LOS ANGELES – Hollywood was put on high alert last night as scientists from the Environmental Protection Agency warned that a return of Orlando Bloom was imminent. ‘We have been looking at a broad range of indicators including the screening guide of the 66th Cannes Film Festival and we have raised the Bloom alert to Code Red,’ said Dr. Yannater Silk of the EPA.

The effects of a return of Orlando Bloom are uncertain but some believe the worst case scenario could include food shortages and mass migration. Paul Rudd – a spokesman for the anti-Bloom pressure group Blando – said:

It has been two whole years since we had an Orlando Bloom film in the theatres and even then that was only a bit part in The Three Musketeers. The effect of a sudden return of Bloom could actually cause a kind of mental implosion. If that were to set off a chain reaction, the Earth’s crust could be compromised followed by the possibility of the destruction of all life on this planet. Or it could just be an unconvincingly wooden performance. One of the two.

Others, however, criticised such remarks as scaremongering. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said:

I for one welcome Orlando Bloom back to our screens, especially if he plays an Elf. Or as the less interesting part of a Johnny Depp film. What I would object to and I believe we should all guard against is a repeat of that Elizabethtown bullshit.    

Orlando Bloom’s new film Zulu  will premier as the closing film of the Cannes Film Festival. Whether it spreads or not is yet to be seen, but the EPA is adamant that using nuclear weapons against the Croissette – as an extreme containment measure – has not been ruled out.


TORONTO –  Veteran film director Cameron Crowe is no stranger to controversy, having unleashed polemics against fellow film makers such as David Lynch and Jane Campion in the past, but earlier today he reached a new pitch when he hurled a vitriolic attack against Steve McQueen‘s new film 12 Years a Slave, which has been garnering massive praise since its Telluride and Toronto screenings.

A source close to the director reported the Almost Famous director saying:

I had high hopes for 12 Years a Slave, having been a great fan of Steve McQueen ever since he tried to jump those barbed wire fences on a motor-bicycle during the Second World War. He didn’t make it but by God, he gave it his best shot. Whereas this film, starring Chiwetel Ejiofor and Michael Fassbender and produced by Brad Pitt, is just a huge disappointment. One long wet fart of a film. 

“What’s wrong with it?” our source (who for legal reasons couldn’t possibly be the Studio Exec) asked.

Well, it tells the story of a freeman, a musician called Solomon Northup, who is kidnapped and sold into slavery where he is brutally mistreated. A damning indictment of American history and a moving chronicle of one man’s fight for freedom. So far so good. But not once does Solomon Northup buy a zoo. Not once. I mean, I know McQueen is principally an actor but this is film making 101. There isn’t even a soft rock montage where the protagonist learns to do something better. Not one. No bitter sweet romance, no you had me at hello. Nothing. Can you even call it a film? is my question.

Steve McQueen has refused to comment on Crowe’s outburst, though Michael Fassbender did respond saying he thought, although Mr. Crowe had a right to his opinion, “Elizabethtown was a big bag of sodden shite.”

12 Years a Slave is due to be released in December, 2013. 


ISLAMABAD – Today widespread rioting broke out in Islamabad, Pakistan, when DVD stocks of the Cameron Crowe whims-fest We Bought a Zoo unexpectedly ran out.

Pakistani film-goers have long loved the gentle comedies of Mr Crowe – even Elizabethtown which everyone else thought was fudge fingers – and sales of We Bought a Zoo, a bafflingly stupid comedy ‘starring’ Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson were breaking records when stocks were finally exhausted. Local fevers ran so high that the traditional rioting against America day (Friday) was moved forward by local leaders to Wednesday.

One protester yelled, ‘We hate America, but they do make these feel good movies very well.’

Another screamed, ‘It is heart-warming and shows how we can all rise above adversity if we have Scarlett Johansson close to us smiling comfortingly.’

White House sources said they were flying out emergency stocks of We Bought a Zoo which they had been stockpiling for just such a contingency, but feared that more Cameron Crowe related violence might break out elsewhere in the region when it was reported that Vanilla Sky which was due to be shown on state television in Iran had been mysteriously pulled. Some Islamic website are claiming the CIA are orchestrating a ‘Cameron Crowe famine’, accusations the State Department strongly deny.


LONDON – Orlando Bloom has had his best year yet as an actor, he declared yesterday. Bloom has been celebrating 2012 as the year in which he has made no bad films; not one.

‘It’s something I’ve been struggling hard to achieve,’ Bloomers said. ‘I was almost there last year but then I made The Three Musketeers and that was that.’
Throughout the noughties Bloom (or Orlando Blando as he prefers to be known) made a series of films that defined irritatingly stupid wastes of money from the interminable Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, which manage to render a joyride joyless, to the endless Lord of the Rings trilogy, culminating in the God awful crusade it-was-so-long-it-could-easily-have-been-a-trilogy Kingdom of Heaven
The problem with Blando was ‘the more films I made, the more apparent it became that I wasn’t a great actor.’ As Legolas the Elf, Bloom was convincingly unemotional, looked effete, had cat like grace and fired arrows, but when called on to play human beings as in Elizabethtown Bloomingdales consistently failed. 
‘Then I realised the secret, if I DIDN’T appear in films, not just not act – I’d been doing that from the get go – but not even turn up, not even make films, then my reputation would … well, no it’s too late for that, but still the world is a better place. Not a single bad Orlando Bloom performance in 2012.’