EMILE HIRSCH TO CAGE FIGHT AMY PASCAL

HOLLYWOOD – Into the Wild star Emile Hirsch is starting a second career as a cage fighter, and his first opponent? None other than former Sony Exec Amy Pascal.

The news comes following Emile Hirsch’s recent alleged choke hold of an Exec during a party at the Sundance Film Festival. Fight promoter Joey Knuckles spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I was present at the party by pure chance and I saw Hirsch’s move. His technique was exemplary and I thought to myself this guy’s got something. I managed to corner him later and I pitched him the idea of a cage fight. Apparently his film career isn’t exactly flying so he almost took my arm off.

What about Amy Pascal? Why did she agree to the fight?

Amy called me. As soon as she heard I was looking for an opponent for Emile she began ringing me five or six times a day. It turns out a lot of execs feel their pride has been tarnished. I mean physical and verbal abuse? That’s their job. So Amy has been in training – she’s had a lot of spare time apparently – and she is very eager to get in the cage and ‘kick that little boy’s ass’, as she told me.

The fight has ignited old rivalries in Hollywood with the actors all siding with Hirsch and the executives crowding round Amy’s corner.

So who is the favorite?

Well, they’re fairly evenly matched but wioth very different fighting stylesEmile Hirsch is known for his nipping and Chinese burns, while Pascal during her time at Sony was nicknamed the kidney punch Queen.

The fight will be televised on HBO at 9 pm EST. 

AMY PASCAL JOINS THE STUDIO EXEC

HOLLYWOOD – Sony Executive and email writer-strordinaire Amy Pascal has joined the Studio Exec team, expressing her relief to finally find a job ‘which is genuinely important’.

Amy took time out from her busy schedule of interviews to speak with her new employer The Studio Exec.

Frankly SE, I’m relieved. When I worked at Sony, the pressure was unbelievable. You had to work up enthusiasm for The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and pretend Seth Rogen was the new John Belushi. It was soul destroying. And then there was the constant danger of being strangled to death by Emile Hirsch.

Jesus!

Yeah. I know.

How did it feel being fired?

Of course it was upsetting at the time, but I also had a list of things I wanted to do if I left and at the top of that list it was to write for a genuinely subversive and hilarious satire blog.

Great.

Unfortunately, The Onion weren’t hiring so I came over to you.

Whoa!

I’m kidding. I kid.

Not funny, Amy.

Okay so I’m already fitting in.

Hey hurtful. Not cool.

There I go again. I thought you’d like it. Mixing it up with the boys here.

Yeah well, if we’d wanted an asshole we would have hired Scott Rudin.

Okay, okay, gotcha.

So Amy what’s your first column going to be about?

It’s going to be called Kim Jong Un is Big Fat Whiny Bitch.

Amy Pascal’s new column will be published every Sunday on www.thestudioexec.com

SEAN PENN TO PLAY DAN AYKROYD IN BELUSHI

HOLLYWOOD – Following the announcement earlier today that Emile Hirsch will be playing the title role in the forthcoming John Belushi biopic, Beneath the Toga, directed by Steve Conrad, it was also revealed that Sean Penn would be stepping into the shoes of that other Blues Brother Dan Aykroyd.

The two actors have acted together before in Milk and Penn directed Hirsch in his true story film, Into the Wild. However, this time Penn says he will be glad to take second billing as the Canadian who stood next to John Belushi.

I’ve watched Emile from afar and from close up and I can tell you that he is multi-talented and will blow all the doubters out of the water. Many people have been saying: Emile Hirsch? John Belushi? Really? Well now they’re going to be saying: Sean Penn? Dan Aykroyd? Really? So things are changing.

As well as being in smash hit films like 1941 and Neighbors, Belushi was also quietly producing art house turns in such indy classics as Animal House and, with Aykroyd The Blues Brothers. “I have the accent perfect,” said Penn. “And now I need the look.”

Earlier, Emile Hirsch commented that he was attracted to the role of Belushi because of the number of pizza pies he will be allowed to eat as preparation. 

Beneath the Toga  will be released in 2014.