EMINEM TO PLAY JULIEN BLANC IN PICK UP

HOLLYWOOD – Eminem will appear in his first lead movie role since Eight Mile, playing the controversial pick up artist Julien Blanc in Pick Up.

The hip hop rapper AKA Marshall Mathers has been cast following a lengthy day- long process.

Director Brett Ratner told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We were looking for a star with real charisma and a fairly despicable attitude to women. Mel Gibson is too old and Ray Rice and Chris Brown are too black, but Eminem with his lyrics about punching women in the face is just about right.

The rising star of the pick up community Julien Blanc has courted controversy with his tips on how to sexually assault, exploit and manipulate women and pictures of him grabbing girls by the throat. Protests by women’s groups have seen him chased out of Australia and, most recently, banned from the UK.

Eminem spoke out about what appealed to him about the role:

Julien Blanc is a lone voice in the wilderness, harking back to a nobler time when you could punch a woman in the face and the only question that you would be asked would be ‘why didn’t you punch her in the face twice?’ But nowadays with Political Correctness Gone Mad even brutally assaulting women is considered beyond the pale and men, real men, homophobes and the like, are increasingly treated as second class citizens.

The film will chart the rise of Julien Blanc through the Pick Up Artist community, a rebel who models his style on Tom Cruise in Magnolia and gives rooms full of angry, lonely, socially inept, pathetic, cringe-worthy men advice on how to talk to girls which they scribble down on their Action  Pads. Ratner continues:

Julien is the Wolf of Wall Street for sexually backward men. Despite the criticisms, his work is actually socially very positive.  He takes men who in fact have a deep fear of women and turns them into obnoxious and vaguely criminal assholes. I for one have benefited greatly from his courses.

Pick Up will be released in 2015.

LANA DEL REY KICKS EMINEM’S ASS

HOLLYWOOD – Singer Lana Del Rey has attacked and beaten aging hip hop rapper Eminem to a pulp.

The attack took place in slick Los Angeles The Mayan where Eminem was socializing with some friends when the Young and Beautiful singer came in the club.

Witness DJ Marly Nefarious described what followed:

Lana was coming in the club and she had like her entourage and Eminem had his guys he was hanging with. Anyway, the second Lana saw him she made a beeline. Marshall Mathers sort of stood up with his arms out and this goofy grin. He was like expecting a hug cause in the past Lana had said what a big fan she was. But she slammed him in the throat with the flat of her hand. He fell to the ground and cracked his head on the corner of the table. But Lana hadn’t finished. She grabbed a hunk of his hair and pulled his head back then just started whupping on his face, punching him until his nose was just a bloody mush and he was crying and there was just this mess of blood and snot and tears.

Doorman Cecile Dunkins said:

It was like that film Raging Bull when the crowd ringside gets splashed with blood. Or when Jared Leto gets his face broken in Fight Club. Kinda reminded me of that. Lana’s saying ‘I’ll Ray Rice you,  you f*cking bitch’. And Eminem is like weeping and begging, saying ‘It’s just a persona! It was ironic!’ And Lana’s like ‘You misogynistic asshole’ and she’s like dragging him around  by his ears and it’s like tearing off and she puts her foot on his throat and he’s just gurgling and she lays about him with some serious kicking action. Eminem was like destroyed. And don’t think he’s actually used to, you know, actual violence.

The police arrived on the scene and twenty minutes later intervened. Eminem is recovering in a private clinic and Lana Del Rey treated customers to a stirring rendition of Summertime Sadness.

Eminem’s new album ‘I love Taylor Swift’ will be available on Monday.