keep up with the showbiz. It depresses me frankly.

Then you got the Beauty and the Beast gig?

Yeah. They liked what I’d done so they must have thought, Phil’s the go-to guy to voice Emmas.  It was a bit harder, but I managed. Hermione had given it her best shot bless her. But her best shot sounded roughly the equivalent of someone killing a bucket of baby seals with a claw-headed hammer.

Not good.

Someone called 911. And it was someone in the studio who knew what was happening.

So you came in.

Yeah. And I gargled with pineapple juice and away I went.

Pineapple juice?

Yeah. It makes me sound less like a dustbin man and more like a young scrap of a lass.

What’s your next project?

Emily Blunt. Oh and I’m doing a charity record for the victims of drone attacks.

What’s it called?

I can Feel it Coming in the Air Tonight (Oh Lord).

Beauty and the Beast is in cinemas.

EMMA WATSON’S BOOBS AND FEMINISM: A MANSPLANATION

HOLLYWOOD – So Emma Watson is a feminist and has boobs!? And….?

Knives were out for Emma Watson this week following a photo shoot for Vanity Fair showed and under bit and some side boob, confirming that the former Hermione Granger has boobs. This wouldn’t have been deemed in anyway controversial, except that Watson CLAIMS to be a feminist! Yeah, that’s right a feminist with boobs. Unbelievable. Oh and by the way, I once met renowned socialist Noam Chomsky and get this: he was wearing shoes! It was unbelievable. All his bullshit about manufacturing consent and the US policy of dominance in the world, calling himself a progressive and yet walking around in a pair of shoes. What the fuck, right?

Oh but I guess the idea is that if Watson is a feminist she must be like a puritan of some kind who objects to the objectification of the female body. Is that it? Well, that’s one argument in one kind of feminism, I guess. But not all feminists accept it. The basic definition is that feminist believe that women should have legal, social and political equality, the same freedoms as men take for granted. So the most important idea is that of choice and freedom to exercise those choices. The freedom to reclaim their own bodies as well, if need be.

This non-argument is the last thrash of saddoes who can’t handle women exercising their freedom. This is the Ford model of liberation: you’re free to do whatever you want as long as it conforms to what I think you should do. You can say whatever you like as long as it doesn’t upset me. You can call yourself a feminist, a word most critics don’t even understand the basic definition of, as long as then you behave to my own misapprehension of what the word means.

Fact of the matter is Emma Watson has grown up. It’s time we did too.

HARRY POTTER JOINS WHITE POWER GROUP

HOLLYWOOD – Sad news at Hogwarts, as former Griffendor alumni and Quiditch champion Harry Potter today revealed himself to be a member of a white power group.

Harry Potter is a neo-Nazi, we have learned today. Speaking from his personal blog – there ain’t no black in the Griffendor flag – Potter wrote:

I’m sick of black people and muggles infecting the purity of our race. As a wizard I feel it is my duty to maintain as much as I can the blood lines of the ancient wizards. Although Voldemort was wrong in many of the things he said, I have come to agree that at least he made the trains run on time. Which can be more than can be said for that amateur Dumbledore.

The news was met with shock and dismay by thousands of Potter fans. Hermione  Granger, wizardry ambassador for the UN, had this to say:

I know Harry has been under a lot of pressure. Ginny has left him adn life has not been kind following the travails and early fame of his youth. However, none of this condones the outright racism and violent rhetoric he has employed. I believe he should be very carefully monitored and as a so called mud blood myself, I do see this as a personal betrayal.

Potter’s racist and hateful views became evident when he was spotted at a White Power rally in Alabama, USA.

Imperium will be released in August, 2016.

MARY POPPINS V NANNY MCPHEE GREEN LIT

HOLLYWOOD – Emma Thompson and Emily Blunt are both onboard for the new Disney mash up McPhee V Poppins.

The new super Nanny mash up is on with Emma Thompson and Emily Blunt going head to head in a childcare smack down McPhee V Poppins, which pits the two care providers against each other to save Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe.

Director Zach Snyder spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Basically Nanny McPhee and Mary Poppins exist in the same P.L. Travers universe and so it was only a matter of time before we got the two together. I thought of the idea when I was talking to Kevin Smith and we were on acid and watching Mary Poppins and a Nanny McPhee marathon, including the sequel that no one actually watched.

So what’s the story?

Well, essentially, Mary Poppins leaves the children – Dan and Emma – and Nanny McPhee turns up and tries to dance with penguins and chimney sweeps and the like. Basically stealing Mary Poppins ideas and Mary Poppins as you can imagine is none too pleased. But they have to join forces to defeat Elijah Wood.

Elijah Wood?

Shut up.

McPhee V Poppins will be released in 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

EMMA WATSON AND PRINCE HARRY TO MARRY

BALMORAL – Hermione Granger (Emma Watson) and Prince Harry Potter are to get married, the Palace announced today.

The a small private ceremony will take place at their former school of Hogwarts and will be attended by close friends and relatives. Friends of the couple said that the romance has been off / on for almost a year and were surprised at the sudden decision to commit.

Emma’s ex-boyfriend Ron Weasley said that he thinks Emma is making a mistake:

Prince Harry is not her type at all. She likes books and is clever, and he is the only person I know who would open a tube of Pringles sideways. She is cultured and a talented actor and he dresses as a Nazi for fun.

Is it possible that you’re just jealous?

Oh, absolutely. I screwed that up royally. Ha ha. Royally? No? Okay.

Kate Middleton and Prince William are understood to have gone on a secret double date with his brother and Emma, paint-balling. A court insider told the Exec:

It was totes rad. They were like absolutely covered in the umph-ka. Can you imagine it? Emma was bright magenta and the Duchess of Cornwall was lime green. Poor Harry had shot himself in the face peering down the barrel. But seemed none the worse for wear. And they were all laughing like incredibly well bred drains. I know they wanted J.K. Rowling to write the vows but they can’t afford her.

The Royal Wedding will take place sometime next week, following which Emma Watson will be known as Duchess Hermione of Granger.

SETH MACFARLANE ADDRESSES UN ON BOOBS

NEW YORK – Following a rousing feminist speech last month by Emma Watson on the role of women in society, Seth MacFarlane also received an opportunity to address the UN and chose to use his role as Good Will Ambassador to launch an impassioned plea to joke about and ogle women’s breasts.

The writer and director of Ted and Family Guy told a packed session of the General Assembly:

Yeah, I’m into feminism and all that. Sure! Equal rights? That’s cool. I’m a liberal guy. Especially, if by liberal, you mean someone who likes to get stoned often and look at women’s breasts. Ha ha! No but really. I’d like to test those Bechdels. Ha! I mean are you with me, fellas? I know my man Ban-ki Moon is! You see comedy has come a long way since the good old days where you can joke about your mother-in-law. Everyone’s a feminist! Take Beyonce. I mean please, take Beyonce, ah ha, yeah.

[SILENCE]

Erm. It’s like when I did that song at the Oscars about wanting to see the tits of all of those actresses, even Jodie Foster’s in The Accused and that was during a – ahem – rape scene.

[Loud protests from the Scandinavian countries]

But I got away with it, because I’m being IRONIC! Like when I’m mildly racist in Ted. Irony. That’s the only way to beat ISIS. That’s what beat Hitler. And that’s what brings the world peace and feeds the hungry. Well, you’ve been a great General Assembly. Try the veal.

[DROWNED OUT BY BOOS]

In response to the angry protests by many member states, Ban-ki Moon apologized for inviting Mr. MacFarlane to address the assembly, saying that ‘We all got stoned last night and thought it would be a totally crazy idea. I now see that was wrong.’

Ted 2: the Rwanda Years will be released in 2015.

NOAH: NOTES FOR GOD

HOLLYWOOD – On the release of Darren Aronofjy’s Noah, the Studio Exec has some notes for the original author.

Dear God (or the Creator as you prefer to be known),

I’ve just seen your film Noah and I have some notes. 

1. You make no sense. You mumble more than Marlon Brando. You seem to communicate with your main man with the same fast-cutting technique that Darren Aronofsky used to show drug addiction in Requiem for a Dream, and with similarly disastrous consequences. These visions are MTV cool (well done) but liable to misinterpretation by a sad eyed psychopath and his family of Nazi vegetarians.

2. As an actress Emma Watson is a great Hermione Granger. Anthony Hopkins has lost a lot of weight since I lost saw him, but his character also seems to have lost the plot. First he has a magic sword, then he doesn’t. Hangs about a mountain, drinks tea, tries his hand at some amateur gynecology? He isn’t a character, he’s a Swiss army plot device. And Ray Winstone is portentous donkey plop.

3. Well done for the Biblical correction apple to pomegranate, but less well done with the stone trolls from Middle Earth.

 4. The CGI looks like Tubal Cain did it. Steve Carrell had a more convincing ark-full. And if you send all the animals to sleep – for nine months – doesn’t … don’t they … I mean… what? And why is everyone dressed in Apocalypse by Diesel? 

Finally, ignore everything I’ve just said. I’m glad the film is stupidly silly, utterly unconvincing and comically foolish. The morality of the film is so disgustingly wrong that if the film was in any way convincing, moving or interesting, there’d be a danger that someone other than the deluded cavemen of fundamentalism might take it seriously. The eco-bollocks simply reminded me that Hitler was a Vegetarian. 

I can’t believe how radically wrong this film is. We spend the whole time worrying about poor Noah and his mental health. Imagine if we had a similar rendering of any other genocidal story – a Rwandan village chief, Pol Pot, a Gulag guard, a concentration camp executioner – and the main thrust was how sorry we should feel for the killer because of the damage that his cruel (but necessary) work does to his family life and his psychological well being. 

Noah felt like what the murderers of The Act of Killing would have produced had they been granted a Hollywood budget. So thank the lord (I suppose that’s you) it’s so bad as to be almost beneath serious consideration.

Yours Sincerely,

Studio Exec

DELUGE OF WEATHER PUNS FOLLOWING NOAH RELEASE

HOLLYWOOD – As a direct result of the release of Darren Aronofsky’s Noah, bloggers, film reviewers and journalists have been inundating us with their best weather puns.

Already predicted to sink or swim, the film is also like to flood marketplaces, rain on the opposition and news that Exodus is already in production means that when it comes to Biblical epics, it never rains but it pours. There are thundering performances even if some of the dialogue is windy, Anthony Hopkins a bit drizzly and the plot itself long-winded. 
Veteran film journalist Hammers Hammerstein said: 

A ‘deluge’ (oh God) like this I’ve not seen since the long running Marathon Man debacle of 1976. We just all sit around thinking of puns we’ve been saving for a rainy day. Jesus Christ. I can’t stop!

 As the clouds clear and the waters fall, the puns are expected to clear up in the late afternoon, early evening in time for the new version of Annie which promises ‘the sun will come out, tomorrow’. 

Noah is a fictional character, any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.

SOFIA COPPOLA LITTLE MERMAID TREATMENT LEAKS

HOLLYWOOD – Sofia Coppola is to direct a live action version of the Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale The Little Mermaid, promising a darker version of the original tale. Studio Exec has managed to obtain an early treatment written by Shame scribe Abi Morgan but modified heavily by the Lost in Translation director.

The Little Mermaid (Emma Watson-ish) lives in the Sea Kingdom with her father Francis Ford MerKing, an underwater visionary, director of the majorly famous The Codfather but who has lost his powers and takes meds and stuff. The Mermaid has all she wants, spending a lot of her time dressing up in Gucci and Armani and Dolce and Gabana and Valentino and you know clothes, but also kind of I want to say feeling empty inside, like tragic? One day she swims to the surface of the ‘ocean’ I suppose and she says this totes hot guy, who is an older guy perhaps (Jason Schwartzmen?), or maybe a younger guy (Zac Efron) who just doesn’t get her. Anyway she comes out of the water and sings karaoke with the prince to like these rad eighties songs and then does this crazy pole dance and then they get a bit sad (Air montage). Then you know they can’t be together because someone commits suicide, or overdoses on something I’m thinking. The End.

The Rich But Misunderstood Vertically Challenged and Ironically Self-Aware Mermaid will be released in 2015. 

SNEAK PEEK FROM HARMONY KORINE’S HARRY POTTER SPIN OFF

HOLLYWOOD – When Harmony Korine was handed the reigns of the follow up movie to Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows Part Two, we all knew that the 40 year old enfant terrible of American cinema would take the franchise in a predictably conventional transgressive direction and so it has proved. 

The first publicity shots to come out from Harry Potter and the Abuse of  Peoples and Substances show Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter, a pale shadow of his former self, his body destroyed by years of abuse and intoxication. The corrective laser surgery on his eyesight and the plastic surgery to remove that bothersome scar means that he has become a babe magnet and while at home he keeps Ginny Weasley (Bonnie Wright) in a perpetual state of pregnancy while he goes out and indulges in his sex addiction at the local stables (?) Meanwhile Hermoine Granger (Emma Watson) dances around looking vacant and trying to fill her empty soul with the flooding numbness of alcohol and cocaine. Her husband Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint) is driven to despair, walking around buck naked and threatening anyone who sniggers with a replica pistol.   

Harmony Korine commented exclusively to Studio Exec that:

The Harry Potter series for many of my generation is like the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. These are the lives by which we have lived our own, but rather than indulge in glib power fantasies involving magic and mythical beasts, I’ve put the same characters into situations of ‘real life’, drug abuse, violence, disappointment, self-hatred, bitterness, vacuous emptiness and despair, sexual addiction and perversion, violence. Did I mention  self-hatred?

 Harry Potter and the Abuse of Peoples and Substances will be released on Xmas day 2016.

 

ARONOFSKY: NOAH IS ACTUALLY WE BOUGHT A ZOO PREQUEL

 HOLLYWOOD – Darren Aronofsky has explicitly stated for the first time that his new film Noah actually started life as a prequel to the Cameron Crowe 2011 classic We Bought a Zoo.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Aronofsky seemed extremely excited about his new film:

We’ve done a good job. I mean I had to shoot around Russell’s performance a great deal, but Hermione put in a decent day or two and Ray Winstone is really cheap. 

Talking about the origins of the project, the Black Swan director had this to say:

It started off as a prequel to We Bought a Zoo. Cameron was toying with the idea. He had something …  a very early draft. It might even have just been a treatment. Anyway, he asked me to have a pass at it and I said, “Okay but what if we go back in time. Who was the first father who kinda accidentally/on purpose bought a zoo?” And just like that it came to both of us at exactly the same time: Noah!!!

He continues:

Well, then after I had that as my starting point, the script just flew out. It was so easy!

Noah will be released in 2014. 

 

IS DANIEL RADCLIFFE MAGIC?

HOLLYWOOD – The Harry Potter and Equus star Daniel Radcliffe is one of the most enigmatic and powerful actors of his generation, stripping his body and his soul bare in such successes as Kill Your Darlings and The Woman in Black.

However, a rumor has persistently plagued the 24 year old actor from Fulham: does he in actual fact have magical powers?

Emma Watson – his close friend and co-star – is in no doubt about the matter. 

Oh, Danny is magic all right. I mean while we were doing Harry Potter, we were all using special effects and green screen and stuff like that but Daniel would come in and he would just do the stuff. No CGI, no stuntmen, no trickery. He even had his own wand which he would carry around in a black briefcase that he called the Necronomicon. 

More recently Daniel amazed fans when he arrived to the London Premier of Kill Your Darlings, riding what can only be described as a broomstick. Co-star Dane DeHaan said that he was knocked out by Daniel’s professionalism and his definite ability to ‘do strange shit that defied rational, scientific explanation.’

However, others have reacted angrily, while not denying the possibility that Radcliffe is in fact a necromancer. Rupert Grint who starred as Ron Weasley in the Potter movies, splutted with undisguised spleen.

What irritates me about Dan is that he has these powers – telekinesis, telepathy, levitation, wand work, the lot – and he uses them for what: to get an acting gig! I mean he could be in the Sudan saving lives, stopping wars, feeding the hungry, brining justice to the world. But no, he just sits at home fiddling with his wand.

Daniel Radcliffe was unavailable for comment.