TRUMP PICKS DEREK VINYARD AS SECRETARY OF STATE

WASHINGTON – President Elect Donald Trump picks Derek Vinyard as his Secretary of State.

Neo-Nazi Derek Vinyard is to be Donald Trump’s new Secretary of State. Vinyard was made famous by the 1998 film starring Edward Norton.

As cabinet posts begin to fill up, many political commentators are seeing a worrying trend. Max Ballast told the Studio Exec:

Not only is Vinyard a racist and an extremely dangerous and violent man, I’m pretty sure he’s a fictional character.

However, House Speaker Paul Ryan defended Trump’s choices, saying that it was another example of how Trump was breaking with the political elites and going with what the people want:

I think with Boss Hogg taking the Treasury and Larry Vaughn handling the EPA, Trump is confounding his critics and putting together a team who are ready to confront the problems of this country. Fictional characters can offer a lot more than professional insiders and lobbyists who currently run Washington. After all, if you start question if Derek is real you might as well as if Donald Trump is real too.

Edward Norton himself said that he is disturbed by the use of his character as if he were a real person.

I hope that we can start bringing the country together. I really don’t think that Derek is a model for that.

President Elect Trump will begin the apocalypse in January 2017.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO CATEGORY ANNOUNCED FOR ACADEMY AWARDS

HOLLYWOOD – A new category and anew award for the ‘Oscars’ or the Motion Picture Academy Awards as they are sometimes called: The Leonardo DiCaprio Award.

Announcing the Award, Motion Picture Academy President Cheryl Boone Isaacs said that the award would be given annually:

It will seek to recognize brilliance and exceptional talent in a motion picture actor, who features in a motion picture in the last calendar year. Although the award will be open to all actors, we are looking to focus on those seasoned performers who have for some reason previously been neglected or disappointed by the Academy. We’re thinking of people like Edward Norton, Tom Cruise, Glenn Close, Johnny Depp, Sigourney Weaver, Harrison Ford, Ed Harris and of course Leonardo DiCaprio.

When asked whether Leonardo diCaprio would win for The Revenant, President Isaacs had this to say:

There is a very good chance Leo might win the Best Actor nomination and eventually the Oscar for Best Actor for his performance. I couldn’t possibly speculate. However, we do know that if he doesn’t, then there’s an even better chance he will win the Best Leonardo diCaprio Oscar. If, that is, Matthew McConaughey doesn’t pip him to the post.

The Oscars will be broadcast on February 28th, 2016.

BIRDMAN: REVIEW

NEW YORK – Michael Keaton goes meta in Alejandro Inarritu’s best film to date, Birdman.

Batman is trying to make a play on Broadway as a way of getting away from the superhero alter ego – Birdman – who haunts him to this day. Unfortunately he hires the Incredible Hulk, a complete asshole of an actor who is likely to steal the show, or steal Batman’s daughter played by Spider-man’s girlfriend.

Alejandro Inarritu films most of the action in one flowing continuous take (obviously there’s some smokes and mirrors here but the illusion is brilliantly maintained and never looks like a mere gimmick). The writing is top calibre as well, with some corrosively bitchy zingers. Despite the post-modernity and contemporary references this is when it comess down to it a backstage comedy, like Noises Off, or more recently Shakespeare in Love. The Show Must Go On drives the narrative forward even at the risk of the sanity of its protagonist. And there is a biting angry satire, that seeks to demolish just about everything in its path – superhero movies, twitter and youtube celebrity, rehab, journalists, actors, even this very act of criticism itself. The acting is superb, with some career best performances from Edward Norton, Lindsay Duncan, Emma Stone, Zach Galifianakis as well as a toweringly twitchy tormented Michael Keaton.

This is clever, self-conscious, deliriously entertaining cinema at its best.

Birdman will be out presently.

MARK RUFFALO TO PLAY COLUMBO

HOLLYWOOD – Following a sustained and prolonged 24 hour Twitter campaign, Mark Ruffalo ceded to the will of the people and declared he would be playing Columbo in an upcoming movie, possibly scripted and directed by the Coen Brothers.

Mr. Ruffalo initially was caught off guard by the suggestion made in a tweet by Gary Whitta, a screenwriter famous for Book of Eli. Ruffalo said he had to finish another remake of Woman Under the Influence, in which he will also take on the Peter Falk role. This will be part of Ruffalo’s extended preparation process which saw him play Edward Norton off Broadway before essaying the Hulk in The Avengers.

Ruffalo, who appeared in Foxcatcher as the Incredible Hulk, spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I’ve always been a huge fan of the television series. I thought Peter Falk was magnificent in his crumpled genius. He is an Everyman often finding crime in places where he is despised. I really can’t wait to get on the rain coat, practice my squint and say the immortal line, ‘Oh I almost forgot, just one more question.’


Columbo will be released whenever Twitter wants.

EDWARD NORTON AND ERIC BANA HELD OVER RUFFALO BULLYING

NEW YORK – Actors Edward Norton and Eric Bana have been arrested by the New York Police Department after a nasty incident of Mark Ruffalo bullying, which initial reports suggested the involvement of both name calling and light physical damage.

According to a police source: 

The suspects approached Mr. Ruffalo while he was fixing his bicycle to some park railings near MoMa. They began chanting, ‘You wouldn’t like it when we get angry’ over and over again. And then pushed him around and tore his clothing. 

Mr. Norton was particularly insistent, according to one bystander, that ‘they go dark’, but fortunately a thirteen year old school girl intervened and chased the actors off. The attacks on Mr. Ruffalo began last yearbut have increased in seriousness and frequency. 
‘I used to get phone calls in the middle of the night,’ Mark Ruffalo told us. ‘I could tell it was Bana because he was always trying to do that generic American accent he uses and it’s so unconvincing. But more recently it got serious and they often sneak into my house and put meat derivatives into my vegetarian casserole.’ 

The motives behind the attacks is and remains a mystery.

Mark Ruffalo will be appearing in the Gruffalo in 2015. 

EDWARD NORTON REVEALS WHY HE LEFT HULK

HOLLYWOOD – Troublesome actor and the not incredible per se Hulk, Edward Norton has announced his retirement from film acting in order to concentrate on developing ever more effective anti-virus software.

The Fight Club organizer said:

It started off as a hobby really. I was a dabbler, writing stuff that detected malware, eliminated Trojans and blocked pop ups. Pretty soon I was providing tools to scan and clean up your registry and supply back up. Before I knew it, the whole thing was industry standard. And so it came to me, do I want to make The Hulk 2 or do I want to throw myself body and soul into the world of Anti-Virus software?

Fan Josephine Applebury expressed dismay:

Edward Norton is what we had before Tom Hiddleston turned up. He’s the dangerous wimp for women who need someone to proof read a bi-annual report or make them a stir fry. And to think he’s gone into anti-virus software writing just shows the depth of his soul. We will miss him. I swear to God.

However, he won’t be the first actor who has turned his back on fame to work in the trenches of computer programming. The once mediocre Orlando Bloom is now spending every waking minute on producing a version of Free Cell that will waste even more time. Norton’s not even the first Hulk to do so. Eric Bana abandoned a flagging film acting career in order to develop the voice activated software which later became Siri used by Apple on their iPad and iPhone.

Whether Norton decision is final, or he is Soderbergh-ing remains to be seen, but one thing is sure, wherever there is a virus or invasive piece of software, Ed Norton will be right behind it holding a claw-headed hammer.

For more Avengers and Marvel News CLICK HERE.

EDWARD NORTON INVENTS HIS OWN CHEESE

Shhh, or they’ll all want some

DENVER – Enormously talented film and motion picture actor, Edward Norton has long had a reputation for eccentricity, but yesterday he announced that he was as normal as the next man and to prove it unveiled a new cheese he had invented: Chedward Nortshire.

‘I was sitting in my private jet waiting to get clearance to take off and fly to Hawaii and I thought to myself, I just want to give something back to the ordinary people,’ said the Birdman25th Hour and Red Dragon star. ‘But what? And then it came to me. They like cheese.’

Of course my first worry was mice. I mean what if the cheese was so nice that the mice wouldn’t be able to resist. They’d be all over the cheese, and people would buy cats or try to kill the mice and although understandable that would NOT be cool. But then cheese and mouse  expert Bryan Singer told me that the idea that mice go crazy about cheese was actually a racist myth. 

 Our resident cheese taster Xavier Poulis had a slice of Chedward and gave his verdict:

Stings the mouth. Holds. Still there. Gummy glue feeling about the teeth. Tacky. Yes gone. 

Coincidentally these were the exact words Roger Ebert used in his review of Edward Norton’s performance in the Italian Job remake.

WES ANDERSON RUSHED TO HOSPITAL SUFFERING FROM QUIRK OVERDOSE

NEW YORK – Wes Anderson in possible quirk overdose.

The Royal Tenenbaums and Moonrise Kingdom director, Wes Anderson was rushed to the Cedar Pines intensive care unit on Long Island in the early hours of Sunday morning, suffering from an overdose of quirk.

Anderson had apparently been working on his new film The Grand Budapest Hotel which stars Edward Norton, Adrien Brody, Owen Wilson, Tilda Swinton, Ralph Fiennes, Jude Law, Soairse Ronan, F. Murray Abraham, Bob Balaban, Jason Schwartzman and Bill Murray, as a sadly hilarious figure.

Production Assistant Jennifer Tulls witnessed the director’s collapse:

We were filming a cross section of the hotel and in every room one of the characters is doing something unexpectedly weird and at the same time wryly amusing: someone’s painting Shetland ponies with blue stripes, Willem Dafoe is wearing a monocle and teaching Polish children the flute, someone else is making a pyramid of champagne glasses and Bill Murray is being a sadly hilarious figure. All of a sudden Wes just kind of started to vibrate.  

Bill Murray earlier today

The Syd Barrett song that was playing on the soundtrack was switched off and Mr. Anderson was briefly exposed to a newspaper, detailing growing tensions between Israel and Syria. ‘He seemed to be coming round but then Tilda Swinton leant over to ask how he was and he keeled over again,’ Ms. Tulls said.
The hospital issued a statement saying that:

Mr. Anderson is recovering from levels of quirkiness well above the maximum that the human body can tolerate. It is apparent that he has been taking a very high dosage for a sustained period of time. However, he is young and strong and should be able to make a full recovery provided he relents from people talking directly to camera, stories within stories, a mix tape soundtrack and Bill Murray playing a sadly hilarious character.

The French Dispatch out soon.