JON VOIGHT BACKS JOE BIDEN

HOLLYWOOD – In a shocking turn of events, Hollywood actor Jon Voight announced his backing for Joe Biden in the upcoming election.

Staunch conservative and Deliverance star, Jon Voight today announced that he would endorse former Vice President Joe Biden Jr. for President of the United States. Voight for many has been only one of few conservative voices in the Hollywood acting community. However, Hollywood was reeling when Voight announced via his personal YouTube channel his change of heart. He is his statement in full:

Fellow Americans. I wish today to announce that I endorse Joe Biden for President. And I do so in full knowledge that many will feel shock at this decision. To fully explain it, I’m afraid we’re going to have to go back to 1978 when I was filming a beautiful movie you may recall called The Champ. The film was a tough one. I went through a lot of physical training to get into shape. In order for the boxing to be realistic, we really went at it. At one point, my sparring partner hit me very hard and in falling I hit my head on a stool that had been carelessly left in the ring.

It was very similar to that scene in Clint’s Million Dollar Baby. Fortunately, although I had to go to hospital, the injury was not life threatening. However, my friends and family soon noticed a change in me. Prior to the injury I had been an opened minded, liberal thinking young actor, no different from many from my milieu. I even used words like milieu! But post head injury I became increasingly unhinged. I would talk non-stop about America, liberty, patriotism and the threat the Democrats posed.

Donald Trump

For many years my family did their best to hide my condition from the public. But the rise of Donald Trump triggered something in me. I became increasingly vocal, spouting all sorts of nonsensical guff when I wasn’t making Ray Donovan. I can only imagine what my co-stars and fans must have thought of the bilious tripe I spouted day after day. Well, as you might know I’m no longer the fresh faced scamp who made Midnight Cowboy. I’m 81. And as is common for one my age we tend to be unsteady on our pins. Yesterday, I had a fall as I was getting out of the hot tub and gave myself such a crack on the noggin, I can’t even… I yowled. There was blood everywhere.

Fortunately, the paramedics showed up and a scan at the hospital revealed an old lesion which had impeded brain function, according to the surgeon. The crack on the head had actually resolved that problem. Within hours, I began to hate immigrants less. By the next morning, I thought the universal health care was a right not a privilege. And as I was watching the latest Trump rally, a thought formed in my aching head: “Who is this asshole?”

It was my Damascene moment. The scales fell from my eyes. We have to do something about the environment.

I immediately realized I would have to publicly disavow my former political statements as the rantings of a very ill man. My only regret is that AOC isn’t running, but perhaps in four years, who knows? And so I urge you, my fellow Americans, for the sake of the Nation, vote Joe Biden and lets get back to less brain damaged times.

Jon Voight stars in the AMC TV movie Woody Guthrie: Bound for Glory.

PORN PARODY VERSION OF THE ELECTION ‘EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE ELECTION’

HOLLYWOOD – The porn parody version of the 2016 Presidential election will be more or less exactly the same as the election, producer Sprig Bones announced today.

Sprig’s production company Moist Films bought the rights for a porn parody version of the presidential election directly from the White House earlier this year in an initiative called Porn Pays its Way. Actors have been cast and filming is currently underway but director Maxwell Hung told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the difficulties of developing the film:

Usually it’s easy. We cast some lookalikes and get it on. We already have the Oval Office set from last cycle and some of the same cast are appearing in walk on roles. Our many difficulty has been making the porn version different from reality. What Hillary shimmying and Donald Trump talking about grabbing pussy, this guy basically lives in the same porn universe as we do. In the end we decided not to change that much and just film what was coming in from CNN.

The Porn Presidential Election will be released on November 8.