HOLLYWOOD – Criminal Minds actor Thomas Gibson has been ordered to be kicked up the ass, a court ruled today.

Following his firing from the show Criminal Minds Thomas Gibson has joined Twitter and sought to clear his name. However, today a court ruled that he was to be kicked up the ass as punishment for his assault on screenwriter and co-producer Virgil Williams. Gibson responded that the punishment was ‘harsh but fair’ and expressed his hope that this would draw a line under the matter.

The swift justice has been the result of a new legal mechanism set up by Hollywood following a series of unsavory headlines. Using the Hammurabi code, the courts will match punishments to crimes and many believe that Johnny Depp will get an iPhone thrown at his head several times before the Summer is through. Emile Hirsche was the first Hollywood star to be punished by the code and he wept like a child as he was choked.

Lawyer Jackson Brett told the Studio Exec that he thought the whole thing was a publicity stunt.

We’re all talking about assault and violence and all this. But everyone is ignoring the real crime. The fact that Criminal Minds is still on television.

The ass-kicking will take place tomorrow at dawn.



HOLLYWOOD – The twitter account known to the world as @MysteryExec was taken down today and it is understood that Emile Hirsche will be questioned.

The star of such films as Into the Wild and Milk Emile Hirsche is not a suspect, a police spokesperson was eager to point out.

We don’t even know if there is a crime here. An anonymous twitter account has been taken down and it is believed the account holder was a studio exec of some description. However, Mr. Hirsche did plead guilty to assaulting a studio exec in another totally unrelated situation and so we thought it wise to eliminate him from our investigations.

So Emile Hirsche is now locked up somewhere?

No, he’s currently… hey where are you going?

The Studio Exec will be in an undisclosed location for the rest of the Summer.