PADDINGTON BEAR HORROR REBOOT GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the Winnie The Pooh: Blood And Honey horror reimagining, a Paddington Bear horror reboot has been announced. The gore-fest will be directed by Eli Roth and begins shooting later this summer. The Exec caught up with eternal frat boy horror aficionado, Roth as he finalized pre-production on the Paddington Bear horror reboot.

Eli, What Attracted You To A Paddington Bear Horror Reboot?

Hey bros. You know me, when it comes to bucking horror trends, I’m Phi Beta Kappa. I was never on board the torture porn trend with Hostel. Nor was I on board the remake gravy train with Death Wish. And I will never be on the videogame movie band wagon with Borderlands. When I heard there was an opportunity to make a beloved children’s bear character into a horror icon, I leaped at the chance. Here was another opportunity to prove what an original creative force I am.

Can You Tell Us Anything About The Plot?

Only a little. It’s going to be a home invasion story. Where a Peruvian immigrant bear stalks and terrorizes the Brown family. Think The Purge crossed with Straw Dogs, but he’s not a dog. He’s a bear and he’s not made of straw. I never got why they called it Straw Dogs. What kind of stupid title is that? It should’ve been called Shootsie or The Graduate II: Braddock’s Revenge. That would have been way cooler, bro.

Can You Tell Us Any Cast News?

I shouldn’t really, but you seem like a cool dude, man. We got Robert Englund playing Henry Brown and Sybil Danning as Mary Brown.

And Who Is Playing Paddington?

We got Andy Serkis in a mo-cap suit providing the movements, but we aint using him for the voice. We have Rob Zombie providing the voice. He brings a real guttural heft to the character that has never been explored before. Plus he sounds like he’d tear you a new assshole.

Paddington Bear: Flesh Shredder Starts Filming Shortly

ANA DE ARMAS TO STAR IN BLUE VELVET TV SERIES

HOLLYWOOD – Ana De Armas to star in Blue Velvet tv limited series for HBO.

Ana de Armas will play the doomed nightclub singer Dorothy Valens in a new HBO show based on David Lynch‘s 1986 movie Blue Velvet. The ten episode show will start earlier than the film, showing the build up, but it will also follow the events of the celebrated movie.

Showrunner Eli Roth spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

Firstly, I have to say how much I love David Lynch’s original. We’re not going to try and do a carbon copy because what’s the point? Plus, I think times have changed and this timeless story can be updated. It can speak to new generations, who might go back to the original.

How are you going to change it?

We’re getting rid of all that weird stuff. I don’t get it. The bird on the fence and the camera going into the undergrowth. What was that all about? Get rid of all of that. And add a bit more sexy stuff and a ton more gore. That’s what the kids want and more importantly, that’s what I want.

Ana de Armas expressed her joy and wonder at being given the role made famous by Isabella Rossellini:

She is a real complicated portrait of a damaged woman and a femme fatale. I’m also really  looking forward to getting an opportunity to sing. Every episode we’re going to have a nightclub scene and I’ll sing classics from the 50s like Borderline, Papa Don’t Preach and Who’s That Girl?

The roles of Frank and Jeffrey will be announced later. When approached for comment, David Lynch said: ‘Are you f*cking kidding me?’

Blue Velvet will hit HBO soon.

ELI ROTH IS THE NEW DARIO ARGENTO, CLAIMS ELI ROTH

HOLLYWOOD – Director of the Death Wish remake and The Green Inferno Eli Roth is the new Dario Argento, Eli Roth stated today.

Eli Roth is famous for eyebrows, gory movies and more eyebrows. Breaking out with the Hostel movies and Cabin Fever, he’s back with a Bruce Willis starring remake of the revenge thriller Death Wish.

He came into the Studio Exec bungalow to discuss the claims that he’s the American version of Italian horror maestro Dario Argento.

I really think Eli Roth is the US version of Dario Argento.

You’re talking about yourself in the third person.

I know. Eli Roth often talks about himself in the third person. He considers it a post-feminist tribute to The Third Man.

But what is this bunk about you being Dario Argento?

Eli Roth really is the new Dario Argento. Think about it. He makes horror movies. As did Dario. They both have an o and an r and an i in their names. They both have hands. The similarities are endless.

Do you think you’ve made a film as good as Profondo Rosso or Suspiria?

Eli Roth refuses to split hairs. Mr Roth has left the building.

Death Wish is out this week.

ELI ROTH A LOCK FOR NANNY MCPHEE 3

TORONTO – Renowned horror director and eyebrow model Eli Roth let slip that his next film would be the long awaited Nanny McPhee 3.

The 43 year old Hostel director Eli Roth ended months of speculation in a private EXCLUSIVE conversation with the Studio Exec in which he confirmed he would be responsible for bringing to a close the McPhee trilogy:

Ever since I started making movies I’ve wanted to contribute to the Nanny McPhee universe. I mean, who wouldn’t? We met with Emma and though she didn’t seem to know who I was (thank God!), she was really nice and we drank tea and ate cucumber sandwiches. I shit you not, it was classy.

It’s something of a departure for you. 

Is it? Maybe. I’ve always wanted to make a children’s film. If you look at my movies, a certain childlike quality…

You mean they’re infantile.

Yes! But more than that. The common thread I think, is that we’re both, Emma and I, interested in the ugliness of life. And as much as I admire the first two films, I will be bringing something new. Dare I say ‘Rothian’ to the mix.

Nanny McPhee and the Sadistic Green and Red Cellar is due for release in 2018. 

ELI ROTH’S NEW RESTAURANT TOENAILS OPENS

HOLLYWOOD – Eli Roth’s new restaurant ‘Toenails’ has opened on 1133 N. La Brea, West Hollywood and we sent the Studio Exec SNACK team to find out how the eats were.

Eli Roth is famous for torture porn and the only eyebrows that are classified as national heritage sites but this week he opened a new restaurant in West Hollywood with plans for further branches in New York, Miami and London. Speaking to the Studio Exec SNACK team, Eli had this to say:

When we were making Hostel Parts 1 and 2, we’d always found ourselves hungry in the evening. I know it was crazy. Some of us were already hungry in the middle of the day and others ate a small meal as soon as we woke up and that led me to think, isn’t strange how we need to eat? From there it was but a small step to working out that people need a place to eat and that’s where I got the idea of Toenails.

Why Toenails?

Well, when I was a kid I used to eat my own toenails. I mean originally I wasn’t eating them I was just nibbling them off using my teeth in lieu of scissors but once I accidentally swallowed one and there was no looking back.

So all of your food is based on body parts?

That’s right. Toenails, fingernails, that lint you find in your belly button with paprika. Dried skin and then we go onto the salads and the yogurt bar.

Yogurt bar? Maybe I don’t want to know.

It all comes out of a human body.

I said I don’t want to know.

We got the idea when we were doing The Green Inferno. Me and Lorenza Izzo were talking about being cannibals and she said she’d be a cannibal but only a vegetarian cannibal so we started talking about what that would involve. Toenails is the first restaurant for Vegetarian cannibals.

Toenails is open from 6pm until late.

STAR WARS: ROGUE ONE RESHOOT NOTES LEAK ONLINE

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars Rogue One is to have reshoots this Summer and the Studio Exec has received a copy of the notes that are to guide the director and his crew.

The Studio Exec has received a copy of the production notes that were given by top Disney Executives to Gareth Edwards, the director of the first Star Wars spin off movie Rogue One, as he heads back onto location and to the studio for some reshoots. Here they are in full.

FAO: Gareth Edwards.

RE: RESHOOTS – “STAR WARS ROGUE ONE”                                             May 25th, 2016

MEMO following screening attended by DL & ST & RR. This document is to serve as a record of the ensuing conversation between Disney Execs and an initial guide for the reshoots. 

DL: First thing to do is obviously congratulate Gareth on the film. There are problems and more of these anon, but the film itself is a great piece of film making and something to be proud of. 

ST: Absolutely. 

RR: The problem is tone and fortunately this is something the reshoots should be able to redress without too much expense in money or time. So let’s get down to brass tacks. I think we need to lose the singing and dancing.

ST: Totally agree. The singing and dancing must go. I mean they’re great in themselves but they don’t really fit in with the overall thematic tone of the STAR WARS universe.

DL: We had the Cantina scene in NEW HOPE…

ST: Yeah, but that was like three minutes. Here we have seven separate song and dance routines, none of which are really moving the story forward.  

RR: I could live with the music if it was at least original, but they’re all songs from the 1980s and most of them are by Lionel Richie. 

DL: Hello, Dancing on the Ceiling…

RR: Sweet Dreams is by the Eurythmics I think.

ST: But the point is still valid. Where in the STAR WARS universe do the Eurythmics even exist? 

DL: But that leaves us with a fifty minute movie. So we’re going to need some filler. We’ve talked about having the Gungans turn up and do something else but I think we already got burned on that before so maybe we should avoid it. 

ST: Can we talk about the violence?

RR: It is too violent. Too gory. That scene in the torture cell with Mads Mikklesen. I wanted to go home and take a bath after I watched that. It was like something out of an Eli Roth film. I don’t know those Gungans are looking pretty good now.

ST: We really need young Han Solo.

DL: It doesn’t make any sense. Young Han Solo is literally a couple of weeks younger than the Han Solo we see in New Hope.

RR: Then it’s Gungans. It has to be Gungans.

ST: Gungans it is then.

For more Star Wars CLICK HERE.

ARE REPUBLICAN DEBATES THE NEW TORTURE PORN?

WASHINGTON – Watching the last Republican Debate, The Studio Exec asked himself, sourly under his breath if they have now become the equivalent of torture porn.

Televised political debate in America has rarely looked like a subgenre of horror but the Republican debates are increasingly resembling some steamy mess that Eli Roth would concoct. Starting in August 2015 when ten presidential candidates put themselves forward for the Republican Party nomination the similarities have become uncanny.

First of all there’s that number. Ten candidates in the first debate. With another seven relegated to a shameful mini-debate. It was more like a later entry in the Final Destination franchise than a political line up. We just knew that some of these guys were only in it for the imaginative if implausible kill somewhere further down the line. And we also knew that as with The Green Inferno and Hostel it would be the ones who weren’t complete assholes that would be killed first. The second debate weirdly had more people rather than less though – Jeb Bush, Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Mike Huckabee, John Kasich, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, Donald Trump, and Scott Walker – but surely this was the calm before the storm. It wasn’t until the fourth debate that we began to get the numbers down, but that was only because the debate was held in Milwaukee and who wants to go there?

Then there was the content of the debate. The racism and the xenophobia, the promises to torture and to bomb, the sexism and the negativity, pyramids full of grain, snuff videos of babies limbs being harvested while they were still alive on the table, Megyn Kelly being shamed like Sissy Spacek in the first scene of Carrie.

Then there’s Ted Cruz who is essentially a cross between Grandpa Munster, the Zodiac killer and Damien from The Omen: The Final Conflict. Marco Rubio malfunctioned like one of the Westworld robots but in this version he shot himself in the foot and Donald Trump…

What can be said about Donald Trump that already hasn’t been said? He was invented by North Korea to show that although they have a mad dictator we are actually choosing Trump!  John Kasich is the only one among them that looks like he doesn’t have someone in the cellar waiting for a basket to lower the lotion.

However, the true horror is that this is all real. The victims have turned out not to be the contenders, but the country. I don’t want any of these people to win (that much should be obvious). And there have been voices celebrating a Trump nomination as essentially guaranteeing the White House for whoever will face him. But there are two problems with this analysis. One, your ideas improve if you have some quality opposing you. It sharpens your wit, and hell who knows, they might actually have some good ideas that you can take and use, even benefit from. Richard Nixon might have been the duplicitous shit bag that he was but he was strong on the environment and his rapprochement with China was a necessary step.  And two. They might win. They very much could win. The minute that the GOP sees that it is going to have to swallow a nomination, watch how Trump will tone down and think pieces will begin to appear about how Presidential he has begun to sound. Jesus Christ, I read three of them following his victories on Super Tuesday.

Fortunately, unlike Hostel, an election is an interactive experience. You can get out of your chair and pull a lever. A lever that might stop the torture that one of the candidates is actually proposing. And if you don’t pull that lever. Someone else will.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE HATEFUL EIGHT

HOLLYWOOD – With the release of the new trailer for Quentin Tarantino’s 8th film The Hateful Eight hitting the internet, what do we really know about this so called ‘Western’?

The Studio Exec sent the FACT Squad into the snowy mountains to discover all they could about the new Quentin Tarantino film The Hateful Eight.

1. Although Quentin Tarantino has completed the film, The Hateful Eight will never be seen by anyone. This is because when the script leaked onto the internet, Tarantino promised that he would never make the film and Tarantino is a man of his word. Many wished they’d leaked Deathproof onto the internet instead. After a successful live script read, Tarantino decided he would after all make the film, but no one would ever see it. It is due to be destroyed in December.

2. The Hateful Eight is Quentin Tarantino’s eighth film and it also has eight in the title. There are eight main characters. It was filmed over eight weeks with eight cameras operated by eight camera operators all of whom have only eight fingers and eight toes. There was a tale told of cameramen so motivated to take part in the production they asked Eli Roth to cut off the digits which were surplus to requirement.

3. Kurt Russell’s Mustache is so magnificent that it has not only reversed climate change but is currently defeating ISIS in Syria. There are delegations from the UN pleading with Mr. Russell to keep from shaving.

4. The cast for The Hateful Eight includes many Tarantino regulars, including Tim Roth, Samuel L. Jackson, Bruce Dern, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Michael Madsen and Kurt Russell. According to onset rumors, the entire cast had sex in a massive orgy organized by Tarantino who sat on a tennis umpire’s chair shouting directions through a large cardboard cone.

5. The Hateful Eight is the first Quentin Tarantino movie to feature an original score by the old maestro of Spaghetti western soundtracks, Ennio Morricone. This despite tensions between the two after Quentin asked to do some whistling on the soundtrack. ‘Ennio does all his own whistling,’ Tarantino explained to Comic-Con.

For more FACTS click HERE.

MY FAVORITE FILM: BEN CARSON

WASHINGTON – Hi Everyone! Ben Carson here. Doctor, Presidential candidate for the GOP and, for one day only, film critic!

My Favorite Film has to be Quentin Tarantino’s superb Second World War film Inglourious Basterds! Why do I like it? Well set a while and I’ll tell you.

In a word: realism! Sure Saving Private Ryan has a visceral quality in its opening twenty minutes or so. And Terrence Malick’s The Thin Red Line has a philosophical weight, bolstered as it is by a Rousssean appreciation of the natural universe. But Tarantino is the only one who really strips away the myths of the Second World War and actually shows you what happened. For reals. So here we see how a crack squad of Jews, armed to the teeth with GUNS, snuck into Nazi occupied France sewed terror in the hearts of the Wehrmacht before finally assassinating Hitler in a Parisian Cinema as the Führer sat there thinking he was all that.

Of course it wasn’t all plain sailing. The dumb ass Brit almost f*cks it up for everyone by ordering the drinks wrong with his stupid British fingers, but the good old US of A manages to rescue the day.

One can’t help but wonder if only the Europeans had owned firearms freely before the Nazis took power then all this awfulness would never have happened. A few dead college students, school children and what not are a small price to pay for the freedoms we win when we own assault weapons privately.

The other bonus of this film is seeing Christoph Waltz and Brad Pitt acting together. They’re great. I knew them when they had a comedy double act outside of Poughkeepsie called the Rambling Rogers. Boy were they funny. And little Eli Roth, riddling Hitler and Goebbels with bullets! It just goes to show torture porn has its uses. If only the same could be said for Planned Parenthood. Ha ha! But of course I’m joking.

For more Favorite Films, Click HERE.

KNOCK KNOCK – REVIEW

KNOCK KNOCK – REVIEW  – Mr. Anderson is punished for being a middle aged hipster by a pair of prankster girls.

Keanu Reeves plays Evan, a successful architect who has it all: two perfect children, a beautiful Spanish wife, who is a successful artist and a gorgeous house in the suburbs. Wife and kids are off to the beach for the weekend, leaving daddy home alone to finish a work project, smoke some weed and listen to his old vinyl records. In the classic Horror movie  nocturnal rain there is the eponymous knock knock on the door, but instead of the monster two nubile dripping babes are there asking where the party is. They have got lost and the chivalrous Evan invites them in. Genesis (Lorenza Izzo) and Bel (Ana De Armas) are party girls, air hostesses and up for anything, it is quickly revealed. Bel tells Evan she needs to get used to threesomes for when she gets married. When Evan professes shock ‘that’s a statement!’, Genesis scolds him ‘We’re animals that are more animals than animals.’

The flirting, the flattery, the seduction chip away at Evan’s resolve as the family portraits stare down at him in reproof, but when he finally succumbs he wakes up the next day with more than the usual slice of regret. Bel and Genesis are apparently not going anywhere and they want to punish Evan for his rich white male entitlement, toying with him as two cats might play with an angst ridden mouse.

A remake of the 1977 B-movie shocker “Death Game” starring Sondra Locke and Colleen Camp, Knock Knock is more restrained than its B-movie origins or Mr. Roth’s previous CV would suggest. The early scenes of family bliss ‘Chocolate cake with sprinkles, my favorite!’ are pleasantly credible and the introduction of the girls and their mischievous wooing of Evan is excellently played. There are some nice generic sidesteps as well. It’s good to see a family pet – cute dog called Monkey – NOT getting killed and one possible twist is dispensed with as Genesis writes on a mirror and later wears a t-shirt with the message ‘This is not a dream’.

How far the black humor works as satire depends on how culpable you feel Evan actually to be. Is there any truth to the girls’ repeated claims that he is a predator, pedophile etc? Is he being punished simply for his adultery (in which case this is the reactionary dressed as the rebellious) or for his Hipster privilege – ‘I love the sound of vinyl’? This is basically a Funny Games, but, you know, for kids.

Keanu makes a convincing victim – all the more so because of his action movie credentials and Izzo and Da Armas are by turns savagely sexy and spitefully bonkers. Roth’s splatter and gore is replaced by a more insidious jitteriness about our social media profiles, the new transparency of the glass houses in which we live, making us vulnerable to those who wish to heave bricks about.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

ELI ROTH: GREEN INFERNO FIRST OF THREE COLORS TRILOGY

HOLLYWOOD – Horror maestro and Mr. Eyebrows 1997, Eli Roth today announced that Green Inferno was but the first in a ‘Three Colors Trilogy’, in imitation of Krzysztof Kieslowski’s famous Three Colors Trilogy.

Eli Roth, director of Hostel and Cabin Fever, revealed today that his latest film – The Green Inferno – is just part one of a projected Three Colors Trilogy. Slipping into the Studio Exec Bungalow ealry this morning, he sat in the dark watching us sleep before announcing his presence.

The first film is of course The Green Inferno, partly because of the green of the rainforest and also because of the ecology, the politics of the young people who go there and find themselves embroiled in a terrible fight for survival as they are beset by cannibals. The second film in the trilogy is going to be The Blue Inferno. Here, we have some oceanographers who are researching the famous plastic bottle island. Again there is a sense of environmental responsibility but now it is a group of mutants who attack them and rend their flesh. The twist here is that the mutants were originally extras working on Kevin Reynolds Waterworld, starring Kevin Costner, who were left behind when the movie wrapped and went feral.

What about the third film?

The third film is going to be called The Red Inferno.

Ah! Because of blood?

No, because it is going to be set on Mars. A group of ecologists are taking it to the next level. They are worried about not only saving the planet but saving all planets. Worried abvout a spike in temperatures on the planet Mars they travel there in an attempt to draw attention to global warming on Mars. But unfortunately they are captured by Tim Robbins and Gary Sinise who are still there following Brian dePalma’s tragic Mission to Mars.

Jesus!

I know.

And how does this tie in to Kieslowski’s Three Colors Trilogy?

Kieslowski has been an influence on my whole career. Look at Hostel: Part 2 and you’ll see it’s basically a remake of A Short Film About Killing. I always wanted to match the maestro’s breadth, but until now I was unable to find the subject matter that would suit such scope, but now with Green Inferno, Blue Inferno and Red Inferno, I think I’ve got it.

The Green Inferno is on general release.

GERMANY BANS INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

HOLLYWOOD – News came in last night that Germany have banned Quentin Tarantino’s 2009 war film Inglourious Basterds citing ‘numerous historical inaccuracies’.

The move is only the latest following a spree of banning across the world including the banning of The Interview in North Korea because of offensiveness, Exodus: Gods and Kings in Egypt and Morocco because of historical and political inaccuracies and the censoring of Pompeii in Italy ‘because it’s crap.’

A spokesperson for the German Federal Ministry for Education, Arts and Culture explained the Verboten decision to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Tarantino’s film is inaccurate on many different grounds. From the career of famed film director Leni Riefenstahl to the way Jews were rounded up in German occupied France. However, the climax of the film [SPOILER ALERT] is particularly wide of the mark. The director of Hostel at no point during the course of the Second World War assassinated Hitler and Goebbels. He hadn’t even been born when Hitler died.

But there’s artistic license, surely? Tarantino isn’t suggesting that the director of Hostel really killed Hitler so much as he wanted to.

No. That’s not good enough. It didn’t happen. It is plainly wrong. And false. And not true.

But why now? The film was released in 2009.

Yes, well we didn’t think you could ban films for being inaccurate, but then Egypt did it and we thought okay, why not? Herr Tarantino’s film has been particularly irksome to us for some time and confusing. Look at Downfall. Now there’s a film about Hitler. Except of course that Bruno Ganz who plays Hitler is Swiss, which is to be precise inaccurate.

Quentin Tarantino was unavailable to comment at the time of publication, but the Hateful 8 will be out soon.

MALICK AND TARANTINO COLLABORATE ON GRINDHOUSE 2

HOLLYWOOD -Following the fall-through of his Hateful Eight Western, Quentin Tarantino has announced he will be returning to Grindhouse territory with a another two-hander but this time taking over co-grunge duty is arch-auteur Terrence Malick.

Tarantino told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Robert Rodriguez is off his game at the moment. I mean, all he’s making is Grindhouse stuff now. So I was drinking Jagermeister with Terry and I happened to mention I’d like to go back and revisit the genre, being disappointed, as I am, with Death Proof. His eyes lit up and he whispered ‘the glory, the glory!’ and then danced around the bar for a full half hour to the strains of Goreki. 

Details are sketchy but Tarantino confirms that he will be writing a role for Kevin Costner to turn down. All that we know about Terrence Malick’s contribution is that he is already working on the script under the provisional title Big Tit Nazi Machine Gunners of the Wondrous Light. Terrence Malick was available to comment but we had something we had to do so we didn’t talk to him.

Grindhouse 2 will be released in 2015. 

ELI ROTH PRODUCES: JESUS CHRIST: THE LOST YEARS

HOLLYWOOD – News broken early this morning that Eli Roth and Scott Kosar are developing a TV show for the History channel entitled Jesus Christ: the Lost Years, in which Jesus will be seen as a young up and coming maverick exorcist making his bones in the badlands of Galilee.

Eli Roth previously gained notoriety, when as the Tourist Promotion for Eastern Europe, he used his budget to produce and direct Hostel and Hostel: Part 2. He told Studio Exec exclusively:

This is one f*cked up story man. What happens is Jesus is born, flees Bethlehem to Egypt while Herod kills all these babies. That’s our pre-credit sequence right there. Steve Buscemi offing babies like it’s going out of fashion. Then Jesus gets into some heavy necromancy in Egypt comes back to Galilee and teams up with John the Baptist (Danny Trejo) who teaches him the basics about f*cking with the devil and lets him loose.   

Scott Kosar – who has earned the name ‘Mr. Unnecessary’ having been instrumental in the  remakes of The Amityville Horror, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Crazies – said that they were determined to make a ‘very tasteful and carefully researched, albeit speculative, piece of television’:

We know there are a lot of people who are very passionate about Jesus Christ. They even call themselves Christians, for Christ’s sake! So we are 100% gonna get this right. Plus, if you liked The Exorcist, then this is the prequel to end all prequels. Can you imagine the scene? [Begins roaring] “The power of me compels you! The Power of ME COMPELS YOU!”

Jesus has yet to be cast but the current favorite is Zachary Quinto, though some speculate he might be too old.

 Jesus Christ: the Lost Years is due to be broadcast in Fall 2014.