CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: “WARNER BROTHERS CAN SUCK MY INTERSTELLAR BALLS!”

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Nolan unleashes on Warner Brothers following release changes.

Memento director Christopher Nolan today spoke for the first time about Warner Brothers and its 2021 release strategy. Arriving at the Studio Exec bungalow, Nolan was out of breath and emotional (we’re being polite: he was drunk). No sooner had he walked in – first backwards and then the right way as is his custom – he began a rant:

So, have you heard? Warner Brothers are dumping their entire 2021 slate on HBO Max.

Yes, we heard. 

It’s an absolute shit show in the fuck factory, if you get my meaning. I mean what the fuck is HBO Max anyway. Is it like a new form of Pepsi? Fucked if I know. They hate the poor cinema owners. Hate them. As it is they screw them out of all the money they can. You know why cinema owners sell you such garbage food, it’s because they can’t make any money on the tickets because the studios claw so much back. I’m not going to fucking stand for it. Those penny pushers and knob biscuits down at Warner will feel my slightly fey wrath.

You’re going to protest?

You betcha Exec. Right after this. I’m on my way now to see Mickey and Spike.

Who are Mickey and Spike?

Mickey and Spike Warner. The Warner Brothers you dolt!

Right. Yeah. Mickey and er…

And I’m going to tell them to suck my Interstellar balls. That’s it I’m through with them. Already they fucked up Tenet with their stupid suggestion of releasing it in Imax. I wanted everyone to watch it on their phones but oh no Spike was like … let’s get people back in the theaters. What an anal wart Spike is!

I thought you were a true believer in the cinema experience.

I am for some films. Dunkirk has to be the biggest screen, the same with Interstellar but Tenet looks amazing on an iPhone. And you can hear the dialogue better through airpods. Warners have always acted a bit cunty. Now I guess I’ll have to take my gig over the road to another studio. Perhaps Sammy Paramount might want to hook up, or Dorothy T. Universal has been after my peachy hieny for some time now. Fuck me, I’m arseholed. I think I’m going to be…

And with that the director of The Prestige lurched from the room, reeling.

Jenga The Movie is coming soon.

IS CHRISTOPHER NOLAN THE NEW STANLEY KUBRICK?

HOLLYWOOD – Studio Exec answers the age old question: is Dunkirk director Christopher Nolan the new Stanley Kubrick?

As part of a new series of short answers to long questions, the Studio Exec faces the poser is Christopher Nolan director of Memento, Inception, Interstellar, the Dark Knight trilogy and Dunkirk the new Stanley Kubrick? Continue reading “IS CHRISTOPHER NOLAN THE NEW STANLEY KUBRICK?”

BRUTALLY CONFUSED OSCAR VOTER WANTS MERYL STREEP TO WIN BEST PICTURE

HOLLYWOOD – Meryl Streep should win the Best Picture Oscar, according to a confused Academy member.

Anonymous Academy voter has argued that the Best Picture Oscar should go to Meryl Streep. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, the confused voter gave this account of himself:

I’m not voting for Get Out because a. I don’t like horror movies and b. black people. I’m not voting for Shape of Water because a. I don’t like monster movies and b. I don’t like Mexicans. Phantom Thread: a. I don’t like ghost stories b. who’s this Fred? Ladybird is out because women. Yuk. Call Me By Your Name put me off fruit. The Post is fake news. Dunkirk I can’t understand why Bane is flying a Spitfire. So I’ve decided to vote for Meryl Streep for best picture.

But she isn’t nominated in that category.

It doesn’t matter. She is wonderful and I’m voting for her as best director, best make up, best soundtrack as well. Frankly, I’m just writing Streep all over my ballot.

The Oscars are tomorrow.

HARRY STYLES RELEASES DUNKIRK ALBUM

LONDON – Former One Direction singer Harry Styles will release a Dunkirk tribute album, featuring wartime classics.

Harry Styles won praise for his understated performance in Christopher Nolan’s new film Dunkirk. But now he has done one better, releasing an album of his favorite wartime classics. The album features thirteen songs handpicked by Styles all coming from the 1940s. Sitting on the Dock of the Bay, later covered by Otis Redding, was actually written during the evacuation of 400,000 British soldiers from the beaches of northern France.

A statement by the singer reads:

In preparing for my role in Dunkirk, I first did a lot of research into the period. And to get into the mood I’d listen to a lot of songs. Things like Vera Lynn and Glen Miller. But apart from these very famous artists, I also found lots of people I’d never heard of. The amazing Spanner Brother who sang their famous ‘How to fix an engine’ songs. Rotten Johnny, the ukulele player from Newcastle who inspired Johnny Lydon, with such beautiful ditties as ‘I need a shit (Desperately)’ and ‘I’ve a Tanner (Have you got a fag)’. I want this album to be my small tribute to that generation. And introduce some of this wonderful music to the youth.

Harry Styles Sings Songs Inspired by the Motion Picture Dunkirk is now available on iTunes and from all good record shops.

REVIEW – DUNKIRK

REVIEW – DUNKIRK – Christopher Nolan returns with a superb and unconventional war film about the BFG trying to save the British Army after they decided to Brexit.

Young British soldier Tommy (Fionn Whitehead) needs two things. One: to get out of Northern France and get home. And two, to have a shit.

Nolan’s movie never fully decides whether he achieves both. But it is testament to his brilliance that the whole film concerns itself with the nitty-gritty of survival alongside the historical import of it.

Along with 400,000 of his comrades in arms, Tommy is trapped on the beach with the Germans only miles away. At the same time, their planes strafing the lines of waiting soldiers. The Navy can’t get in to pick them up because of the shallow draught and the airforce is apparently reluctant to risk their planes when an invasion of Britain looks iminent. But Tommy still needs to get out.

Meanwhile, Mark Rylance – surely everyone’s ideal 1940s granddad – sets off in a small boat to help in the rescue operation. And above in the sky three spitfires seem to be all the RAF will allow. Luckily, Tom Hardy pilots one of them and there has been very little as satisfying in modern cinema as seeing Tom Hardy handle a spitfire.

With these ingredients – earth, sea, air – and an Inception like time structure – a week, a day, an hour – Nolan constructs one of those most original war films in years. There’s an immediate urgency and a latent panic all the way through, aided by one of Hans Zimmer’s most impressive scores. Nolan manages to places us in the middle of the action without ever glorying in the war porn. In fact, the most touching death occurs as a banal accident. And the terror of death comes as much from water as from bullets and bombs.

The performances are wonderful as well with Kenneth Branagh scanning the horizon with such Britishness that he might as well be suet pudding in a woolly sock. And then there’s what Nolan doesn’t show. The Germans. The homefront. Wives and sweethearts. Anxious mothers. Churchill.  Generals in front of a big map.

The film’s concerns reflect those of the characters. The logistics, the numbers. For the pilots, the fuel they need to get home. Britain likes heroic failures. It’s why it glories in Scott of the Antarctic – who lost the race to the pole. And Mallory and Irvine – who died on Everest. It’s why Admiral Nelson – who died at the Battle of Trafalgar – gets a column in the middle of London, while Wellington – who won but survived at Waterloo – only gets a boot. Dunkirk was a defeat and Nolan’s characters see it as such. But his film earns its patriotic zeal and it’ll be a hard hearted Nazi who can watch the final reel without a tear breaching their defences.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

NO ONE DIRECTION SONGS IN DUNKIRK TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – The first trailer for Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk dropped, disappointing many One Direction fans.

The trailer for Christopher Nolan’s first foray into comedy Dunkirk hit the internet today. However, One Direction fans felt a little disappointed that the soundtrack didn’t give a taste of any new One Direction material. Christopher Nolan told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that fans shouldn’t panic:

Look, we haven’t put any songs in the trailer. Neither have we given the whole story away in the trailer either, or all the lines. We want to hold something back. And the One Direction songs, which will include a cover of Rio by Duran Duran, exist as an integral part of the story.

However, One Directioners everywhere, or 1Ders, or 1 D1rect1oners or… well them, fumed across internet message boards. Joey1dLover wrote:

This is bullsh1t!

Another one – Another1Done – wrote:

Shitty bull balls and horse’s piss flaps. Who are all these soldiers and why did Harry have to cut his ha1r?

The film set for a summer release tells the story of the retreat and evacuation of the British army from the beaches of France in 1940. It stars Tom Hardy, Kenneth Branagh, Cillian Murphy, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Naill Horan, Liam Payne and Mark Rylance. Though rumors of an appearance by Zayn Malik remain unconfirmed.

Dunkirk will be released in 2017.

DUNKIRK TO BE CHRISTOPHER NOLAN’S FIRST COMEDY

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Nolan has promised that Dunkirk will be his first all out comedy.

The Dark Knight and Inception director Christopher Nolan has promised that his next film Dunkirk will be his first all out comedy. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, he had this to say:

I know people are going to say, wait a minute, Inception was hilarious. And I know it was. But it wasn’t meant to be. And so that doesn’t really count. I’m more associated with darker material and it can become a trap. So I’m looking forward to everyone getting to see Dunkirk and seeing the comedy romp and a totally different side of my personality.

But Dunkirk is a war film. Surely that’s a serious topic?

Yes and no. When I say knockabout comedy I actually mean quite dark and dour. And when I say zany bucket of laugh bubbles, I really mean people dying and everything being quite grim.

So not a comedy?

Harry Styles from One Direction is in it.

Is he funny?

No.

Dunkirk will be released in the Summer of 2017.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT CHRISOPHER NOLAN’S DUNKIRK

LONDON – The Inception and Dark Knight trilogy director Christopher Nolan’s new film Dunkirk has begun filming but what do we actually know about the Second World War epic?

We sent the Studio Exec FACT Squad to the beaches of Northern France and then had to rescue them in a fleet of small fishing vessels.

1. Dunkirk will be Christopher Nolan’s first period film – except for The Prestige – and his first film to have a one word title – except for Inception and Interstellar and Insomnia and Memento – Okay it’s the fifth film to have a one word title, but it doesn’t begin with ‘In’, so that’s something. 

2. The cast of Dunkirk features a slew of Christopher Nolan regulars such as Cillian Murphy and Tom Hardy. The most eye-catching casting decision comes in the form of One Direction singer Harry Styles who will also perform a number of anachronistic pop songs, including a cover of Britney Spears’ Hit Me Baby (One More Time), which according to the shooting script is played over an aerial bombardment of London.

3. The historical events which serve as the inspiration for the film involved an operation to rescue the retreating remnants of the British Expeditionary Force. Nolan has gone on record as saying he is aiming for maximum authenticity and ‘except for the Batman cameo, that’s exactly what you’ll see.’

4. Christopher Nolan continues his commitment to film as opposed to digital and will shoot the film in 70mm making it the smallest film ever made.

5. Music for the film will once more be provided by Hans Zimmer who has already started preparing the score. He told the Exec: ‘We want a period feel but we also want to attract a younger audience to the movie, especially with Harry Styles involved, so we’re going to have this old Vera Lynne, Glenn Miller orchestra playing popular songs by One Direction, Rihanna and Justin Timberlake.

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 29. CHRISTOPHER NOLAN

HOLLYWOOD – Dropping in on the Studio Exec’s EXCLUSIVE breakfast nook, master manipulator and filmmaker Christopher Nolan dished the dirt on his new movie project Dunkirk as he made intricate Escher constructions of his Belgian waffles.

Christopher Nolan is famous for his carefully constructed puzzle like movies from Memento to Interstellar, his Dark Knight trilogy to the dream espionage of Inception but sitting in our favorite Denny’s 5751 Sunset Blvd I see the child I knew all those years ago who I watched one Christmas complete a 750 piece jigsaw in less than thirty seconds. He was four at the time.

So Chris, you have just announced your new project. Dunkirk. What attracts you about this story?

Initially, we were locked to make the Jenga movie (Click Here for that story) but I’m sorry to say it fell through at the last minute.

Ha!

What?

Nothing.

So then I was looking around for another subject. I was attracted by the idea of doing something totally different. I’d done thriller, Science Fiction, Film Noir and comic book so I wanted to tackle something I’d never done before. At first I was working on a musical version of Somebody Up There Likes Me with Jonathan [Nolan], but with Creed and Southpaw it occurred to me that there were too many boxing musicals around. So then we thought, I’ve never done a war film and the idea of Dunkirk came up in conversations.

The sounds great. Epic. 

What I like about it is that many celebrated moments in British history are about failures. The Titanic sinks, the charge of the Light Brigade was a dumb massacre, Scott loses the race to the South Pole and dies coming back, Mallory and Irvine die on Everest. Dunkirk is essentially heroic, but it is a heroic retreat. A heroic defeat perhaps.

I see. And it sounds like a more straightforward proposition as a narrative.

You would think it would be but actually the story Jonathan and I are working on might end up being strangely ambiguous. We posit the idea that this turning point in the Second World War might actually all have been an elaborate bluff by the Germans that went wrong.

Go on.

The high command of the Wehrmacht want the British to get to their boats but only so they could be destroyed. However, a crack unit of British dream commandos, led by Tom Hardy and tutored by Michael Caine, go into the sub-conscious of the German pilots and force them to think of the fleeing British as pretty flowers that are too beautiful to pick. The whole film is told backwards and there is also a great story that emerges that actually Adolf Hitler was working for the British but in the deepest imaginable cover.

That’s very controversial. 

He’s not the hero we want. He’s the hero we need.

But he killed millions.

Deep, deep cover.

Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk will be released in 2017. For more Breakfasts CLICK HERE.