HOLLYWOOD – The blockbusting performance of Warcraft in China might be part of a cunning psychological campaign, warn Pentagon.

Warcraft didn’t perform well on its domestic US opening and it has been roundly savaged by the critics, but in China it has broken records, much to the pleased amazement of the studio. The fantasy video game cross-over directed by Douglas Jones is a bizarre mixture of every fantasy cliche around, with a lump of Shrek dolloped in the middle. It looked like it was going to take a deserved beating at the box office but then China came to the rescue with a performance that exceeded even the most optimistic expectations. However, a shadowy figure from the Pentagon has told the Studio Exec that all might not be what it seems:

The Chinese are crafty and this is not the first time an antagonist has tried to flummox us with this kind of misdirection. For years the French told us they loved Jerry Lewis. They celebrated him, gave him awards, showed his films. No one could work it out. We watched them and watch them and all the while the French were laughing up their sleeves. Goddamned bastards.

But Warcraft…?

 Yeah, well I watched Warcraft and there isn’t anything in this movie to like. Not a goddamned thing. The Chinese have intentionally ordered everyone in their country to go and see it just to sow self-doubt in the minds of American movie goers. We’re all second guessing and in the meantime half of Hollywood is green-lighting the Warcraft sequels and a new sequel to Dungeons and Dragons starring Jeremy Irons. We’ll pour all our money and time into that and in the meanwhile the Chinese are tunneling to Hawaii. You remember how a year ago North Korea managed to convince us that James Franco and Seth Rogen were some how edgy.

Jeez, you’re right! 

See. Do you see? Finally?

Warcraft is on current release.


Let the fun commence

BELFAST – A wedding in Northern Ireland went badly wrong when the bride and groom’s enthusiastic love of HBO‘s fantasy drama Game of Thrones led to unforeseen but ultimately tragic carnage on the day of their wedding.

Kieran Fagan and Melissa O’Rourke were married in a traditional service at the Roman Catholic church of St Mary’s in West Belfast, Northern Ireland. After a three hour pause during which time professional photographer Alain Dreary forced the couple into various ludicrous poses in inappropriate settings, the guests reconvened for a reception at the Four Bells Hotel in the outskirts of the city. One guest recounted to reporters what occurred next:

Kieran was dressed as Rob Stark and Melissa as his true love Jeyne Westerling. The reception had been done out with torches and flagons of wine and the food was served in that kind of cod medieval style that you see on your programme there. Well, Kieran’s friends from his D&D club had decided to pull a little prank. They surrounded the guests and were carrying what looked like crossbows. 

Toby Coughlin, who organised the prank, is being held by police. His father released a statement:

Sure, it was just a bit of fun. The lads got carried a way and I’m not saying their weren’t some throats cut and some crossbow bolts fired into throats, but anyone who’s been to Irish wedding will tell you, it can’t officially be called a wedding if there isn’t a bit of a ruckus.

Police are still investigating how a man like Kieran, an enthusiastic Dungeons and Dragons enthusiast, got a girlfriend – let alone a wife. 

Jim Carrey has since withdrawn from the Fourth Season of Game of Thrones.