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OSCARS PLAN BEST PICTURES SNAFU

HOLLYWOOD – The Oscars will feature another SNAFU on the Best Picture Oscar this year.

The nominations for the 90th edition of the Academy Awards are out. And already excitement is beginning to build, with many already laying odds on who the winner might be. But one thing is certain, whoever wins the Best Picture is going to almost certainly be the second name called. We spoke with a spokesperson for the Academy:

We had such fun last year with Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway. First of all we thought it was a huge mistake but we got more ratings and buzz for days and weeks afterwards than we had for any other edition. We live in a new world now and if the Oscars are going to survive it is going to have to become more and more viral. This kind of story runs and runs.

So you’re going to intentionally give the wrong movie the Best Picture Oscar?

Exactly. We have talked about leaking it into other categories as well. Can you imagine how funny it will be when Denzel Washington gets up and starts his acceptance speech only to be interrupted and told that Daniel Day-Lewis has won it again. Hilarious.

It could upset some people.

We also thought of a new system where we announce two winners and make the decider a race to reach the podium. When Margot Robbie hears about that she’ll probably break Meryl Streep’s leg! Because of the I, Tonya, you see because…

Yeah I get it. I just don’t believe it.

It’s adapt or die in the new social media landscape Exec. We had Ellen Degeneres doing a selfie some years back, but that stuff got old pretty fast. Now we’ve got to innovate. One idea was to burn Kevin Spacey in effigy on the stage, or even have a ‘purge’ on the red carpet. But we also want to keep the dignity of the academy going. So… this is what we’ve got.

The Oscars are broadcast March 4th, 8:00 PM ET, ABC.

5 FACTS WE KNOW ABOUT BLADE RUNNER 2049

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec sends in the FACT squad to run the Voight-Kampff test on the new Blade Runner 2049.

Denis Villeneuve’s follow up to Ridley Scott’s sci-fi classic Blade Runner 2049 has been shrouded in mystery but the Studio Exec FACT squad has been on the job – though one of them got fried running through an electric field. So here are the 5 FACTS they uncovered.

One. The whole of Blade Runner 2049 takes place at eleven minutes to nine PM.

Two. Following his success in LaLa Land, Ryan Gosling will sing the theme song ‘Tears in Rain’ over the opening titles as well as the song ‘Is this to test whether I’m a Replicant (or a lesbian)?’ also known as Blade Runner Love Theme.

Three. The cast for Blade Runner 2049 includes Harrison Ford from the original, as well as Jared Leto, David Letterman, Jack Black, Will Ferrell, Ellen DeGeneres, Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson and Melissa McCarthy.

Four. Although not directing the film, Ridley Scott has been part of the creative team though scriptwriter Hampton Fancher has said that his contribution consisted solely of demanding ‘a shit load of unicorns.’ This demand has been fully satisfied. Hampton told the Exec: ‘You’ve never seen this many unicorns on film at the same time.’

Five. Whereas in the original there was an ambiguity as to which character was a replicant, in the new film the Canadian director Denis Villeneuve has insisted that there will be a more radical ambiguity. ‘We will suggest that not only are ALL the characters replicants, but also the audience and the filmmakers. Everybody and everything is artificial. Philip K. Dick, I feel would have approved.’

For more FACTs CLICK HERE.

MATT DAMON OPENS UP TO ELLEN ABOUT BEING A LESBIAN IN HOLLYWOOD

HOLLYWOOD – Matt Damon celebrated his return from Mars with an appearance on the Ellen Degeneres show where he spoke for the first time of the difficulty of being a male lesbian in Hollywood.

The Bourne Identity and Informant! star Matt Damon appeared on the Ellen Degeneres Show earlier this week and opened up about his experiences living as a lesbian in Hollywood.

Everyone thinks it must be easy. California is a liberal state and Los Angeles is a pretty liberal town, but the fact of the matter is even in the industry it isn’t easy to be a lesbian. I look at my career and I see the choices that I have sometimes had to make and I see doors that have perhaps closed because of my sexuality and I can’t help but wonder did I make the right choice to come out so early in my career. I salute Ellen Paige for coming out when she did, but it has to be said I’d kind of done all the hard work already.

Ellen seemed bemused by the comments and got laughter from the studio audience with her response, ‘But Matt, you’re a man!’ However, Damon didn’t seem to hear or care:

Exactly! And being a man is what makes it doubly dangerous. Doubly difficult. As I told The Guardian earlier this week, the amount of hostility and suspicion that I first received from lesbians themselves… I’m there trying to tell them, I’m a lesbian and they’re throwing my penis in my face as if that’s something that should or could stop me.

Late this week, Matt Damon will be on Oprah talking about weight issues and his experience as a fat black man.

OSCARS: BEASTMASTER CANCELS

HOLLYWOOD – The Beastmaster has cancelled as host of the Oscars, leading to his replacement by original choice Neil Patrick Harris.

The Beastmaster had shocked everyone by agreeing to take part in the ceremony, despite having shunned the Academy Awards for years after the biopic based on his life failed to gain any nominations. Excitement had grown to mythical proportions as it was reported that Kanye West had also agreed to appear as a co-host.

However, sources inside the Beastmaster camp reported tensions earlier in the week when it was revealed that Hawk the Slayer was no longer representing Beastmaster. There were also threats from animal rights organisations who claimed that Beastmaster’s dominance of the animal kingdom was only made possible ‘through the use of powerful psychotropic drugs and training sessions that involve what is tantamount to torture’.

Beastmaster issued a statement to the press this morning:

Due to personal issues regarding my relationship with Kiri I have decided to pull out of the Oscars. It is a real shame and I was looking forward to hearing all of Kanye’s objections to the Oscars. And Kodo and Podo really wanted to do a selfie like Ellen did, but ultimately we have to return to the realm and meet up again with the birdmen and sort out everything.

Neil Patrick Harris said that he’ll be delighted to resume his duties but was sorry that he wouldn’t have the opportunity to see Beastmaster’s unique approach to his duties:

He was going to have the prizes delivered by giraffes and sharks. I guess I’ll do my best, but I’m not surprised everyone is disappointed. So am I.

The Oscars are on later this evening.

COUNTDOWN TO 2014 OSCARS BEGINS BY MISTAKE

HOLLYWOOD – The countdown to the 2014 Oscars has officially begun, following a mistake.

The New Year is here and is often the case some confusion follows in the wake of too much good cheer and celebration. And it was so in the Academy of Motion Pictures and Arts when the countdown to this year’s Academy Awards, or Oscars as they are informally known, was officially initiated. So much so that it accidentally began to the 2014 Oscars and not this year’s 2015 Oscars. An unthinking keystroke means that by the Academy’s own secret rule book the entire 2014 ceremony will have to be replayed before the 2015 one can take place a month later.

A spokesperson for the academy was distraught:

We’re going to have to listen to all of Ellen’s terrible jokes and we’re going to have to try and reconstruct that awful selfie. All the awards will have to be announced and the winners and losers will have to feign surprised delight and barely concealed hatred. Steve McQueen is going to have to do that stupid up and down jumping thing he did.

I think it’s just called jumping.

Yeah, well, he’s going to have to do it again. It’s going to be a logistical nightmare and the viewing figures will suffer, almost certainly.

And what about the Oscars in 2015?

I think it is going to be a tight competition between Pompeii and Dumb and Dumber To, with Left Behind being everyone’s dark horse possibility.

The Oscars 2014 take place on the 22nd of February, 2015.

LINDSAY LOHAN RETIRES

HOLLYWOOD – The Herbie Fully Loaded star, Lindsay Lohan has called it quits today. ‘I’m basically famous for being a f*ck up,’ she told Ellen DeGeneres. ‘And no sane person wants to continue to facilitate that story.’

The Canyons star said that she would no longer be appearing in reality shows, films or television chat shows:

This is my last public appearance. And my last public utterance. I won’t do interviews, appearances, fashion shoots. To paraphrase Richard Nixon, you’re not going to have Lindsay Lohan to kick around anymore.

The retirement – which takes effect immediately- seems to have taken the media completely by surprise and footage from the Ellen Degeneres Show was immediately excised and deleted. All reference to the retirement has been expunged from public record and mainstream media outlets such as Variety and Hollywood Reporter are refusing to cover the story.

Rumors already abound that Ms. Lohan will be replaced by a replicant who will fulfill the public need for a young rich waster with a car crash of a life to gawp at and will never be satisfied, as the real Lyndsay Lohan is quietly moved to Canada.

2015 OSCAR PREDICTIONS

HOLLYWOOD- The Oscars are over for another year and after the hoopla and the pizza and the selfie-aggrandizing, we can look forward to a few months free of Oscar speculation… WRONG!

The 2015 race starts today and The Studio Exec is quick out of the traps with 5 Oscar predictions which will not fail to be relevant and prescient.

1. John Travolta will host the 2015 ceremony.

2. Kevin James will appear in a series of gritty low budget independent movies with titles like Gravel, How I Killed your Mother and The Hemophiliac’s Spiky Staircase. With the latter having lost two thirds of his body weight, shaved his head and bled copiously on the cover of GQ, he will pick up his nomination. People will be talking about the Kevin Jamaissance as his HBO series Crack Baby garners great write ups and momentum builds to one of the unlikeliest wins in Academy history.

3. Old people will only be allowed to attend the ceremony for comedy purposes. Anyone over seventy will be expected to undergo a series of ritual humiliations – including have their plastic surgery records published online – while Ellen and Kevin Spacey laugh their heads off.

4. The final Hobbit film will receive a bunch of nominations in a vain attempt to stop Peter Jackson.

5. Women will wear clothes as they walk along a carpet which is weirdly outside. People will talk about those clothes with an enthusiasm and application that – if it was turned to the study of medicine – would cure cancer.

The Oscars will be broadcast sometime in 2015.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Tonight is the 86th Academy Awards and that fact is your last free one. Read the others and become cleverer.

1. Ellen Degeneres is only the second woman to present the Oscars. The first was Bob Hope.

2. The actual Oscars were designed to resemble Yul Bryner. The original statuette included an impressive erection that Yul always nursed but this was changed following complaints from Rex Harrison.

3. Anyone who wins an Oscar is entitled to droit du seigneur over anyone who failed to win the Oscar that year, regardless of category. Although this is largely considered a custom and is hardly ever enforced, David Niven became legendary for doing everyone literally everyone after his win.

4. RIPD will not win an Oscar.

5. Steven Spielberg is the only person to ever win an Oscar for brushing his teeth. The Oscar was awarded as part of a mix up when instead of taking place at the Dolby theater, the ceremony was booked in the Colgate theater.

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE!

ELLEN DEGENERES OPENS INTERNET PIRACY SITE

HOLLYWOOD – Ellen Degeneres has announced that she will be opening her own branded torrent sharing site – Ellen’s Pirate Bay – which will allow users to stream or download films illegally.

The Ellen and Oscar ceremony host told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The idea came to me after I accidentally managed to get one of my Oscar screeners uploaded onto the internet and streaming. It was The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. At that point I thought, well, if these piece of shit gets so many hits imagine what would happen if I uploaded some decent films.

Ellen’s Pirate Bay should be live by the end of the month. Asked about her inspiration for the name, she said, ‘If we’re going to have a bit of intellectual property theft I wanted to go the whole hog.’
A spokesperson for the Anti-Piracy league that represents the industry said:

We are dismayed by Ms. Degeneres’ actions, but then again, she is a celebrity so… you know. Whatever.

What do you think? Should Ellen Degeneres’ Pirate Bay be taken down? or is it all very, very funny?

THE GOLDEN GLOBES TELL THE OSCARS TO GO F*CK THEMSELVES

HOLLYWOOD – In what was a stunning turn of events, a drunken Golden Globes turned up outside the Dolby Theater in the early hours of this morning shouting that the Oscars ‘can go f*ck themselves and the horse they rode in on.’

A clearly inebriated Tina Fey and Amy Poehler joined in the heckling and bad behavior, and, in outlandish scenes, started to throw their shoes at the theater. The Oscars – accompanied by a distraught looking Ellen DeGeneres – appeared at a window and called down that the Golden Globes should perhaps calm down and go home, if they know what’s good for them. The Globes replied, ‘Are you threatening us?’ and began to urinate on the steps outside the theater goaded on by Poehler and Fey, at which point the Oscars told Ellen to call 911.
However, officers called to the scene found an emotional Globes telling Ellen how much they love her, and peace once more restored. No charges were pressed.

This incident is only the latest in an on-going feud between the two awards ceremonies which dates back to 1964 and what was called the Cleopatra fracas. On one occasion – in 1972 – the Golden Globes ordered five tons of horse manure to be delivered to the then Kodak Theater during the ceremony, an act of vandalism defused by host David Niven’s wonderfully witty line ‘That’s a lot of dung!’ On another and partly in retaliation, the Golden Globes was disrupted by Ricky Gervais who impersonated a host for two years running at the instigation of the Academy Awards.

The Golden Globes are currently sleeping it off.